Worries

Last night I was up until late.  Almost 2:00, I think.

I was up because I found things to worry about late.

The area around my port is red.
I read online it could be a sign of infection.
Infections there are NOT good, and potentially lethal.

So I called the facility I work with.

They asked me a few questions,
and apparently whatever may be going on
can wait until I see them again.

At least it doesn't hurt.
At least it isn't warm.
At least I don't have a fever.

It may be...nothing.

Of course that didn't stop me from worrying.

In addition, I almost didn't call because I didn't want
them to tell me again to go to the ER.  Part of the
reasoning behind that was my previous experience
and part of it was the other thing I found to worry
about last night.

I was looking online, and saw something about
my plan and the hospital of choice.  It had some
comment/disclaimer that made it seem as though
the hospital ER I went to might not have been
in network.

My insurance, as you may know, SUCKS.  My
out-of-network deductible is $6,000.  In addition,
I am unclear if the ceiling that I have regarding
my costs involves both in and out of network.

At midnight,
there is no one
I can talk to
to get answers.

I found myself calling someone I know in California
just to talk it out.  I needed to get the worry out
somehow.  People tell me I can talk to them any
time I need someone, but I don't know that they
would appreciate a late night call.

I came to the conclusion that whatever the situation,
I would deal with it.  If it meant filing for bankruptcy,
I would even do that, as much as I really don't think
I can "afford" to do that.

The hospital also had me sign something that said
they would help financially, if need be and that
I could make payments.  So if I had to make
payments the rest of my life, then I guess, so be it.

Today I made the nerve-racking call to find out
what's what, even thinking I am pretty certain I
even checked this out before.  It would seem I am
likely OK.  Of course I won't know anything
until the insurance company or hospital sends
me something, but at least I am breathing a little
easier.

On top of everything else, I am walking a fine line
these days in regard to EVERY aspect of my
situation.  One little thing goes off, and I am
off the edge.

I would like to find myself less reactive, especially
in cases where it might just turn out to be OK.
Perhaps this situation is helping/testing me in that
regard.

Life is short enough without giving it more of
my worried self.  Maybe this is a lesson in learning
about what truly matters.

I just hope I pass.