Not feeling well and frustrated

The last two nights I haven't slept well.

One night I was constantly getting up to go
to the bathroom.  The other night I woke up
with what I think was a bad gas attack.

If you have never had one, it makes you think
something is really wrong, especially if you
have a port.  I kinda know better, given how
I first felt when I came home from the hospital.

It was something that was all too "usual" then.
I was actually thinking last night that I am not
exactly sure when it stopped happening.  I
was also thinking about how grateful I was
that it had stopped.

Funny how life is.

In the midst of something nothing else matters.
But once it is gone, so might the memory of
the misery be gone, too.  In a way I would say
that is good.  In another way, though, the
contrast is often where the appreciation will
lie.

I was told that I may want to be careful how
I managed my energy.  I was told that if I
over did it, I might find myself down for
a length of time.

I think I over did it in the last couple of days.
I felt horrible last night.  I thought I might even
entertain staying in bed today.  It is the perfect
day for it, actually.  Overcast and stormy.  The
perfect weather for me.

But what did I do?  I got out of bed and
got creative and did a few things.  As great
as that may be, I am frustrated because I need
to do some things that require me to think and
it is next to impossible.

It is odd not to be fully functioning.  It is odd
to know that there are things I could do before
that are incredibly difficult now.  I saw a video
yesterday with someone who had no arms.  She
never had arms.

She was showing how she does things.  She
learned to use her feet as arms.  She doesn't
know what it is like to have arms, and doesn't
know what it is like to lose them.

I am not sure why I am saying this, except
to observe how when you don't know what
is possible, you don't necessarily miss it.

I hope that things will get back to normal
when all is said and done.  I really am
missing how it feels not to have this cloud
in my head.  It is like a blanket, but
unfortunately not one that comforts.

A few people have also made comments to
me recently about me and what is next.  Before
all of this I didn't have answers, and I certainly
do not now.  As much as I would love to have
the ability to plot my next path and strategize
and do all those wonderful things that healthy
people do, I can't.

At the same time, there must be some things
I CAN do, which is why I am likely spending
the time I am being creative.  One of my newest
works is like a doodle, of sorts, and someone
told me that there is the thought that when one
doodles, it is because the mind is in an "idle"
state.

Yup.  That fits.
I do feel like
I am going
no where fast.