Q: How do you eat an elephant?

A:  One bite at a time.

No wonder I am choking.

I am trying to eat one all at once.

Today is the anniversary of something horrible,
and it fits the way I feel.

It started last night, and it continues today.
I am emotional and I am tired and I am
overwhelmed by life in general.

Have you ever been one to "feel" what another
person feels?  If so, you may know what I am
dealing with at the moment.  I can often feel
what another is feeling emotionally and physically,
and I am wondering if I am picking up the
feelings of those who are focused on the events
of THAT day, 11 years ago.

I am wondering if I am picking up those types
of feelings if it is making me more vulnerable
to the more immediate concerns I have.  I was
speaking with someone earlier about my
situation going forward.  All of my concerns
are tied together, and in one heck of a freakin'
knot.

The person was trying to be helpful.  I know he
was; but he was anything but.  I got emotional.
I started to cry.  I needed to end the conversation.

I was told that I shouldn't be the way I was being.
How else could I have been?  It overtook me.
Emotion is like that.  Emotion is a wave that
overcomes and never looks back.  It covers
everything else and wipes out logic of any kind
from its path.

Logically one might offer ideas and solutions for
dealing with emotion, but one has to be in a non
emotional place to get the most benefit from
whatever the advice might be.  The time one
needs it the most is the time it can least likely be
of any help.

I "know" things consciously, logically.  But that
doesn't mean that I can extract the "emotion-maker"
in my body.  I find that logic often wants to get
rid of emotion - especially when it is someone
else's and we don't know what to do with it.

It would seem emotion serves a purpose.  At least
I would have to hope it does, given its effects.

This person was trying to help by making my
emotional reaction wrong, and telling me what
they believed was right.  In the midst of an
emotional moment, it was like he put kerosene
on my emotional fire.  His well-intentioned
reaction only made things worse.

I am not in the best place in general these days.
I have so little tolerance for things that I can't
deal with.  Is it the best way to be?  I haven't
a freakin', bloody clue.

But at the moment, it is difficult for me to sit
back an analyze things in the way that I would
have pre-all of this (crap.  There I said it.  Didn't
want to, but it is honest for the way I feel at the
moment).

So much of my life has been analyzed and
assessed to death, and for what?  I still am
standing in a place I would never have
consciously chosen.  I could pretend like
everything is "normal," but I am not sure
that if what was before was normal, it is
where I want to be.

In the meantime, I am craving chocolate like
crazy in between being tired and crying and
writing this little diddy.  Good thing I got
some chocolate pudding.  Although, sadly,
it doesn't seem to be the grand fix I need.

That darn elephant.