Such an easy statement to make, and yet the
reality of it is harder for me to take than the
surgery I had.
I had hoped that I would be able to retain my
hair. In recent years it had been longer than
it had ever been, and I was really enjoying it.
I have been told that some women proactively
cut their hair short or off, but I wasn't going
to do that.
At this point, I already have bald spots, and
it seems it is headed in the direction that was
(and is) less than preferred. I am wondering
if losing it like this is helping me to adjust
to the change. I have considered making a
drastic move, but don't want to be reactive.
Fortunately there is a wonderful woman who
is making me a custom wig, and I likely
should have it within the week. I don't know
how my hair will be in another 7 days, but
at least I know something is on the way.
I started writing this feeling almost numb,
and now I am feeling emotions welling up
inside of me. The logical part of me is
trying to help, but it is no more help than
the remarks of others who have tried to be
helpful, too.
I really think people don't know what to say,
and when they say what they do, they don't
really get it. They don't get my relationship
to my hair. They don't get what this feels
like to me. They just don't get it.
I realize that they are just trying to be helpful,
and that they care about me and want me to
be OK, and focus on the big picture, and I
know that is important. But this part of the
smaller picture is HUGE for me.
I wish I knew what I wanted them to say.
But I suspect not saying anything specific
about it is probably the most helpful of all.
Last night I was talking to someone who
admitted to me how difficult it was to stay
positive all of the time for me. I am the
first person he knows that he cares about
who has gone through something like this.
It was a difficult conversation for me to
have. I don't want him to feel burdened
by our contact, and yet he feels that who
he is is someone who couldn't be any
different than he is being.
That feeds into my difficulties in asking
for things. It makes me not want to ask
him for anything. Of course I realize that
it is a reactionary response, so I am doing
the best I can to step back and look at
things.
It is difficult for me in general these days
because I really feel like people don't know
how to be with me. All I wanted from this
person was for him to just talk to me.
However I was upset when I reached out,
and somehow that got filtered into how
he was with me.
I guess I am not surprised.
I think, even though I didn't realize it til
now, that may be why when I have been
the most upset I have NOT reached out
to anyone. I am not sure there is anything
anyone can do or say at the moment that
is helpful, and some of the things that have
been said have had the opposite effect of
what was likely intended.
At the same time, if people feel like they
have to watch what they say, how are they
going to feel comfortable even talking
to me?
If you can understand what I am saying,
and you can identify, please know that I
know that you are doing the best you can.
What I need more than anything right now
is to be treated as normally as possible,
please.
I do not want to talk about what is going
on with me. I do not want to talk about my
symptoms. I just want to talk.
And, if I happen to talk about what is going
on, then I just ask you to listen and not try
to fix things or make them better. I know
if you care about me that is what you want,
and if I were in your shoes, I am sure I would
want to do the same.
Rest assured that if you can do this for me,
you will be helping me more than if you try
to fix anything.
If you can't do what I ask, then please talk
to me. Please let me know. Please don't
avoid me. Maybe there is a way to have
things work - if we can talk about it.
Quite frankly, I don't really want to talk about
it. I don't want to have these difficult situations.
At the same time, I am considering this an
opportunity for growth. I am looking at this
as an opportunity to deal with things that
haven't been dealt with before.
This situation is forcing me to be different
than I have been. It is very uncomfortable.
At the same time, I recognize that in the
discomfort is possibility...as long as I don't
run away from it...which really is all I want
to do right now.
And it is only week 3.
*Huge Sigh*
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