Coming out of Hiding?

There are people who believe that babies within
the womb know what is going on.  They are
aware of the thoughts and the energies of those
around them, and in particular, their mother.

A few years back, I was thinking about this, and
started writing what I believe I was receiving
as a baby within my mother's womb.  It wasn't
something that was pleasant or welcoming.

It was full of upset and a desire for me not to
be present.  I never discussed this with my mother,
as when I have asked about other things, she
doesn't seem to remember them the way I do.

In addition, I was told that when she did get
pregnant with me, my father supposedly gave
her some pills that were supposed to take care
of things.  When I asked her about it, there was
no such acknowledgement.

Whether or not it was true, and whether or not
my writing was true, I have spent a good part of
my life trying to be invisible.  I have tried to
stay out of pictures and yearbooks.  I have tried
to be as silent and as invisible as possible.

And now I find myself realizing that the
invisibility cloak that I have been wearing is
not doing me any good.  It has helped to
minimize me and the effect of my being here.

A diagnosis of cancer could potentially help
to remove me from the picture all together.

I sometimes wonder what I think about the idea
of past lives, karma, and things like I described
above.  I wonder about them, and at the same
time experience things that tell me a thing or
two that is helpful in the context of those ideas.

Whether or not it is those ideas in play, or some
way of my mind sorting through things, it
doesn't really matter to me.  It isn't important
to me how something is labelled.  It is more
important to me that I find the openings in my
consciousness that allows me to learn, become
aware, understand, and grow.

I have been going under the idea that in 6 months
from diagnosis I will be free of chemotherapy
and free of cancer.  I am, after all, being treated.

However in the last few days I have been seeing
things about recurrences.  I feel like there is a
message there for me.  Part of the message is
one that scares me.  Part of the message is one
that tells me that I NEED to stand up for me and
my life.   I NEED to look at things in a new way.
I NEED to embrace this experience and its twists
and turns.  I NEED to see the bigger picture and
not just go along passively for the ride.

All of that scares me.  Fear of not being here
plus I have spent my life hiding.  It is where I
have been, for whatever reasons that created that.
And now I must embrace and create a different
experience, and a different me.

I don't know exactly how I am going to get
"there," but I suspect (and hope!) that
I am on my way.