typing and see a beautiful bruise in my
arm where the port insertion was attempted.
I was feeling Ok about the port because I
believed it would go in my arm. Well. as
it turns out, it is a more difficult insertion,
and if it doesn't work, there is only one
choice.
Would have been nice to know that going in.
For some reason(s?) that I can not identify, this
was a lot worse for me than my hysterectomy. I
could not contain my emotions or my tears, and
am even crying now as I share this.
I had my friend briefly hypnotize me before going
into surgery, and it seemed to help calm me down
a bit.
I was adamant that I did not want them to use a drug
called Versed. I looked it up online when I had my
colonoscopy, and it seems its main goal is to have you
forget what happens, but it does not seem to be necessary.
The anesthetist from my hysterectomy tried to tell me
otherwise. I didn't quite understand his reasoning, but I really
wasn't in a position to argue, so I agreed to let him use it. I
can't really say what my experience of it was, as I was
drugged significantly after the surgery. It was only after
they started to change the dosing that I started to be more
myself, and that was about a week later.
I am still not convinced that Versed is necessary for any
reason, given what I read. I can't help but wonder if the
medical profession drinks its own Kool-Aid, If something
really isn't good, but they are told it is, and it is accepted -
without question. If it is indeed what they say, it should
stand up to the questioning and scrutiny.
Of course this does not hold true for all. But it sure seems like
it does for many. I see this type of thing in my own profession.
Many hypnotists, many esteemed, professional hypnotists will
say, "you will never do anything against your will" hypnotically.
While technically it is true, there are ways to manipulate a person
into doing something they do not want to do, Saying the first part,
I believe has the ability to lull people into a false sense of security.
People need to know what they are getting into. So often people
come with a "do me" attitude. It is an approach that is uninformed,
at best, and dangerous, at worst, depending on the ethics and ability
of the hypnotist.
Many hypnotists would be reluctant to talk this way, even if they
believed what I said is possible because they don't want to scare off
potential clients. That has been a rare case for me. But I also suspect
that many of those I tell don't believe me. They believe what they have
heard over and over what they have been hypnotized to believe: you
will never do anything against your will.
Once someone who questioned my perspective suggested I get training in
hypnosis. Just in case someone reading this has a similar thought, let me
tell you that I DO have training. It just so happens I have experiences that
tell me that there is more to it than most hypnosis training suggests.
As with anything in life, I say questioning is good. My sister and my
friend who was with me yesterday both question my questioning.
They think I should do anything that the doctors and medical
profession think I should. In some cases, their advice is perceived
to be "easier" than the route I chose.
I was thinking about this the other day. I was thinking about how
so much of what we have is designed to take away and minimize
pain. That alone I don't think is a "bad" thing, but when it includes
ANY pain big or small, that is what I question - especially when
following the advice might have adverse side effects.
They give me a shot when my white blood cells go down to a certain
level. It pretty much amounts to one shot every 2 weeks. The shot
helps my body make white blood cells, but as it does it creates a type
of pain in my body that is difficult to describe. It feels like it rolls.
It is one thing to feel something in an isolated place, but it quite
another to feel it moving around.
They told me that I could take 10mg of Claritin every day for a
week in addition to Tylenol (no more than 3g per day) and Benedryl
(25 mg per dose) with the Tylenol and Benedryl being repeated
every four hours.
I tried a bit of that advice one week. I took Claritin one day and
the Benedryl for a day, to two, I think. I don't remember, but it
wasn't much. Interestingly, though, I never felt that rolling pain.
The following time I got the shot, I did nothing. I felt that rolling
pain again, but it wasn't as bad as the first time. The chemo nurse
yesterday told me that even in one person, the experience of the shot
can vary with each dose. As a result, I do not know what to thank,
if anything, for the time that there wasn't that rolling pain.
I got the shot this last time, and I decided to take what they suggest
but again in a minimized version. We will see how my experience
pans out. I would rather take nothing at all, but I am not sure there
is any benefit in my suffering through it.
I imagine pain from person to person and their tolerance for it will
vary. For that reason, I would never judge a person's choice to take
medicinal options when they are available. As for myself, I will
question what I do as I consider the side effects seriously as well
as look at pain as a human thing that may need to occur. Maybe
there is something in the pain for me to consider. As a result, I
will not jump on the medicine bandwagon just because I was
offered a ride. But if it gets to a point that it makes sense to ride
instead of walk, I will take them up on their offer...but only as long
as it seems to make sense.
This is yet another way that my life seems to be going against the
prevailing tide. It would be a lot easier if I just agreed with
everything, and went along with it, but I am not sure I could live
with the me that would be created as a result.
Time and time again I have had disagreements about things with
people and it has often been difficult to stand up for what I truly
felt was best for me. It has sucked, and often left me standing
alone. Thankfully it has gotten easier to do, but it is still very
uncomfortable to hear what others think is best for me when I
have already made up my mind.
When I got the port everyone kept telling me how happy they
were for me. They kept saying how happy I would be that I
got it. They obviously don't know me. Happy does not anywhere
near describe how I feel about what has happened. Perhaps that
will change in time.
But as for now, no where near.
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