Choices

All sorts of things are running through my mind today.

I am hoping that my visit here will help to sort them
out.

My friend left on Sunday, and it is amazing how
different things feel now.  For a while there was a
bit of "normalcy."  Although if you were to ask me
what "normal" was, I don't think I could say.

I was just grateful for what I was able to do, and
that my body for the most part cooperated.  I was
also grateful that my friend was with me when I
went for chemo, as I had a reaction this time.

It was toward the end of my treatment.  I only
had 20 minutes to go, and I started to feel the palms
of my hands and my feet begin to get itchy.  I didn't
think too much of it, but knew I should tell the nurse.

Immediately my treatment stopped, and they gave
me more Benedryl.  I didn't realize how sleepy it
could make me, and as we headed home, I was
mostly in and out of sleep on the train.  I would have
been in trouble, had I been by myself.

I am not sure what to do going forward.  The nurse
told me that in the future I need to do chemo during
the day - when the doctors are around.  Apparently
now there is a concern for me and a reaction to the
treatment.  It sounded ominous.

I feel like I need to be asking questions, but I am
not sure what they should be.  It basically sounds
like one could have difficulty breathing with the
treatment, and perhaps other things.  Do I want to
know what can happen?  Does it matter if I know?
Would it change anything?

At the same time, don't I need to be responsible
to myself and my treatment and understand what
is happening?

I HATE this.

Would I have done chemo if I knew the things that
could happen?  If the answer is a possible no then
maybe if this is what I needed to do, then I did the
right thing by not knowing the worst case scenarios.

I understand some people do chemo, and you would
never know it.  There is no reaction.  There are no
side effects.  How does it do me good to imagine the
worst, especially if it may have nothing to do with
my experience?

It occurs to me that much of life is like that.  We
can always imagine a worst case scenario that may
or may not happen.  Is it worth it?

I know the two therapies I am receiving, and I know
that Benedryl and "fluids" are involved.  But I don't
know the exact things that they give me.  In my mind
I decided I was doing this, and I kinda knew a bit of
what was involved from the beginning, which I
believe hasn't changed, and that was enough for me.

Is ignorance bliss?

I am feeling things in my body since the port was
put in.  I don't know if it is the result of the port that
I am feeling, or if it is from the Neulasta shot that
they give me to pump up my white blood cells.

I have an incredible looking bruise on my breast
that is still healing from where the port was implanted.
It is weird to feel it in me.  It is also a bit disconcerting
having it where it is, but the alternative would have
been much more obvious to the world and likely
solicit more stares and questions (even if left unasked).

I was thinking the other day about choices.  I was
thinking about how often we feel we "don't have a
choice."  I wrote an article about that idea a few
years back.

The fact is that I have choices I can make.
It just so happens I am not a big fan of
most of them right now.