Sorting Stuff.

Since I was diagnosed, I feel like everything is much
more immediate.  It is a tough feeling to have when
I don't feel like I can do much of anything.

It is rather odd, actually, that I can seem to write these
blogs, but have difficulty dealing with anything else.
I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I am
not really thinking as I type.  I suspect I am functioning
from a very different place than the conscious place
most of my life takes place in.

And the conscious place sucks a good part of the time.

Some people try to be helpful and tell me to do things.
They try to make suggestions that would most likely
be closer to helpful IF I felt like I could function
like I did before treatment began.  Before treatment
if I didn't do it I could blame it on procrastination,
or not wanting to do it, or other things you might
use yourself when not actively pursuing something.

As I go through treatment, I do not feel like those are
things that fit.  It is more a matter of being CAPABLE
of doing them.  As I write that, I wonder if I AM
capable, but only if I push through the fog in my
head and the tiredness in my body.

The next question that follows is is that what I am
"supposed" to do?  What if what is going on with
me is a way to show me something?  And what if
the only way I am going to see/experience/know it
is if I put the brakes on and face it?  What if all of
these things I could force myself to do are (or could
be) a distraction?

If I were you and I was reading this, I think I would
wonder if the things said were excuses, or if there
was something to them.  I know I would be looking
for an answer/for a fix.

Well, maybe.

I find myself reacting to things and people and
situations differently now.  I find myself more in
a state of acknowledgement for what is rather than
it being a moment of FIX.

We have been taught by the world that we live in
that nothing ever is enough.  Well...that isn't exactly
true.  Something might be enough, but only until
we are led to believe something else is what we
need.

We have been taught by the nature of our commerce
that we are only happy when we travel, or buy things,
or eat meals at McDonalds, or wear the most perfect,
in-style clothing, or...

It sets us up over and over.

There is no way to ever feel fully (or more than
momentarily) satisfied while caught in the cog of
the perspective we are bombarded with.

And that feeling we feel, it must be fixed.

I imagine it is the nature of the fix that gives us
progress.  I imagine it is a good thing.  At the same
time, I can not help but wonder how life would be
if I was not bogged down by things.

I live with a friend, and at the moment I have a number
of things that are in his basement.  My stay here was
only supposed to be a year.  Because we share the
space, there are things that I do not need from my
boxes, so I justify keeping them because one day I
will need them.

There are times, though, I wonder what it would be
like to get rid of most of what is there.  I spent a lot
of money shipping those things cross country, and
if I don't keep them, there may be a time I will need
to buy other things to replace them - which seems
like a potential waste (and not to mention my
current financial concerns).

It may seem in the midst of a situation like mine that
a conversation along these lines would seem less than
necessary/appropriate.  Why would I be concerned
about these things in the midst of a day-to-day
existence?

I find my analytical mind playing devil's advocate.
I am good at that.  At times too good.  It takes me
all over the place.

I feel like there is a much BIGGER thing going on
here than I have yet to know.  I feel like these so-
called "little" or seemingly insignificant things are
things that I need to be paying attention to.

In a way I feel like I need to do a clearing out, a
letting go.  There is so much I could just let go of,
and never miss.  I have felt this way for a while,
and maybe my current situation is making me
look at everything even more closely.  With
relatively nothing else to do, it is more in my face.

I have heard our physical environment is a
representation of our mental one.  If that is indeed
true, there is a lot to clear out and clear up.

I find myself asking, "Is this a fix?"  To which
I question if I feel like there is something wrong
with what is.  I think that at the base of a fix
is the idea that there is something wrong with
what is.

Is there something wrong here?  I wonder if there
is something right.  I wonder if somehow these
things are taking me places I would never have
known without them.  I am wondering if these
objects are teachers that I have outgrown.

And if nothing is wrong, and nothing needs to
be fixed, then why would I make a change?
Because I WANTED to, which to me would seem
a better reason than making myself feel all of the
negative stuff that usually goes along with a need
to fix things.

Sounds good.
But still don't
feel like doing a
damn thing,
though.