I don't even know where to begin.
I have spent a bit of my time in my past. It is remarkable being back in territory that I used to live in. I felt like I was haunting it today. It is odd to see the homes that I spent a lot of time in - that now look different and belong to strangers.
Being around my family was emotionally wearing for several reasons. Not the least of which had to do with the "c" word. I spent time with a lot of family I haven't seen in several years. I was wondering how many of them would have what I dealt with in the back of their mind.
Earlier today I became aware of at least one person who had it in their mind, based on what was said. The implication was that something could happen to me. I said that is the reason that I didn't want to tell anyone what was going on. I didn't want anyone to look at me, think cancer, and have all of the "wonderful," related associations.
It was bad enough that I had things in the back of my own mind. It is very surreal to be facing someone else's death, wondering about my own mortality. Being here would have had such a different feeling if I was as blissfully unaware of my mortality as I was before the diagnosis that came last year. Death is never easy, but if there is any easier it is in the presence of blissful ignorance.
So many times over the years my cousins and I have said we would stay in touch, only to fall silent. It is all too easy. As I left my one cousin today I said that as long as he was willing to make an effort, I was, too. That whatever time we had left we could certainly do whatever we could to stay in touch.
Since I was so close to my aunt when growing up, I was also close to my cousins. In some ways, they were like siblings. Even though we haven't spoken, I love them. And it was quite apparent to me that they love me, too.
It was hard for me to be so sad in front of them. As sad I was, she was their mother. They knew her better. They got more of her time, energy, love and laughter. As much as she was there for me, she was there for her children even more - just as I would imagine it should be.
It was hard for me, too, to see my family's families. I was jealous. I am usually OK with the fact that I haven't had a family. But I had always wanted one. I never wanted to wind up this way. I never thought I would. I always imagined having a husband and kids. Neither of which ever materialized.
I felt very much out of place.
And then there were some things said to me. One of which had to do with me and my wig. I was told that I should look at the "big picture," and that I should be happy to be alive. How dare someone tell me that?! How can someone make that assessment? Maybe if a whole boatload of other things weren't piling up it wouldn't have bothered me so much. But with the pile of things, it was overwhelming and annoying and angering.
And then someone told me that I should moderate how I am, if I want people to interact with me. I basically motioned to my aunt and said, "as you know, life is short," and it was me in some way indicating that I had learned to be myself. I said I didn't care about how strangers interacted with me, and as far as things went with that person, well, they know me. I am who I am, and over time I have gotten a fair share of grief about how I am. Why would they expect anything different?
I have come to the conclusion that I am the "crazy aunt" in my family. Every family has one, and in mine, I seem to be it. I resigned myself to that a while ago. Not like it is a bad thing. It is "just" a thing. I am who I am, and I know I am different.
It has taken me a long time to get here. I realize I am not going to be a one-size fits all. There is no way I could ever be. There would have been a time I might have tried to be. But not any more.
It is odd to interact with someone who thinks I need to be someone other than who I am. It shows less than acceptance of me. It also shows a lack of respect for who I am. I know they are just trying to be helpful. I know it is with the best of intentions, but it doesn't help. Not in the least. It is the freaking last thing I need to be hearing - and the last thing anyone likely should hear, either.
It was also nothing like I expected. We hadn't spoken in quite some time, and I knew it was probably for the best. But what I didn't realize was how far apart we had become. I wasn't even sure I liked the person standing in front of me. And this was a person that I once loved. I still love them - at the core - and I loved them for who they once were - but I don't know who they are now to be able to say I love them now.
It was very weird. Beyond weird. And I don't really know what to do with it.
And as I was watching my cousins interact and saw the closeness of their family, and how amazing their relationship was with their mom, I was reminded how much my family has issues and how I don't exactly have a stellar relationship with my own mom - as I barely even have one.
**
It is now the next day. I am a bit calmer, and still pretty tired. I am spending a lot of time alone today. I am thinking it may be a good thing and what I need, but I don't really know for sure. My sister and family were outside cleaning earlier, and I thought about helping, but I am not sure that I had energy to give. So I didn't. Hopefully they understand. If it wasn't for how I was doing, and what has been going on, I most assuredly would have helped.
Being around my family makes me wonder if I should be around them more. I just don't know where I would do that. It is expensive to live around here. They all seem to be doing well. And I am not. Yet another reason why I feel so out of place in relation to them.
It leaves me with such mixed feelings.
**
I have taken a few pics in the last few days, and I am going to share some of theme with you. To start will be a few of my aunt on what I could only imagine was one of her happiest days. The pics are with her husband and my grandparents. All of whom are quite special to me. They're not the best, as they were pictures of pictures taken with my ipad, but it works.
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