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many of which have Jon Stewart and
Stephen Colbert. I really enjoy watching
the two of them. They both seem to make
sense to me. I also love how much they
seem to be the genuine article.
It reminds me of a speaker I once saw. I
almost don't want to mention it, as I don't
remember his name, and I feel a bit awkward
about it. But I mention it any way, because
I loved watching this speaker speak.
He sat in a chair on the stage, and talked.
He barely used a board. He barely used
anything, but himself and his presence.
The room was quiet. And it was a large
room, with a lot of people. And you could
hear a pin drop.
I don't remember what he said, either.
But I remember how he was.
He was at peace with himself and the
world, even though he had faced down
a serious personal health crisis. He
knew who he was. He, too, was the
genuine article.
After he spoke, I went up to him and
said that if I ever became a speaker, I
wanted to be just like him. He responded
by telling me that I should be a speaker
just like ME.
I got what he meant. I think we meant
the same thing, in a way. I think I
identified in him the part of me that
wanted to be that genuine and that open
and that free to be who I was, and to have
people respond to that.
People have asked me if I could wave a
magic wand what I would want to do.
The three things that stick out for me
are write a book, continue with my
radio show, and be a speaker.
For many years I have wanted to write
a book. I even remember telling someone
on the train years ago that. But I didn't
know then what I still don't know now,
which is what exactly it would be about.
I have had many different directions I
could go, and I have never been sure
which one would be best. I have tried
to start writing one more than once, and
when I read what I wrote, I cringe. It
feels contrived and forced. I also wonder
if anyone would really be interested in
reading what sounds boring to me.
My radio show has been on hiatus for
over a year. After approximately 30ish
shows, the last show I had had a big
brouhaha. I was doing the show with
someone that I had done several shows
with.
The show was almost over when I got
a call from a woman who had called
in other times, and even during that show
itself, but felt compelled to call back to
address the word "cougar."
The show had nothing to do with cougars
(in the slang context) but she felt the
term was misogynistic and felt the need
to address that.
We wound up talking about that the
last several minutes of the show, and there
was a great divide of opinion about whether
or not it was a negative term. It pissed a
lot of people off.
Talk about awkward.
I could have cut the conversation off, but
my show is about perspective, so I thought
it was a good thing to address. So we did.
Later someone who listened told me it was
the "stuff" of radio shows. He thought the
controversy was great. But those involved
hardly would have agreed with him.
After the show, when I spoke with the
person who was my on-going guest, we
agreed that another show would be a good
idea. We agreed that there was valuable
context for a conversation about what had
just happened.
Or so I thought.
We never did another show, and we never
had another conversation personally again.
I wrote her an email to address things, but
there was no response.
I let it go. I also let my radio show go.
I got the impression that she wasn't so much
wanting to do the show, but may just not
have said. To be fair, there was a part of me
that wasn't so certain about it, either.
But I wasn't sure why I wasn't certain, and
the fact that we were only doing one a month,
with no pre-prep work was working for me.
I find that I work best with interaction with
another, so the idea of going solo wasn't
anything I was willing to do at the time.
And given everything else that was going on
with me, I also wasn't prepared to go back
and spend the time I had when I was having
guests.
So when this all happened, that was it for
the show. I have really wanted to start it
up again. I have a few ideas, but with the
way I feel, it has been difficult to get myself
together enough to move forward.
Then there is the speaker route. I have
spoken on the topic of hypnosis. I did it
mostly when I was in California at some
libraries and Kiwannis groups. I LOVED it.
But I haven't done anything in that regard
since being back on the east coast. Ideally
I would love to do it, and get paid like many
speakers do. It need not be in the thousands,
but I wouldn't mind working myself up to
that point.
I think I have a few things I could say,
even more so now.
I am wondering what I could do to get
things started. I feel like I am scared about
involving other people right now given
that I don't feel like I am functioning well
when it comes to my mind. So much of
life is based on appearances, and I don't
want to come off in a way that is
unprofessional in a setting that most would
require professionalism.
At the same time, I feel like the message I
have has a lot to do with taking chances
and being true to oneself and being oneself
so maybe there would be something good
that could come out of me extending myself.
If I can get past that, then I just have to get
my mind wrapped around the idea that it
needs to work with me, and work. Just
yesterday I finally completed something
that has been hanging over my head for
weeks.
When I started to write today, I had no idea
where this was going to go. I am a bit
surprised that I wrote what I did. At the
same time, I suppose it makes sense that
in identifying with aspects of another, I
would be looking at myself.
It was a rough weekend. Today it feels
like I am a bit more back to myself. I
don't really understand why it is that
some days I have no energy and all I
want to do is sleep and then other days
it feels like I could almost be my "normal"
self.
And this is exactly why I question doing
anything right now. If I commit to
something and have a crashing kind of
day, it could really be a problem.
As I typed that I think about how people
talk about getting through things, and
I remember once being really sick while
in a seminar. I really wanted to go home
and be sick. The leader of the seminar
wouldn't let me.
I got a great lesson out of having to be
there, but this isn't exactly the same thing.
It isn't "just" being sick. And if I had
been nauseous, or had diarrhea, it might
have been a different story as well.
Can you tell I feel a bit defensive? I
can't help but wonder if I could be
doing more. At the same time, I truly
do feel like I am doing the best I can.
If there is anyone who is reading this
that knows what chemo is like, and has
had to interact with life and business
while being treated, I would like to
talk to you. I would like to get a sense
of how things were for you, and if your
experience was anything like mine, I
would like to know how you dealt
with it.
In the meantime, I am half way there,
and hopefully there will be good
pet scan news that will confirm that
treatment will be ending soon.
I really feel like I am in this weird
limbo land, and I feel like it is time
to get out. Unfortunately there is
no way out at the moment, so I am
going to have to find a way to make
my stay work for me.
Sometimes I just want to scream.
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