different visitor. It was a sister that I
haven't had any real contact with for
over 6 years.
We had a separation when we had a
situation that was quite unpleasant for
siblings to get into. I didn't handle
things very well, but it was disappointing
for me in how she handled them as well.
I was determined to make things right
at some point, but given the way things went,
it wasn't a high priority issue for me. In addition, if I was going
to be honest, it was so much easier for me not to have to deal with
my family. There would be no expectation for me to be anywhere
at any time, given the rift that was.
I didn't appreciate the conflicts that often occurred, and I have also
always been the odd one in my family, so I often do not have the
same ways of looking at, or interacting with, things. As a result,
it can be quite difficult to be in the mix of things.
What I found spending time with my sister was that she wasn't
exactly as I had remembered her to be, and very much in a good
way. I enjoyed being around her, despite it being a bit awkward
for a bit. However, given how our phone conversation had gone,
I knew that seeing her would be just fine.
I had no idea how much she really cared about me, and how much
our time apart meant to her. And when she found out about my
diagnosis, the idea of us not talking and something happening to me
was apparently quite an emotional idea for her. When she got
emotional, I did, too.
In my choice to stay away, I never really thought about how it might
be affecting her. I was too focused on me to have a conversation
about what happened/was happening. She seemed fine with how
things were, but I wasn't, and til I could make things right, I really
wasn't interested in resuming any type of communication. I even
had doubts that I would want to, even when things were rectified.
Interesting how we can make things up in our mind. I went places
she apparently never did.
It took this happening to put things aside and to create an opening
that wasn't there before. I really enjoyed the time we spent together.
I even got to speak to my nieces and nephew via the internet. As
young as they are, it would seem they barely knew me, but they
were interested in speaking with me, none-the-less. I have to say
that was pretty cool. I know kids can be quite open, but at the same
time, if they don't know you, they can also be quite the opposite.
My sister was asking about when I might be going up to New York.
Apparently it seems they would like to spend some time with me in
person. I am uncertain about visiting while still undergoing treatment.
My emotions are all over the place. I don't know how I feel about
being among them when I can't know how I will feel physically or
emotionally.
My sister suggested it might also be a good thing. She could be
right. I guess we will see. I am getting to the end, I hope! I will
be having the pet scan in the next 3 weeks, or so, and that will be
a key indicator of what is next. Good news, and I am almost through.
If it is anything different, then I am not sure what they will say/suggest.
So...please keep your good will coming my way, and your fingers
crossed for a good outcome. In between my emotional moments,
I feel good about things. I told a stranger in the train station the other
night that I wasn't feeling like I was done here, yet. She said that she
felt that I was likely right. For whatever value there is in that, I will
take it.
It would seem that this event called cancer is opening me up to life
in ways I wouldn't have expected and couldn't have known. I enjoy
the contact I have with people as I am going through this. I enjoy
the fact that I am able to contribute to others, and I am appreciative
of those who are helping me to take the best care of myself possible.
I will miss them when it is time to leave.
At the same time, I do wonder if there is some way for me to work
at the center. I am wondering if there is some way for me to perhaps
work with people as a hypnotist. I haven't had that conversation yet,
but plan on it. If any "one" would be open to it, it would be them.
And I certainly would love if there was some way to make it work,
even if in a minimal way.
***
Today I spent time with the friend I live with. We went shopping
for things for his home. Decorating is not his thing, and it is almost
funny that what seems "easy" to me, and makes sense, is something
so foreign to him. What I love, though, is that we often remind the
other that the things that we personally find so easy is like speaking
another language to the other. When he tells me about computer
things I tell him he has to talk to me like I am a dummy, and I am
OK with it. I really don't get what he would see as something so
simple.
He has been so good to me, and I like when I can return the favor
in some way. It isn't always so easy to do. It is kinda ironic, too,
as when we first met, I was helping him in some way, but he kept
feeling like there was some way he was supposed to help me. In
the end, I would tend to think that if we were keeping score, he has
done more for me at this point than I have done for him.
In addition, there was a point that we could have easily have parted
ways, but didn't. If that had happened, who knows where I would
be at the moment. I could still have been in California, and if that
had been the case, I would have been in BIG trouble when this
diagnosis showed up. When I felt I needed to leave the west coast,
I could not leave quickly enough! I knew I had to go. It is a good
thing I listened, and it is an even better thing that I could come and
live with my friend.
***
On a not so great note, it would seem I am definitely losing my
eyelashes and eyebrows. To say I am not happy about it, would
be an understatement, but at this point I am resigned. I have also
watched some tutorials about how to draw on eyebrows and to put
on fake lashes. I guess I will be doing a different kind of art soon.
There is certainly has been a learning curve in regard to my body,
supplements, how to put on a wig properly, and I am sure more.
Sometimes things occur to me, but then they are gone just as
quickly as they came. I am also having to learn how to function
with a brain that isn't functioning in a "normal" way, hoping that
it will return to its former self when this all is over.
***
I guess that is all for now. But, as always, there is more likely to
come. Life has a way of keeping things interesting.
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