I Can't Take This Sh*t!

A few minutes ago I was dealing with my internet-based
phone. I hate that phone line, but I have kept it because
it is cheaper than a Verizon land line.

Money-wise it is cheaper. But it costs me in other ways.
It, unlike a regular - old-fashioned - line needs troubleshooting.

My friend was looking at it for me, and asked for the directions
for the device. There was a place I used to keep them. It wasn't
there. I looked around at the mess that is in that area, and at one
point I told him to just forget it. I said, "I can't take this shit,"
and I started crying.

My friend at some point said, "that gonna help, either." I think
he was referring to the crying. No shit, Sherlock.

But it is not like I decided to cry. It is not like I chose to cry.
I cried - and still am - because I am so freaking overwhelmed.
I am exhausted. I am stressed. My blood pressure was sky high
when I saw the doctor the other day.

People are telling me to get support. I don't need people to talk
to, I need tangible HELP. And yet there is nothing I know to tell
anyone to do for me that doesn't somehow involve me any way.
Unless it is to help me find ways to make money. I need money.
The stress I feel comes from the threat of running out of money
and getting swallowed up by a gaping (and now increasing) debt
hole.

I need to find ways to stop feeling so pressured. But I don't know
how. I am in survival mode. SURVIVAL.

I don't think there is much you can do about anything when
you are in this mode - except survive.

I can't deal with anything. As evidenced by something seemingly
small had me fall apart just now.

So easy for someone outside of this to see things in a way that
says "it's no big deal." So easy for someone outside of this to
know what the answers are or how to fix things.

Well...you know what? It makes me just want to run myself
into the ground. I know. It makes no sense. And I really don't
want to run myself into the ground.

But the thing is, I have no shortage of things to do/try. And I
have to keep going. I have to keep trying. It makes me want
to work all day and keep pushing.

But I know I can't.

But I just don't know what to do, and as helpful as anyone thinks
s/he could be, this is not something anyone can help me with.
Telling me to take care of myself doesn't help. Telling me to get
rest doesn't help. It is like telling someone who can't eat for some
reason, "Eat. It will make you feel better."

I realize it isn't quite the same. But the essence is there. You can't
tell me to do something I do not feel able to do for some reason.
It only makes things worse. It only aggravates me more. It is only
one more damn thing for me to deal with.

I have obviously not been doing such a good job of handling
things. But then again, I am handling wayyyy too much. It is no
wonder I am not handling things well.

On top of everything else, I got a $16,000 bill yesterday, and I
now have to see if I can get the support I need to cover it. One
more thing to deal with.

I tried to tell the doctor about the stress I was feeling. About how
this side of things is. Her response was to ask me if I was going
to a support group. What good is that going to do me? It will be
one more thing for me to do. I already have enough.

It doesn't help that people don't understand what I am dealing
with, but even someone who can understand can't change anything.
This is still my life right now. These are still my issues and my
concerns. Plus people have a way of always trying to fix things.
I don't have it in me to deal with yet another person trying to
offer me a fix.

I don't know how this sounds. But you know what? Oddly enough,
I really don't care. This is not about you and any discomfort you
may have. It is about ME. ME. ME.

It is about where I am at this moment. It is about my feelings.
My emotions. My overwhelm. And, yes, I realize it is best not to
clam them as "mine." But in the midst of your greatest upsets, you
probably don't appreciate those well-intentioned tidbits - and neither
do I.

I am having a moment.
It will pass.
But it freaking sucks
while it is here.

Want to help? Help me get business. Help me find money/get
donations. Help me do more than "just" survive. That is what I
need more than anything right now. Anything else, as well-intentioned
as it may be is not likely to be as helpful as you might imagine it
would be.

I am sorry if the tone of this sucks for you.
Imagine how it is for ME.