about ovarian cancer treatment, and was more
struck by the comments than the article itself.
Several people question whether or not another
year or two of life is "worth it" given what the
person has to go through to get there. It made me
think about the fact that no one really knows how
a person is going to respond to treatment, and
what the outcome will ultimately be.
How does one know if they will be one that will
favorably respond, and live for many years after,
or be one that it will be lots of suffering til the
end. What kind of living is that?
When I was getting treatment, I remember thinking
about this. There was one day in particular I
remember thinking that if that was the way the
rest of my life was to be, that was no way to live.
As it was, I pretty much "lost" 6 months to surgery
and chemotherapy. Of course there was the hope
and desire to get to the "other" side. Of course I
now hope that everything is OK, and will stay
that way.
The way things were moving for me, had I not
done what I did when I did, I might not still be
here. My tale would have ended long before it
ever began.
There would have been no 50+ videos, no 400+
blog entries. My experience would have been a
tiny footnote somewhere.
Because I am still here, I have to hope and believe
there is a reason. I have to hope and believe that I
can do something with my knowledge and my life
that I couldn't have done - or didn't do - before my
diagnosis.
Of course, I could be wrong. There could be nothing.
I hope that is not the case. But one just never knows
until one knows.
I have become quite verbal in my life. I have become
more "real" than ever. More blunt than ever. I educate
people about the "cancer experience." If I had "left"
last year, my contributions wouldn't have existed.
The thing is, though, as I write this I really do wonder
if I am fooling myself, or if there really has been a
contribution. I say this because so many times things
are left unacknowledged, unsaid. I could be touching
thousands for all I know, but because they don't
touch back, I do not know for certain.
But just because I don't know doesn't mean that it
doesn't happen. When a tree falls in the woods, it had
to stand first, regardless of whether or not it makes a
sound and whether or not it is heard.
Another article I saw was about a boy who used Instagram
to threaten to commit suicide on his birthday. He had
been bullied, and felt like he didn't matter. He felt isolated,
alone.
You don't have to be a child and/or bullied, to feel isolated
or alone. Just being human can leave you with moments
of feeling empty and asking the question, "what's the point?"
with a default answer leaning in the direction of there is none.
At times it isn't easy to live this life we life. There are lots
of time there are questions. There are lots of times things
are done in isolation. There are lots of times we may think
something we are doing has no point.
I am not really sure how to reconcile these types of things.
One may say it doesn't matter if we know we are making
a difference or not. But if we are left feeling like what we
do doesn't matter and we we are left feeling alone, it is
difficult to go with the "logic" of that statement.
We are on this earth TOGETHER. There has to be a reason
for that. There has to be a reason that we are meant to interact.
There has to be a reason we are meant to be here for each
other in some way. There has to be a reason we are meant
to have a life that is more than just about us.
When someone chooses to live in the face of a diagnosis
that says death is imminent, perhaps their life is not about
them, but those they touch and will touch. Maybe the choice
alone means something and while it may not be known what
it means, it doesn't mean it won't be - or wasn't - worth it.
How do we value life? How can we say from where we
stand at this moment in time that the future as it will be will
be worth it, or not? There really is no way to know. In the
same way, those who reflect back and question it have no
way to see what might have been the benefit of all of that
transpired. There really is no way to know that, either.
We may think we know a lot. But the fact seems to be that
there is much that we don't have a clue about. And it is in
those moments that we don't have a clue that the magic
seems to happen.
I have no idea what the answer is to the hard choices that we
make. But I don't know if we are meant to have one. Maybe
the fact that we continue to ask the question is the thing that
makes the difference for us ultimately. Asking questions means
we are alive and engaged.
I think there is something about stopping asking questions that
equates to death, but I am not sure how to express it. I have
tried a few times now, and find myself stymied. But I think
there may be a way that that type of death is worse than death
itself because we are then in some ways the walking dead.
I am trying to figure out if I think this makes sense, or not. So
if it doesn't make sense to you, I understand. But maybe there
is something to it.
And then again, maybe it the human need that I have to have
things mean something that drives me to figure things out in
a way that makes some sort of sense - even if I don't completely
understand it.
As usual, I have many more questions than I do answers. And
I hope that the answers I do have in some way help me to make
the choices that are right for me - even if they are uncomfortable
or painful - even if they seem to create more uncertainty - even
if they are in some way deemed "wrong."
Having said all of this, I still find myself questioning the value
of my life. I find myself questioning why I am still here. I find
myself wondering what I am supposed to be doing, and if what
I am doing is "it." I find myself in need of help and find myself
uncomfortable with many aspects of my life.
And it really does suck.
But is it worth it?
...
...
...
It took a bit to answer...
but...
My Answer is YES.
(tears flow)
and then...
I certainly hope so.
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