If you don't like me...do you like yourself?

Today I was speaking with someone I have known for several years. While we have known each other, there have been many times there has been no communication. It is a person that I have cared deeply about and the situation I found myself in was very painful. It was also a situation that could have been avoided - if I had listened to other people.

But the thing is...I am glad that I didn't. Of course I could have done without the pain, but what I came away with was something that couldn't have been if I hadn't been immersed in it the way that I was. If I had listened to others I would have missed a lot more than just the pain. A lot of good stuff, and things I have learned about myself.

I told that person that we met at a changing point for me in my life and that they were a piece of it, not the cause or contributor to it. It is how I became that allowed me to flow with things the way I did. Some, I am certain, would say that it wasn't necessarily a good thing. And while they may have a point in their perspectives, I am not certain that they would be right.

We can think we know something...but when it comes to another, I suspect we don't really know much at all. The person who so arrogantly, confidently told me I should change, doesn't seem to know who I really am, and even if they think they know, it is through a filter that is in some way makes things uncomfortable to view. I can understand it. I can appreciate it.

But in the end, conformity ain't gonna help me. It ain't comfortable, either. And going backward isn't going to help. Yet another lesson in perspective was given to me in the last couple of days. It has sucked. But I am grateful for the awareness. I am grateful for the understanding. And I am grateful to be able to share what I experienced.

When my time comes to leave this life, I am going to go knowing I gave it all I got and that I didn't hold back a part of myself because someone else thought it for the best. I am glad that I made it this far for several reasons, not the least of which is what I feel knowing that I have been better able to express myself than I ever was. Had I died last year, much of my "song" would have died with me. So much would have been left unexplored, unsaid.

It is sad to me that someone I hold dear doesn't seem to think much of me, but I realize it is more about them than it is about me. And while I am not too happy about it, I get it. And maybe it is time to move on, or maybe one day the tide will change and go in a direction that is more conducive for a relationship. Ironically, I think we have something we could connect on, if it wasn't for the fact that the thing we connected on was seen as a bad thing.

Maybe if I changed then they wouldn't have to see the part of themselves they're uncomfortable with any more. Maybe that is what those who want us to change want. Maybe the thing that bothers us the most about them is what we have a discomfort about for ourselves, and if the other person changes, we no longer have to face, or interact with, it.

I don't know about you, but I think it is an interesting thought to consider. After all, we are so good at trying to fix others and the situations that pain them to get out of our own discomfort. It really does make some sort of sense to me.