Gotta

Before I had to deal with this situation as it is,
I used to take supplements.  The "nice" thing
about taking them was that I never felt like I
"had" to.  If I didn't take them, or stopped taking
them for a while, I was never even sure if it
mattered, quite frankly.

Now, however, there are supplements that I
have been told to take, that I haven't been told
I "have" to, but they fall into that category, as
without them, there may be things that will
affect me that I won't be happy with.

So now I am in the haveta/gotta category, and
it is interesting how I react to it.  There is a part
of me that almost wants to rebel.  I gotta?  Well...
I'll show you.

Of course, I don't want that little kid inside of
me to win - she wouldn't be winning much at
all in the end.  However it is something that I
am finding interesting to watch and interact
with.

I know my unconscious is rigged all kinds of
ways and I can't help but wonder how much
of my life has been lived in a reactive way.

Several years ago I was in a course.  It was the
end of 4 long days, and there was one last
exercise we all needed to do.  Well...when it
came to my turn, I was told I needed to work
on my piece.  I went off to a room with
someone to work on it.  During the course of
our time together I went into a state of what
felt like severe devastation.

I cried from the deepest part of me.

During the time spent in the room I came to
realize something that turned me inside out.
People have said "feel the fear and do it
any way," and I thought up until that point
that that was what I was doing.  However
at that time, I suddenly realized that much of
my life, and my decisions, were actually the
opposite.  My choices were often based in
my fears.

I am not sure why I am telling you all of this
other than just a reminder to myself, I suppose:
a reminder to consider who and what is
driving me...even though, as I have already
stated, I don't always know who or what
that is...even when I think I do.