Cherry on Top

I woke up this morning with a reaction on my back.
It seems I might have reacted to the dye they use
for the CT scan.

That has never happened before.

What has also never happened was the feeling of
it going into my body.  The tech told me I would
feel warmth throughout my body, which was
never my experience the other times (too many
times this year, actually).

I don't know if it is related, but any which way I
was really red, hot, and somewhat itchy.  I took
25 mg of Benedryl which seemed to help, and
then I fell asleep having some strange dreams
for about 4 hours.

When I woke up the red had spread.  I tried taking
another 25 mg of Benedryl, and called those who
are treating me, and explained what was going on.

They told me I should call the ER and ask for
some sort of prescription that would help get the
dye out of my body.  When I called the ER they
told me they would not do anything without my
coming in, and their seeing it first.

!!!!!!!!!!

As you may imagine, it is NOT something I am
wanting to do.  NOT after being there for so many
hours yesterday and last night. I am also not
thrilled at the idea of a prescription, or spending
the money.

I am now awaiting a call back regarding a plan
of action.  I am not sure why the place that treats
me can't just call one in if they really feel I need
it.  In addition, it had better be one that can be
filled generically.  Once they called in an Rx
that would have cost in the vicinity of $500!

As I think about this, if there is a "mind/body
connection," to things, rashes are usually equated
to the heat of anger.  If there is anything that I
can do to heal whatever might be behind this,
I am sure it will go a long way in helping without
another trip to the ER or a number of Benedryl
doses.

I really gotta see what I can do to sort things
out in the non-physical realm.  As I said
yesterday, I suspect there is more to this
than appears to be.

The thing is, and the thing has always been,
how do you shake the unconscious knowledge
loose so the conscious experience changes?

If you don't know what you don't know,
how do you get in the know?  I know there
are things that linger within me.  I just never
would want them to be so adamant that they
take me down.

I also need to figure out how to deal with
a situation that feels like a spiral downward
that I do not want to be in.  You know the
kind:  do one thing, and then you need to
do something to deal with the thing caused
by the reaction to that thing.

My dreams this morning were scary, and
the path narrow and dark and muddy.
At the same time, I was able to draw back
and not go the scary path.  I am not sure,
though, from what I remember of the
dream if I felt that I needed to go that way,
but fear was keeping me back, or if it was
just better not to head in that direction.

But then I had another dream in which I
believe I was at the bottom of what I saw
in the first dream, and trying to work my
way up.  At first it seemed do-able, but then
as I went, the path wasn't so certain, and
was coming apart, and I froze in fear,
pretty much blocking all of those who
were coming behind me.

Then I woke up.

Hmmmm.  Wouldn't it be nice if I could
"wake up" from this fear filled dream I
am living?  I wonder if my situation is as
"real" as the dream I had.

Maybe the cancer is an alarm clock that
woke me up, and maybe the situation is
me hitting the snooze button?

Just thinking out loud.  I find metaphors
very helpful, when I find the right one.

The last thing I want is to miss important
information for the test we call life.  But
as I think about it, it is the things that we
miss and come to know that we never
forget.

In third grade I was in a spelling bee.  My
word was "receive."  (Kinda ironic, as I
think about it at the moment, but any way...)
I spelled it wrong, and was one of the first
bumped out of the contest.

Interestingly, the way to remember spelling
receive is to never believe a lie.  Of course
you need to know how believe is spelled
to begin with.

Since that day, I have always known how
to spell receive.  It is emblazoned in my
brain.

I find this conversation oddly pertinent
to any mind/body issues and questions I
have.  How much of what I experience
is some sort of lie propagated by my
beliefs?  And how much of that might
be standing in the way of my receiving
what I need in mind, body and soul in
regard to this experience?  And how
much does my ability to remember
what is "right" affect my ability to move
forward to the next challenge?

Funny how life ties things together in
surprising ways.

Wow.