The Winding Road

I haven't been in the best place emotionally recently.

I have been crying a lot.  I have to wonder if that

might be a good thing.  I didn't cry much for a few

years...and I wonder if it might have been because

I was numb.  It could be there was nothing to cry 

over, but I think I was just on autopilot.

Heading toward my chemo appointment this last

time, I missed my exit.  I think I wasn't in the best

state of mind, given all that has been going on.

If I had left later, I would have missed my train,

and have been late for my appointment.  Sounds

like some unconscious sabotage to me.

One of my Facebook friends was concerned for

me after seeing my last video.  He was concerned

that I might be feeling alone.  Previously someone

else had commented about me being alone.  I was

quick to clarify my circumstances because I did

not want anyone to feel like I am misrepresenting

myself or my situation.

Having said that...

If one would look at my situation objectively, they

would see that there are people that I can talk to.

They would see that if I wanted to have company

with my treatments, I likely could.  They wouldn't

see an army of people around me, though.  And

they would not be able to miss the fact that most

of those I communicate with are not local.  They

would also see some of those that I know keeping

their distance. 

In addition, they would see that one of the biggest 
ways that people could help me would be to help 
ease my financial worries and concerns, either by 
contributing themselves, or sharing my situation 
and request with others.

They also couldn't help but notice my discomfort

asking for that help, and how that might be limiting

what would be possible.

They would see me going through the days in

a myriad of ways, depending on what was going

on, and how I felt.  They would see me not leaving

home for several days sometimes because of

what my body's demands are.

They might see me actively engaged and speaking 
with someone about anything, other than what is 
going on with me, or ignoring the phone because 
a conversation would take too much effort, or the 
bathroom is calling one too many times, or I 
am asleep.

They would know that I spend time asking 

myself questions like how best to get through 

this and what can I be doing and also what do

I do about what comes next, and they would

know how disconcerted I am by the fact that

what comes next is something I haven't a clue 

about - which is bad enough by itself.  But

then they would know that it is tied in my mind

to the fear of running out of money, and not

only not knowing what to do, but wondering

what I am capable of doing.

It would be at that point they would see that

while there are people around, and people I 

can talk to, and that in the sense of connection,

I was not alone, I could not feel more alone in

how to deal with the big picture and my fears.

They would see me struggle with the concepts

that are bantered about, and the platitudes

shared, and even with my own history, when

doing the best I can to do what I can, and

live from moment to moment, while wondering

if anyone really has got a clue how freakin'

scary this is, and how scared I am.

They would also notice the voice in the back 

of my head that questions being honest about

my circumstances.  In cases where I tell the

doctors the truth, they want to order tests,

and I can't help but wonder how many truly

are necessary, and how many I have been

scared into as a result.  They would notice

that the truth spoken to those I know leaves

some feeling helpless, or with a strong desire

to say the right thing, and or fix things, 

which at times, depending on my mood and

situation annoys the sh*t out of me.  

Of course, that is the kind of honesty that would

be hard to share, as I know people only want

to help.  I know they have the best of intentions,

and I don't want to stop them from feeling

able to talk to talk to me.  At the same time,

it might seem that people already have a 

difficult time, as I can't talk about my weekend

plans, or plans for vacation, or other "normal"

things.

They would see how happy it makes me to be

able to make a difference for another, like 

the time I shared a contact name for someone

in need.  It was something that might seem

small and insignificant to some, and it may

not net any result, but the fact that I could

do it lit me up.

This observer would see how starved I was to

make connections for people and to help them

in whatever way I could.  They would see me

asking myself over and over what I could be

doing to make that happen.  

Then the observer would see me get inspired,

and make a posting that read:

so...I have been thinking about how much I love connecting people with other people and information.  I cannot tell you how much it lights me up when I am able to do that.  It doesn't always work out, but sometimes the net effect is even better than might be hoped for.  I have considered ideas over time to try to help others, but nothing has gelled.

Given my current situation, I am desperate to make something happen.  DESPERATE.

For that reason, I want to ask you to let me try to help you with something you might need.  You might need some info, a contact, a contractor, a job, some peace of mind...the list of course is endless.  We all need something.  

I may not have a clue if anyone I know can help...but it could be worth a shot, right?  

Some people want to help me, but don't know how.  This might be an option.  It will speak to my heart, and make me feel useful.  You can tell others to ask me, too...I have no idea what will happen, but quite frankly, if it blows up in my face, it will bring some much needed excitement to my life.  I have the best of intentions...so hopefully it will flow through...regardless of the ultimate outcome.

So...will you help me, please?  Post your info/need as a comment below, or feel free to private message me.  it doesn't matter where in the world you are...you never know who knows what and who.

Thanks.

I invite you to take part.  We all need something

at various times.  Things.  Big and small.  This 

is a great way to help me, and better yet,

yourself.  You got nothing to lose, and the

perfect possibility to gain.  Feel free to comment

below with what you need, or on Fb, or private

message me. 

And...please tell others!

Any time is a time for collaborative effort.

Now, more than ever.

A few years ago, I started a blog called

Dollar difference. 

I would like - LOVE - to reignite it.

Maybe you have something you

would like to add there.  Take a

look, and let me know.

Let's be in touch!