Everyone Told Me...

Everyone told me to apply for Food Stamps.
I didn't want to do it, but I did.

Now I think I am sorry I did.

I got a series of letters from them today.
Basically I was approved for two months,
but did not receive anything that allows
me to spend the money.

I am not sure if I should have, as they tell
me in one of the letters that I need to reapply
as I did not respond to their correspondence.

What correspondence? I didn't receive
anything until today.

So then I read that for the approximate
$200 they'll give me a month, I have to
apply for work, do their work program, and
accept any work offered me.

I also read that if my income goes over (I
think) $1,000, I need to let my case manager
know.

I don't know if donations count. I also don't
know if the money that is gifted me for things
counts. As far as I am concerned, it shouldn't,
but I don't know what the State of Maryland
will say.

I now have added complications and things
to deal with. This is so not a good night.

I have had stress in regard to A. I left my
filter water bottle behind at a meeting tonight,
maybe never again to be seen. I have to get
ready for the Expo on Saturday, my talk on
Sunday, and the state has scheduled me for an
appointment 8:30 Monday morning. And I
best keep my appointments if I want their
generous help.

Well...

Tomorrow I am going to have to make time to
call them and ask some important questions.
If they do not allow self employed people to
stay self employed, I will not be pursuing this
any further.

I do not have the energy to be applying for jobs.
I do not have the energy to be working any jobs.
I do not have the desire to be working for no
money in a job that will take what little energy
I have.

I should have listened to my own inner gut. I
shouldn't have listened to anyone. But I wanted
people who might consider helping to feel like
I was doing all that I could for myself.

Well. Sorry. This looks like it will not be an
option. I know you may think it somehow a
good idea to make some money vs no money.

In general principle, I might agree with you.

But this is not your usual situation. And if I went
off and got a job everything else - everything -
would have to go by the wayside. And I am
working way too hard to make something happen.

I am not willing to give that up, not for a job making
no money. I am not willing to take energy I don't have
to start looking for a freaking job. That will take away
any energy I have to make money at what I am pursuing.

I can't do it.

I just can't.