All I Can Ever Ask

I have been sleeping a lot. The Vicoden has a tendency to knock me out. As opposed to not being able to sleep, I suppose it is in some, odd way preferable.

But the thing is...it is disorienting. I don't really know what time of day it is, other than when I look, but even then I might be surprised to see it is nine in the morning, but it feels like afternoon. 

This isn't just an occasional thing; this becoming the all too normal norm.  

On top of it all, I am taking Vicoden every 4 hours, or so. Oddly, if I fall asleep, I wind up waking up at just about that 4 hour mark. There are times before that mark I am uncomfortable, but I try to stretch it a bit, without winding up in the deep end of pain.

Tonight I would have loved chicken fingers for dinner. But I have run out. There are other things I have run out of, too, and really should get to the store. Being back on chemo is around the corner, and it will be good to have some pre-made food. 

It all sounds good, but making it happen - well, that will be the trick.

In between everything, I keep trying to tell   myself it will be ok. That I will be ok. It is not an easy conversation I have with myself. While Vicoden is helping with the pain, it is causing other issues, and I am concerned about it being paired with chemo.

A part of me, I think, is in denial. It is about the only way I think I can get through this right now. Even writing this, and admitting to it, is making me emotional.

At least, though, I had set out to raise $500 to try an alternative type of treatment that I will do in conjuction with chemo, and thankfully, the funds for this month were raised. I will need to do it two more months, at least, and am not looking forward to asking, but did see how asking gave me something I had all but given up on. So I will need to find whatever it takes in me to extend myself again closer to the time I will need it.

There are moments I am just so incredibly appreciative of those who step-up. It means so much to me when so many - the majority - just get silent. 

I am so grateful for these step-up people. I could never have made it this far without them. 

At the same time, I am terrified. I need help more than ever because I can't do as much as I was doing. If silence is golden in my times of need, what is going to happen if I get to a point that I can't take care of myself?

It is really hard to convey my situation, if I do not choose to speak of it certain ways. But it truly could be getting to a point of life and death, and that is why the alternative I mentioned above is so crucial. 

Will it save me? Who knows? But I have to at least try. But if things deteriorate, I am just not sure how much trying I will be willing to do. The pain more than sucks. Why I have the pain in the first place sucks even more.

It is very difficult to not be terrified in the midst of terror. I guess that is partly why I am writing what I am, in the hope that I can deal with it, release it...something, anything - other than letting it do what it has been doing - other than trying to bury it.

It really sucks that pretty much every freaking thing I do requires thought, and maybe even a bit of planning. Things you take for granted when healthy, become like a boulder to get around, over, or to be carried. Even standing up and walking often has to be contemplated.

Not sure why I am bothering to tell you these things. I suspect there is a diligent part of myself that really hopes that somewhere along the line people will have an "a-ha!" and suddenly I will be flooded with empathy and tangible help, instead of the words that mean nothing that so many offer that they somehow think help. 

I keep thinking somehow they have to know that posting some damn meme on Facebook about cancer often doesn't do a damn thing for someone dealing with it. But to admit it might mean having to admit to being helpless, or not knowing what to do, so it might be unlikely to be seen for the mostly ineffective thing it is.

Believe me, though, if you truly want to be a help, and not feel helpless, there are likely to be some tangible things you could do, if you just ask the person what s/he wants/needs. It may take more than a few strokes on a device, but will likely be infinitely more appreciated than a graphic or a few generic words.

In raising $500, one person alone asked 3 different people who did not know me if they'd help to the tune of $50 each. Her personal request got results. 

I know others have asked, only to be told no, or shot down. So I know it is no simple matter. I also know complete strangers have given me more than many who know me longer, better - many of which have given nothing. Nothing. Despite requests for even just $1.

I realize there are complex dynamics in situations like these, but really, they should be quite simple: a person needs help: help them. Of course, you may mot be able to do it every time, with every person, but I'd be willing to bet most people can do more than they do - especially if they're doing nothing. And it doesn't have to be a grand event. It might just be something small - but to the person in need it might just mean everything.

My current requests might just mean the difference between life and death, and I'd say that you can be more significant to a person than you may realize.

To those who have helped in any way, please know I thank you. I value any offering of any size. I think nothing less of a person who gives me $1 than a person who gives $100. I also do not think less of anyone who chooses to remain silent in regard to me/my situation/my requests. They have their reasons, just in the same way that someone who gives has theirs.

I feel the need to say this, as I am afraid I may in some way offend someone, or come off wrong in what I have said. As I acknowledged, things like this are complex, and I only say, and share, the stuff I do as perspective on a topic that is rarely ever addressed.

If you are doing what you can/the best you can - in relation to anyone - that is all I can ever ask.

Ps If you want to help me get a jumpstart on next month, you can at Heartsgiving.com  Thank you.

I miss "normal"

It's 4:44 am. I have been awake about 20 minutes. It has been a restless night. I was dreaming about having a "normal" head. What that means, exactly, I am not sure, but in the dream, I was feeling as "normal" as I might have years ago.

It has me thinking about the life I took for granted. The sunrises and sunsets I did not fully appreciate as I made my way to and from work. It has me thinking about the "busy-ness" of my life, having to think about what I would do for lunch, where I might stop for breakfast, the anxiety of potentially being late for work. It has me thinking about late Friday nights that led to Saturday morning sleep ins. It has me think about how wonderful it was to be paid. It has me think about the few times I got really sick and wound up on my butt, and how wonderful it was to feel better, although I never probably fully appreciated the "getting better" part.  

I am so tired of feeling sick. I am so tired of being tired. I woke up to discomfort, and the results of using MOM last night. I went from not going to the other extreme. 

I think I feel better now, but it's hard to tell. I took some more Vicodin. Vicodin has been my friend around the clock since it showed up, and is likely the reason for having to use MOM.

I saw people annoyed last night that they could not see the moon because of clouds. It must be nicer than they realize to be annoyed at something like that. 

People dealing with life and death issues were less likely to be among the annoyed. In my case, I looked, couldn't see it, and shrugged. There were other things to focus on/concern myself with. 

It might seem that I am judging them, but it is more that I am sharing a perspective. When you are caught up in living life a certain way, you don't always recognize the good stuff, and it is all too easy to complain about stuff not worth the effort.  

I miss having other things to focus on beside pain, going to the doctor/treatment, supplements/pills, going to bathroom, drinking enough, how I am going to eat, and sleeping.

A dream

I had a dream last night. My grandmother, who has been dead for years, was alive, but in a coma-like state, dying. My sister was sitting with her until I got there, and she left because "tomorrow is going to be a long day." The  implication was that my grandmother was going to die the next day.

When she left, my grandmother seemed to "wake up." It  it appeared to be a miracle. I had heard of people perking up before dying, and hoped that this was not that.

I was so happy she was alive.

I had other dreams, too, that I can't quite remember...just bits and bobs work their way through my consciousness.

My First Time Using a Trimmer

I got tired of my Heat Miser hair. For the first time ever, I used a trimmer. This was the result. You can't really tell, but there are many thinned areas on my head, so I won't be out in public like this for a while. The new chemo apparently doesn't have the hair loss side effect, so I guess my hair will grow back.

I look happier in this picture than I actually feel. It has been quite a day, and I have taken my first Vicoden. Oh. What. Fun. I was concerned about masking the pain, but apparently, if what I take stops working, that is the way the docs know things got worse. Lovely, ain't it?

My plan is to take as little as possible, as infrequently as possible. Just knowing I have it, though, I have to hope is a good thing. Other times I will be trying to use Ibuprofen, and hopefully that will help, too.

(For anyone who doesn't know...this is Heat Miser)

Going Through Stuff...

I am in pain. And not just physical. I wrote a letter to my mother last night that I will never send. 

There were moments I was acutely aware of irony as well as my lack of empathy and compassion. But I just did not give a fuck.

I allowed whatever came out, and a lot of it really surprised, even shocked, me. I had no idea of the crap that was inside of me after all of the years trying to moderate and cope with the issues that have arisen in relation to my mother and my life.

Our relationship has never been an easy one. Even times things seemed better were only preludes to my feeling worse. I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that things were never fully healed, maybe only partially, or at times the numbing strength was stronger.

I don't really know. It just seems to be the largest onion ever. 

I have wondered how much of this cancer dance has to do with my mother, and family. Much of my physical pain is near my belly button. Every time I consider her, the pain intensifies, and it is not limited to just her, either.

I am not sure about this cause and effect thing, but I am not sure I can discount it, either.

I am feeling emotional, angry...sad. Someone on Facebook spoke of an exercise in which they wrote a letter to someone, and then turned it around, writing their response.

I did not want to consider my mom's response. In my anger, she did not deserve a voice. She did not deserve compassion, understanding, empathy. She deserved nothing.

I also did not want to take away from what I was feeling by going to "her side." I have already done that too much, at the cost of not recognizing my own feelings.

I will not linger in this crap, and I will not re-bury it. It needs to be let go, and I will do just that, when the time is right.

A part of me wants to scream, "I fucking hate you..." and a lot more. I want to share it, but am acutely aware how public this post is. There is a reason I am not sending her that letter. I have felt a lot of ugly stuff. Heavy, dark stuff.

Stuff that is likely more about me than it is about her. She doesn't need to have written confirmation of how I feel. 

I have often told people I know how they feel about me, and they don't need words to confirm. Even though I wasn't conscious of this stuff, I wonder if she could feel my anger and disdain. It is apparent to me now that I apparently do not think much of my mother - at least when coming from the place the letter was written.

I am grateful that this stuff has come forward. I just wish it hadn't taken so long to get here. I wish I had a punching bag to beat the crap out of right now.

I share this to share my process, and what is going on with me. I am in awe of the flood of emotion that came pouring forth. I do not share this to have anyone give me her side, or have anyone try to fix me/things. If you are inclined that way, thank you, but please don't. I will get there when I get there.

I hate even saying this stuff, but if I don't, I think there is a good chance unsolicited, unwanted comments will show up, and I am just not "there" at the moment. 

People often think public sharing is an invitation for their opinion/input. Probably it's at least in part because we have people looking to "engage the readers." Articles and blogs often end with, "What do you think? Let us know."

Then there are those who see problems as things to fix. Why else would someone share their problem? And those who see fixing a problem as loving another.

It can be good stuff, but most likely it will do its best work when it is welcome. In this world, it often seems that the default is perceived to be "welcome." Maybe for some that works.

As for me, most of the time unsolicited help is not wanted, and often anything less than helpful.

Harsh words, perhaps. No one is supposed to say these things, even if they are "true." It just comes off bitchy and ungrateful and other delightful things.

Well. I am not meaning to be harsh. Just wanting to be clear that I am only sharing, and not looking for help. There is a big difference, and it would be great if we could be clear with each other, honest with each other, and not have it be looked at in a negative way.

Am I being defensive? Perhaps. But I also feel like I need to be right now. But I also think this is a conversation that is often so much easier to avoid. 

My guess is, though, that many more people would speak up and out if they felt it safe to do so. Unsolicited stuff often makes the idea feel most unsafe.

I Noticed Something...

WARNING: This post may be TMI for some. I recommend you only proceed  with an open mind. 

I noticed something about when I feel pain. If I can bring myself to an erotic place, and especially if I orgasm, the pain I feel is greatly minimized.

I figured it must have something to do with the hormones in one's body at times like that. Upon investigation, apparently it is a "known" thing, and has a lot to do with endorphins.

(I found this while looking https://www.sharecare.com/health/sex-orgasm/how-orgasm-help-relieve-pain)

It is a paradoxical place to be, feeling awful, and seeking pleasure. It certainly takes focus and concentration, as the pain is wanting to be known. But it can so be worth the effort.

It's too bad I can't walk around in a constant state of arousal :p Having said that, though, I can't help but wonder how this knowledge could be put to better use. It would seem to be a better/safer choice than many drugs.

I recently got a prescription for Vicoden, and to say I am less than thrilled is an understatement. But the pain has been more than I can deal with way too often. It can't do my body good to be almost constantly hurting.

Thank goodness the endorphins, and how they bring the closest thing to peace I get these days.  

Those we speak of

I just saw something that tells of criticism of Tracy Morgan for not being in touch with the family of a close friend who died in an accident he was in. The criticism extended to Tracy also not mentioning the friend, or his family, at the Emmys.

I have no idea why things have been the way they are, but I can't help but wonder, if Tracy was as close to the person as it seems/sounds, how difficult it must be to process his death - on top of every other traumatic thing he has had to deal with.

We all think our opinions and pains and perspectives are warranted. But when we judge another without knowing the depth of their experience, I suspect there is a good chance we may be dealing more with our own selves than those we speak of.

Eggs and Orange Juice

In the world of comfort foods, the combination of eggs and orange juice does something for me. I would almost include toast, but I rarely ever eat just plain white bread any more, toasted or not. Although just thinking of it is sounding better than I might have thought it would.

I am not sure why that is, exactly. Maybe because growing up more often than not I ate cereal, and eggs and toast were special occasion or for the weekend. 

Maybe I somehow felt special. I do not really know. It is just one of those things apparently.

So why am I talking about this at two in the morning? I just made myself an egg, and complemented it with orange juice.

I do not like eating at this time of night, but my stomach was not happy, and after what happened earlier, sleep has been a slightly scary proposition. I am fairly wide awake.

Probably not a great thing that I am laying in a dark room lit by a phone screen. Well. At least it complements the food that I just ate at a not great hour.

Chicken Fingers & Jesus

I was in tears earlier. This has not been a good day physically. I posted something on Facebook, took something for the pain, and went to sleep. 

When I woke up I was doing better. So much so, I made these Chicken Fingers. Energy-wise it took pretty much all I had, but I was grateful I had it. They turned out rather yummy actually. If I can get around to publishing an update for my recipes, I think I'll need to include the one for these. 

They were perfect with homemade Honey Mustard Dressing (so easy to make). And now I have some in the freezer for another couple of meals.

The way I felt earlier today makes it very hard to want to keep going. It felt, I felt, helpless.

When I get to a different place, it is amazing how different it can feel. Compared to before, it is a big difference.

I question how it is that things "work," but it seems like such a futile exercise.

We want to know how things work, so we can make them work, but I just don't know it works that way. I Googled, "how did Jesus heal?" and I did not get a straight forward answer. 

The fact is, though, if you believe in Jesus, you know he DID heal. You know he also overcame death. Does it really matter HOW it happened, or just that it did?

At the times I am suffering, I would love to know the how. I would love the suffering to stop. Pain is greedy for attention. In pain, there is nothing else. It can be blinding.

I could deal with discomfort a lot better than I can deal with pain. 

Whenever you are aware of me, please see me without tumors, without cancer, without pain. See me living - and enjoying - life. I realize the reality I share doesn't look like that at the moment, but I can - you can - always hope for a healing shift.

My newest thing? I keep telling myself, "My body is always healing itself." I figure this is a good thing to think, as it requires no particular state to start from. A healthy person can tell themselves the same words, and it "fits."

So, if you will, imagine my body always healing itself. 

Thanks.

I was scared...

I was scared I was going to die at the hands of something I was handling.

I was dreaming, only asleep about an hour. In the dream I was handed something that did not seem so scary at first, but was then told that they were dangerous. It was as if they'd explode. 

I LITERALLY took off running. Out of bed, down the steps, into the kitchen. I was at least half asleep, terrified, and don't know where I was going. I just had to get away. Thankfully I was wearing something, and did not run outside.

My heart was pounding. I couldn't catch my breath. I woke my friend up. He asked what happened. It was hard to explain. Everything was OK, at least kinda.

Hard to wake up and be clear about "reality." 

What a metaphor. What a "reality."

Not sure about going to sleep now. Thank goodness I did not hurt myself. 

Last Night...

I dreamt Donald Trump was fading away. 

I awoke to hearing this morning he did not do so well in the debate?

Will be curious to see what happens. Even more curious was that, if I remember right, he seemed to be choosing to back away...or at least, seemed OK with what was happening.

Something to Think About?

Did someone ever do something in relation to you that you found annoying even though...at some time, or another, you were likely just as guilty of doing something similar? And, further, you recognized this inconvenient fact, but we're still annoyed?

If so, you know a bit about how I am feeling at the moment.

It is all too easy at times to be caught up in one's own stuff to be aware that someone, over there, is going through their own stuff. In general, it happens. But I think the times I find it most annoying is when someone comes at me in a "business" kind of way. 

These days I am not thinking about business stuff, of anyone's. Many days I am tired, and in pain. It is hard to think of anyone/anything. I have often been one to try to help others, but this is where I get torn. If I can't think about your "business" stuff, then perhaps that can also translate to I can't think about "you." That sounds uncomfortably selfish and self-centered.

But it's not like I don't think of others, at all. I also think about the instructions for oxygen maskuse on a plane. A person who will be helping another needs to help themselves first. We can't necessarily help another, if we don't help ourselves first. And yet, many times a focus on ourselves is labelled selfish.

Selfish. In a bad way. Rarely is selfish ever considered a "good" thing.

At the same time I am asking for support, I am contracting. I am pulling away. I am not actively engaged in the things of others. I have even considered unliking a number of Facebook pages I liked just to be nice and supportive to cut down on the "noise," at least for now.

I feel like much of external life is a distraction. I can't help but wonder if I am supposed to be focusing on me more. I can't help but wonder if my focus on others has taken me away from me. This is not to say I believe that this is how my life should have been, or should be, but rather to question how much the focus on others may have been a distraction technique.

Have you ever noticed how a lot of stuff that has you look at you, has you look at you through a business, or other person, context? What would it be to focus on you, for you? Probably pretty uncomfortable. It can be uncomfortable even in the "other" contexts.

Is it possible to know who you are without a context, or a reflection? So much of who I have come to acknowledge myself to be has come through experiences and interactions with others. What they said or did had me step back and consider stuff. This reflection then resulted in a deeper understanding of myself, and where I stood, and wanted to stand.

Could I have figured these things out without it? I am not sure. You don't often realize something until something (someone) says, "hey, look!" Without things that have happened in my life, I may not have ever recognized the times I did something that was unenlightened or came from fear, or was based on a misunderstanding.

Sometimes it takes someone or something outside of us to show us our blind spots. Recently someone told me that I DO have the right to hate my mother. That is such a strong, powerful statement. Who would ever say that?! She also took it a step further by telling me I could choose to release her from my anger and hatred. That would allow there to be no judgment on either side.  

To say these things puts me off balance. Becoming conscious of things is rarely easy. Often they're at odds with what we've been told "should be." I have a better shot at a "should be" with my mom this way than trying to force it in some way. It is likely why I am so at odds with myself about her, and have been, most of my life. I was trying to "force" it with no "real" foundation to build upon. That is probably why times things seemed to improve, the wheels just fell off.

I will leave you with something to consider. Before you put on your business hat and make an unsolicited call, before you send out your unsolicited form business letter, try to find out what may be going on with a person. Before you offer a sales pitch of a product or company as their solution, consider you might be one of more than way too many. 

Most people dealing with an illness do not appreciate feeling like a walking target. The approach, while likely well-intended, is often not as well received as you may like. I have gone to networking meetings offering a service for others dealing with cancer. What I get back is often those who want to interact with me not because of what I have to offer, but because they hear "cancer" and figure I can become a customer, and use what they got. It has been disheartening.

It is also difficult to receive those unsolicited calls and emails. I am never sure how to respond, and I have started not to. Since they obviously have no clue what is going on with me, I am guessing they'll never notice what I do/don't do. It is not the way I prefer to do things, but these days it just feels like there are times I need to come before being polite for polite's sake.

Not wanted

A few years ago, several really, I sat down and wound up writing what I think mother felt when she was pregnant with me. While there will be those who will be dubious about how accurate it might have been, there would be others who would likely be more willing to give it credence, as there are those who believe a baby is aware.

What I wrote was full of pain and anguish. I felt she was even angry, and that she did not want me. Since I have spent my life trying to disappear and hide, somehow it would not surprise me if what I got was accurate. I certainly have not felt wanted by many in my life. My grandmother is one I likely felt that way with, but given the litany of concerns she had, and that we had as a family, I know I had an underlying current of worry that I was making things harder on her, and that maybe she'd be better off without me.

I am not sure, as I think about this, that I have ever felt "safely" loved and wanted. Even if something hinted at it, I think I have been insecure in what I felt. To make matters worse, there have been times I somewhat took a leap, only to have the rug pulled out from under me.

Yesterday someone said I do not use the "L" word freely. It is like it really means something to me. When I say it, it would seem it really means something, and I really mean it. I never really thought about it, but that makes sense to me. Why give love to someone who may not really want me, to someone who can just get up and walk away - like so many have done?

My mother walked away. She was told that living with my grandparents would be good for me. She listened. If she felt the way I think she did about me, my guess is that that wasn't too hard to do. I could, of course, be making this all up. However, I'd say there are pieces that ring true, even if the whole isn't all that accurate.

How does one deal with feeling unwanted, and therefore unloved? How does one heal the pain? 

People tell me they love me, and it is uncomfortable for me. Those who were "supposed" to love me weren't present. Unconsciously it might seem that a person who loves me leaves me - or was never really there in the first place. 

For me, another saying they love me often gives me a sense of uncertainty. When are they going to leave? This is not something I really ever thought about until now. But I suspect there is some truth to it.

Often being the "odd" one, or the outsider hasn't helped me to feel all that welcome in the lives of others, much less their hearts. The pieces seem to come together so incredibly well. What is in that that I am supposed to get? I suspect it may be more obvious to an observer than it is to me.

All these thoughts are bubbling up, as I have been having pain quite close to my belly button. I suspect there is a connection between the two. Life came through that place. When I think about being in the womb, it is not a welcoming place. It feels dark, and unsafe. And if my first relationship and "home" did not feel safe, or make me feel welcome, is it no wonder many others do not, either?

I truly feel like I have been walking around on pins and needles most of my life. I have been uncomfortable in my skin because I have never felt good enough. If I had been "good enough" I would not have been such an outsider. Something was apparently wrong with me since I was picked on, and never seemed to fit in. I was present in the world, but it never really seemed that many around me wanted me to be a part of their world.

This isn't absolute stuff. But it has been a big theme of my life. It has been the source of a lot of pain and sadness in my life. Besides crying, I am not sure what to do with all of this at the moment. I am guessing there is something to be done. There is such great pain in my body. Great pain regarding the source of my life, and my life itself. Maybe this is why I have been feeling angry at my mother?

I know ultimately this is a good thing...but as for right now...

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Field of Possibilities

There is a video with Greg Braden that I have referenced before. In it, Greg show a video of a woman dealing with a cancerous tumor. In the video, through an ultrasound image, you watch the tumor disappear - in 3 minutes.

I was watching that video, and YouTube brought up another one that I am really glad I watched. For one, Greg tells his audience what the Chinese words spoken mean: "already done" and "now." He speaks of how the practitioners do not deny cancer. Instead they accept it as a possibility, as there is a large field of possibilities, of which cancer is one. They accept it, and they also choose to create a different possibility in their acceptance that the woman is already healed "already done...now."

It meant a lot to me to hear this conversation, as it is one I can align with. Greg says they don't label the cancer as bad, or even tell it it has to go away. Instead they choose a different focus.

When I hear people try to tell me to deny cancer, it never really works for me. Neither does the push to "focus on the positive," as it often feels like it not only rings hollow, but it is just another way of trying to tell me to ignore cancer. Is that what they're doing? I don't really know, but it is how it feels it comes across, and how I often have taken it, and reacted accordingly.

I think in my least negatively emotional moments is my best chance to be in an "already done" space because it is less likely to feel like a denial of what is. At the same time, a negatively emotional moment could also be like a choice in the Field of Possibilities. Maybe the idea of acknowledging what "is so" and then choosing something else is the key. In that way, all bases are covered. I can acknowledge where I am, and also acknowledge that I choose a different possibility.

As you can tell, I am working this stuff out. A part of me still kind of takes issue with the idea that THIS is THE way. If you don't do it right, then you don't get it, and somehow that just doesn't feel right to me. But even if it is not THE way, maybe in the Field of Possibilities it is ONE way for healing and miracles to happen.

I just have to figure out how to get the feeling of "already done" in the midst of the pain I feel. Those two things are at odds with each other. Maybe it means taking something for the pain so it stops speaking as loudly as it does.

Although the other day I talked to the pain, and it talked back. Numbing the pain of something that feels it needs to be heard may not be the most ideal route to take. Can I be "already done" if there is stuff I need to deal with? How do I deal with that aspect of things? Maybe I can be "already done" with tumors and cancer, and find other routes to dealing with the things I need to deal with. If there is a Field of Possibilities, I do not see why that could not be one.

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Damn Illusion.

Today's illusion tells me I am not feeling well. Today's illusion has me frustrated with how my brain seems to be blipping. I left water running yesterday, and this morning left milk out.

These illusions feel very real, and are in striking contrast to what I have been working on creating. 

Last night I dreamt that I embarrassed myself by something I could not control, and had lost my job (2 unrelated things that happened about the same time). I think I was where I had worked, and I just started to breakdown crying. It became deep sobs, as I crumbled to the ground. There were people around, but no one came up to me. No one said anything. I was left alone to fall apart.

Interesting dream.

My awake illusion says I feel crappy. I also need to go out and replace the milk, but only after I shower, and pull myself together. The illusion says I am tired and feel weak and that bed is where I'd rather be.

Damn illusion.

Illusion and Reality

Staying off Facebook has kind of ended. I have been posting since my recent doc visit. I really have wanted to stay away, but at the moment, so much love floweth from/through there. I have been touched by several people's posts.

This morning I posted the following. Not sure why I did not just post this here, especially given its length, but it felt like the thing to do. So I did it.

***

Dis-ease is said to be an illusion. I can believe that. After all, the idea that anything is solid is also an illusion. The illusion of solid, though, is often perceived - and experienced as - reality. Does that make "reality" only something that is perceived as real? I have said I will not deny my reality. Perhaps what I should say is that I will not deny that i am experiencing certain things that seem awfully real. They seem as "solid" as the bed I am in, and as solid as the device I am communicating with. But their perceived structure can be disproven. It can happen. It does happen. Still have questions about things. Told someone last night that I believe there are things we do not fully understand, therefore we only embrace what we think we know. I have to believe my questioning is a good thing, and is never a hindrance to my progress as a human, or as a soul. I wrote yesterday about unconditional love of a parent, regardless of circumstances. I have to believe there is love, understanding, appreciation at all times in all ways - regardless of whether I get to stay in this body much longer, or not. I also have to believe if I am "meant" to be here, nothing I say or do - or don't say or do - will get in the way of that happening. I say these things for myself, but also for anyone else they make speak to. There are so many different perceptions and beliefs that people have. I know there will be those who will see things quite differently. It would seem there must be some purpose for this disparity. Life is made up of disparities. There are so many that are opposing absolutes. How is that possible? Only with the denial of anything that doesn't fit the perspective claimed. Someone can just as easily deny our beliefs and reality, as they can ours. I have gotten angry when my "reality" has been denied. I think that happens for most. Does it matter if it is "real" or not, if it feels real? Maybe it isn't so much that we are meant to deny anything, but perhaps we are meant to find whichever truths we can in the midst of the painful stuff. What those truths may be may also vary. But I am working on learning to be more aware of my energies, and more open to love, and a life without an experience of dis-ease. It already exists. The question in my mind is what purpose does this experience serve? I do believe it showed up for a reason. If nothing else, I got to know me in a way I never knew existed. I also got to "meet" some great people as a result. There is so much good that has come, and I am grateful for. I have been in pain and frustrated and angry, and a bunch of stuff, but I am grateful for what the experience of cancer has brought me and my experience of life.

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I Believe in Miracles...

I am feeling the need to remind myself that I believe in miracles, and that I believe *I* can have one.

They DO happen, and *I* am a recipient.

I just called 800-pray-now. They are available 24/7. I have called 3 times in the last few days. Each time it has been a slightly different reason/feeling I have called for. 

This last time I was starting to cry when I called, and now I am feeling more peaceful. 

I know I have said "if" there is a God, and some may question my belief in one. But, question, or not, I believe in the power of good thoughts and another's support. Plus just because I question, it does not mean I haven't left myself open to something greater than myself.

"If" there is a God, I have to believe S/He understands wherever one may be on their journey, and will never hold it against them - if it doesn't look a certain way. A parent will support their child, even if the child does his, or her, own thing, even if they get into a jam, even through disappointments, even with differing perspectives and opinions.

"If" there is a God, God's love, I have been told, is unconditional. Well. Unconditional means love and understanding and support without the relationship having to be one certain way.

I am not sure healing only comes through life. However, my ego certainly prefers that option at the moment. 

I believe in miracles. I believe I can have one. I believe I am a miracle - a walking, talking, breathing miracle. I believe in love and its power. I feel love. I feel loved.

Which Path?

If there was truly ONE answer, ONE path that ALWAYS worked, you'd think we'd know it by now.

And if there is no such thing...how does one know which path to choose?

My guess? It's the one with the most signs pointing a certain direction. But, the thing is, just because one is meant to go a certain direction does not mean it is a Path of Solution. Maybe in some cases, our path is a different one.

The best we can do is what feels "right," and hope that it is in some way right.

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A Pause?

Have you ever been in a busy place with a lot of people walking? Odds are, most people have been at some point or another. If that place is somewhere where people are rushing, it is a ripe situation for people running into each other. 

If a person is without luggage, s/he may be able to navigate more easily to stay out of trouble. But with luggage, it becomes a trickier situation.

What I have discovered works best for me when someone is coming at me and I am not sure which way they're going is to just stop. I just pause for a moment, and the other person can choose which side of me to go on without the risk of me heading that same way.

(Interestingly when I do that many people apologize to me. Not sure what the apology is for, though.)

My pause is a self-protective action. I don't want to run into anyone. To me, it just makes sense, rather than just plowing through.

As I thought about this recently, it made me think about life in general. Maybe the same approach works when there are many things that seem to come at us. Maybe there are times it is best to just pause before going any further instead of just plowing through.

And the more "luggage" we have, the more it might be a better idea to stop. The more we carry, the more likely we are to have an incident with another.

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What I Need

So. Yesterday I found out the chemo is not working. I was devastated. 

I want to talk about this, but am in some way not sure how. I need my miracle to show up, and there are those who are convinced that it will only show up with the "right" energy.

I have been advised how to address this, and it is, in part, to act "as if" I am healthy, and all is well. It was pointed out to me that someone already "whole" need not be healed. 

It was also pointed out to me that fear energy isn't helpful, and that by sharing information and the reality that the docs espouse is only likely to invoke fear in others. 

I figure it is likely easier for others to think good thoughts for me than it might be for me to do it for myself. I could be wrong, having never been in similar shoes. I guess it would be hard to know how devastating it might personally be to lose someone I care about.

I am never sure what to believe about the idea that "what you think about, you bring about" and that thoughts are energy. All thoughts can't be THAT creative, as there are countless thoughts I have had that never came to have a life.

At the same time, I don't think I can just discount the idea, either. What if something that "needs" to happen only can when it has the strength and conviction of thoughts/belief? 

Do things not given any energy at all occur? I suspect they do. And so do things given a lot of energy. And some things given lots of energy never materialize.

Last evening a few interesting things happened after I got news about my scans. For one, a beautiful woman started talking to me, and told me how her grandmother in her 80s was diagnosed with cancer. She was given 3 months to live. She lived into her 90s, and when she died, it had nothing to do with cancer.

The second thing that happened was while I was on a hotel shuttle. The driver, without prompting, started to talk about miracles. 

The third thing was a song that played on the radio, "This is My Fight Song."

The last thing was waking up in the middle of the night and seeing 2:22 on the clock. I had seen 4:44 earlier in the evening, and often see these types of number sequences. 

222 is about faith, trust, miracles, among other things. How interesting to awaken to that "message."

The person who is offering perspective/help suggested that if you come to me with deep concern, sympathy, or questions about a diagnosis, I should tell you my health took an about face and doctors are stymied and delighted at my recovery.

This outcome is one I have imagined more than once. More than once I have imagined them being surprised at the fact that I am doing what I do, and that it worked so well - despite what they believed.

I have just mixed in other stuff. It has never been my sole focus. It has never been what has informed how I live, what else I say, what I do - at least not in a conscious, intentional way.

How do I deal with telling you all is fine and dandy as I deal with a reality that doesn't exactly seem to fit? On some level it feels like a lie. On another level, it might just help to create an alternate reality.

I used to tell people that saying what doesn't feel true may involve a level of deception, but so what? So what, if what it is can alter how you feel or react in a hood way? But doing it on a personal level is somewhat different than doing it in a more public way.

 

This person suggests that all communications from me have this OK feel.  For someone who has learned how important it is not to deny things, how do I do that? I really have to have an altered mindset to be able to come to it as authentically as possible.  

It is not like it needs to be perfect, as the  repetition creates a new groove, way of thinking in the mind. And that, apparently, is the point.

I have contemplated creating blog posts that act "as if." I can't help but wonder, though, if it might be confusing for some to read. It could certainly add to good energies, if people believe it. But, somehow, I am not sure that is the way to go.

I also considered refraining from publicly blogging for a bit. It certainly would be less likely to confuse anyone. I could do like when I wrote my book, and write offline, and share after the fact. 

What I need more than anything for the moment is people's love and good thoughts. Fear coming from anyone isn't going to be helpful. Prayers. Good thoughts. Those are good things.

I want to be careful, though. I never want to deny wherever a person is at. I told  someone today that I have learned to get through stuff. I don't stay "there," but it doesn't mean it doesn't keep showing up to get through.  

That is all I could ask of anyone. Please just do your best to love me, instead of feeling the fear that you could lose me. 

I am doing my best to get through this, and truly want an embrace of the miraculous. I would love you in that embrace with me.

If I Could...

Recently three different people have tried to tell me the reason I feel the way I do is because I am not active.

I am annoyed.

I am annoyed because what I feel sometimes is not what I feel all the time. Some days I move more easily. Some days my legs do not feel like lead. 

Granted, I am in no shape to run a marathon at any point, but I am not consistently only one way. If I was, maybe I would give their popular and common theory a chance. 

When I ask them to explain to me the difference - they can't. I can. And it's not their damn theory. It's the damn chemo.

The chemo sometimes hits me like a freaking freight train. Out of no where. Without warning. 

It is much more worse right now than it "should" be this stage of the game. It is so incredibly frustrating to not be able to move freely. I tried to vacuum earlier; within moments, I was sweating. Profusely.

I am so tired of people's well-meaning speculations. You try to move when your whole body feels like lead, and the best you can do is shuffle your feet to get where you are going.

If it was "just" inactive muscles, then using them would make them stronger. When my body feels full of lead, they barely function at all to be able to do anything repetitive to make them stronger. They just stop working. 

Imagine not being able to lift your leg. Imagine wanting it to move, and it not. Imagine being on a staircase and that happening. Imagine having to put everything you got into coaxing that leg to lift, and move, and carry you.

If you can imagine these things, you can imagine why there would be times I would try to avoid the steps, if I could. Other times, when I can move more freely, I welcome the activity of the steps.

Then see how you feel when you start to move more easily, and then *BAM* you get hit by it again. You would probably get pissed, too, by the things people say that are just so damn obvious, right?

Then see how you feel when you start to move more easily, and then *BAM* you get hit by it again. You would probably get pissed, too, by the things people say that are just so damn obvious, right?

But you'd likely just be more pissed by how you were feeling than anything else because there wasn't a damn thing you could do about it. It wasn't what you wanted. It is not what you want for yourself. You hate feeling it and experiencing it. You don't go to bed because you want to, you do it because you have to.

And you know on some level your inactivity makes your active moments less than they could be. What others say isn't totally off base. It just isn't the answer to everything you are experiencing that they think it is.

I am so tired of others who have no clue what I am dealing with telling me what I can do. If I could, dammit, I would.

What happens when you have no more to give?

I was watching a show with Jane Seymour exploring the lives of two of her Jewish great aunts. Both aunts were greatly affected by Hitler's Regime in the Second World War. 

One of them was split up from her husband and children, all of which ultimately died. She was able to be united with her sister, only to have likely committed suicide close to when her six month visa was running out, and she may have had to return to a place that might have meant certain death.

This woman had survived so much. Jane seemed astounded that she would get through the mess of life and pain, only to decide to end it all.

In thinking about it, I think I can understand why. For one, she must have been exhausted emotionally and physically. To have to return where she came from would likely compel her to push for more survival energy than she had available. 

Another piece? She knew what Hitler was doing with the Jews. She may have thought that if she was going to die, she'd rather do it on her terms. She picked a beautiful spot/field to end her life. I am sure it was more "appealing" than the gas chambers.

When I think about cancer and dying, I wonder what it would be like to preempt what I am told the end is like. A part of me would rather just go to sleep "forever" than suffer miserably, at length.

I suppose there is the possibility of unforeseen, positive outcomes, but there is also the risk of something absolutely horrendous.  How in the world does one know which way is the best to go? 

There will be those who think preemptive strikes could not be more wrong. But, if one is given the option to in some way take care of themselves, why is that so wrong?

I can't imagine the horrors of those caught up in every aspect of Hitler's devastating actions. Avoiding being a fatal victim of it must have been quite a stressful feat.

After a while it is very hard to keep going, and this is said from someone who has not dealt with anything near as tragic as those I am speaking of.

What happens when you just have no more to give? I imagine it is something like when my body can just barely move. It doesn't matter how much I want it to, or how much I think it should, or that others think in some way it could, sometimes I just have nothing.

I am thinking there comes a mental fatigue point that is not unlike what I just described.

I feel like I have flirted with it more than a time, or two.

So many tell me, "stay strong," and yet there are many who also tell me they don't think they could do what I have done. Inspiration is great for the observer, but can take one hell of a toll on the person whose survival actions inspire.

I am sure no one in a crisis does anything  more than just try to survive. I am fairly certain it unlikely anyone like that sets out to be an inspiration, or tends to even think themselves one. 

They are just trying to survive.

And sometimes the thing a person has to hold onto isn't much. What is there when there seems to be nothing to live for?

Jane's aunt lost her home, her husband, her children, her lifestyle, and saw nothing but utter destruction. I could all too easily see how difficult it would be to choose life, especially one that might quickly, violently end.

I know there would be those who would disagree, but she may have given herself a gift by what she did. 

Hard to do anything...

Was so sleepy earlier. I could not stay awake. Maybe if I allowed myself to sleep, I'd wake up and be able to do stuff.

Well. It ain't workin' as well as I might like. In fact, it is barely workin' at all. 

My legs feel so heavy. It is so hard to walk, to stand.

More than one version of right?

I feel incredibly weak today. 

This far away from chemo, and my legs can barely carry me. I bent down to get laundry out of the washer, and it took more than one try, and everything I had to stand again.

This is so not good. I so did not want that last treatment. Things like this tell me why. This, and the rashes I've had. This, and my hands getting all red and blotchy and itchy. This, and my stomach never being Ok. This, and waking up most days with my eyes glued shut. This, and barely being functional.

Yesterday, yet another person tells me I can do stuff, despite how I feel. So frustrating when people think they know things they really have no clue about.

Do I want to be like this? Hardly. And when I can do things, I do. And when I can't, there is nothing more frustrating. NOTHING.

This same person tells me that I need to get on my knees to God. Candles need to be lit, an hour needs to be spent, and I need to tell God what I will do for Him, if he answers my prayer, and I am well.

Nope. Nope. Nope. I say. I am at a point in my life that I refuse to believe that if something does not happen it is because I have not in some way done it "right." 

If there is a God (how does anyone really know if S/He exists?), then God and I have "spoken" many times. I have cried, asked for help, begged, asked for understanding more than once. If there is a God, God knows my heart. God knows what I would do for others, if I could. 

As soon as I was declared cancer free I was  "out there" trying to see what I could so for others. My blog speaks to me wanting support and understanding for people dealing with all kinds of issues. 

If there is a God, I have a hard time believing that S/He has egoic reactions to things. People believe God is much like humans. Demanding. Revengeful. Needs things done its way. Do things "my" way and be rewarded. Acknowledge me. Acknowledge my power. If you don't, you'll be sorry.

If there is a God, and God loves us, I would think it an unconditional love. I would think God would understand that we are learning and growing at all times, and won't always do things just one way.

Is a parent who loves their child only going to love their child only if certain conditions are met? For some, that is definitely the case, but for others the love is unconditional, and the child will learn how best to be themselves in the world with the support of their parents. And it could look any number of ways - not just one.

When love is at the core of things, there are unspoken truths and understanding. Not everything needs to be said, or will be spoken. The hearts of those who love each other speak their own language.

If God exists, God knows all about me. God knows my soul's desires and purpose. God knows what I want. If God exists, and it is up to God whether I live or die, I have a hard time believing God will say, "Since you did not do this, this, and that, and because you didn't do this thing that way, your time is up."  

My friend said my "if" talk made me sound like an atheist. I told him I did not need the things I said to be used to label me. 

Do I absolutely believe there is a God? Apparently not. But do I absolutely believe there isn't one? No.

However, I do think we sometimes put casual relationships where there aren't necessarily any. In some cases, we may even attribute something to a wrong cause, and yet feel we could not be any more right.  

Is God the cause of everything? If so, God could also make us a cause of our own life. Maybe that good thing that happened was because of what we created. Maybe we are meant to take credit for it.

If everything was as much about God as some people think, then why are we here? What is the point if it is only about God? God doesn't need us.

I am sure there are some reading this who have answers to these questions, and to you they make perfect sense. I do not share these thoughts to convince anyone of anything. I do not share them to get into some kind of debate.

I often do not have open "God" conversations because they often become religious debates in which neither side will win over the other. One argues "apple," the other "kumquat" and there rarely is a workable middle ground. It winds up being a head-butting exercise that isn't very helpful at all.

I share these thoughts because it is what I think about. It is what I deal with. It is what I question. I share them because it is my journey. I do not share them to be convinced of anything.

Funny this "convincing thing." My friend calls me stubborn because I am uninterested in doing what he suggests. When one uses "stubborn" with a person, the implication is that the person is in the wring somehow. 

I have spent a lot of my life questioning myself. Could someone else, or something else, be more right than me, and where I am, and what I believe?

There are times I "gave in." There are times I tried something that wasn't "mine," and it did not seem to be a good thing in any way. Many times it just wound up compromising me.

I do not stand where I do now just to be stubborn. I am a lot less reactive than that. I just know emphatically what works and what doesn't, and what feels right, and what doesn't, and I have become unwilling to compromise. 

I do not let the label "stubborn" to manipulate me into going against myself. Calling someone stubborn is such a great tool of manipulation, isn't it? Well. At least, in my case, it used to be.

I do not know what THE answers are to anything. The best I got is my ability to be in touch with how I am feeling, and respect it. Along the way, I would also hope that meant I would respect where others are in their journey. And if something different worked for them, then it doesn't mean either one of us was wrong. There could just be more than one version of "right."

Laundry

Just took most of the day to deal with one load of laundry. As I hung stuff to dry, I took down things I washed last time I did laundry...about a month ago, maybe?

I am exhausted.  

(Probably doesn't help I was crying earlier.)

There are things you do that you take for granted, and don't even think about. For me, it takes a lot of energy to take my laundry downstairs, and then bring it back upstairs. 

It may sound ridiculous to you that it would be that big of a deal, but when only a few days ago I was so weak I could barely climb the steps, it IS a bigger deal than you might imagine.

Times Like This

Times like this are really difficult. I feel so alone. I feel disregarded. I feel like I don't matter. "Everyone" is off living their lives, and I am sitting here alone, but not necessarily by choice.

I have tried calling about half a dozen people. All I get is voicemail. I can't just call anyone, either, given the state I am in. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

Times like this I really think it wouldn't matter whether I inhabited the planet, or not. This isn't all the time, but it is much more of the time than most may realize.

I have never been one to have many friends, and in dealing with cancer, that part of my world has grown even smaller.

Feeling incredibly low and sad right now. 

Looking for an AND

I have been seeing so many things about dog rescues. One of them even said they spent $20k rehabilitating a single dog.

I am really touched by the things I see. If there is a video, I often find myself emotional. I am so glad that people care, and want to help.

Here's the thing, though. Where are the stories and videos about helping PEOPLE? What could $20k do for a person?

I know there are stories about people, so I don't want to make it sound like I believe there are not. But the thing is, it seems to me the pet stories are more frequent. It also seems people are more willing to pay money toward a pet's surgery than help another human being asking for help.  

Does anyone else see something off about this picture/reality? Please tell me it  is not just me.

This is NOT to say pets should not be helped. This is not a conversation about either/or. I am just looking for an AND.

Feeling...

Feeling weak tonight. 

This sucks. 

Just climbed the steps, and am out of breath. I hate this. I hate this with a passion.

Tired, too.

Hope to get some good sleep tonight. Have a lot to do the next couple of days. 

All I Got

Why do we think the painful stuff of life is undesireable? Is it "just" because it is painful? Is it because it makes us sad?

What if life is meant to be all-inclusive? What if all the things we try to avoid, or look at with disdain, and in other negative ways, are all a part of the package of what it means to be human?

So many beliefs come from the idea that the "bad" things are punishment for a wrong. There is an idea of some that the "bad" stuff has somehow been earned or deserved. There is the idea that if we are in " balance" and see things the "right" way then all should be just fine and dandy.

There doesn't seem to be much room for the stuff that sucks, and leaves us feeling horrible. In fact, anything that even resembles that is often shunned by others, along with the person dealing with it.

Has being human always been like this? Somehow I don't think I would be surprised if the answer was, "yes." 

I think about how there is talk of "surrender." I am not sure that is something people easily do. I am not sure many even know what it truly means  in this kind of sense. 

However, surrender probably doesn't have the "best" feeling attached to it, either. Most times surrendering means losing, or giving up something, and who wants that?

In thinking about the idea that perhaps the essence of our life could have been pre-planned, and that the times what we think will happen does happen means we are in tune with the bigger picture, I could see how surrendering could be a good thing. It would mean giving something up, and that is the illusion that we can control anything and everything.

Some people may wonder how in the world that would be a good thing. Since we live under the illusion of control so strongly - even when we are disappointed countless times - it is a very powerful illusion that we don't want to mess with. We need the illusion that we have the power to steer our ship. We need the illusion that we can turn "bad" things into "good."

Maybe "surrender" means "stop fighting." We can keep doing, but maybe we learn to just go with what shows up, instead of resisting it.

Maybe surrendering does not mean we accept something as a permanent state, but rather allow for whatever shows up, when it does. As nothing ever stays the same, perhaps whatever shows up will become something else at some point.

Obviously, there are certain things that cannot be altered, like the loss of a loved one, but what can be altered is how we interact with that information. And, perhaps, we allow (surrender) ourselves the range of emotions that show up along the way.

Maybe in the realm of illness "spontaneous remissions" were a part of the plan all along. Those who have one often have altered their lives along the way. Perhaps that, too, was part of the plan.

Maybe an illness shows up to teach something. The teaching plan includes homework - changes - and with the homework comes other changes, including a change in health status. 

And maybe there are times the plan has a different outcome. Maybe there is no remission. Just because it's different doesn't necessarily make it wrong. 

Maybe there are different lessons to be learned by not only the person affected, but by those around her. And the only way that is going to happen is through what is often perceived as a less than desireable course.  

With all this in mind, I altered a request I made for support for a "clear scan." I am open to the possibility that things may go a different way than I want. If The Plan in regard to me means a non-clear scan, then I would ask for support around feeling peaceful about whatever the outcome is.

I certainly would prefer a clear scan, but find myself wondering if my preference will align with the forthcoming reality. I have learned a lot these last years with the ride I have been on. Had my first go round with chemo done the trick, I suspect my experience, and resulting understanding, would have been much different than it has been. MUCH.

And. Who knows if I would have begun to paint, or taken my trip, or wrote my book, or created as many videos, or had a blog nearly as extensive as this one has become?

Maybe it was all a part of The Plan to get me to be more of who I was. It is one thing to be a certain way, it is another to be nudged - or shoved - in that direction.

I have taken a journey to self that was precipitated by the urgency of cancer. It was like the diagnosis of cancer opened the door to me and said, "There is no time like the present." 

The thing was, I had no clue what that meant at any time along the way. But things showed up. I felt like I should do stuff, and I did those things. And those things led to other things.

I do not know what to make of it all, especially feeling the way I have the last few months. It has been challenging, to say the very least.

I have to hope that I will find my way to another place and have clarity over what this all meant. I saw a video in which the person suggested we need to get out of a crisis to be able to appreciate whatever lessons that might have come along with it.

Being immersed in a "cancer experience" has made it very difficult for me to have any perspective. What was said makes a lot of sense to me. But then I wonder...what if you do not get to the "other side." What if you don't get "through it?"

If I had to guess, I'd guess you (hopefully) get something from it on the "other side" of life. Someone else I heard speak once said we always get what our soul desires - but not necessarily in this lifetime.

That kind of makes sense to me, too. Hearing that we are never given a desire that our soul can't fulfill is challenging when it is apparent that something you wanted with every part of you can not happen. 

Not sure I am a fan of the delayed gratification, though :p

I feel like I might have shifted a bit in the last couple of days. I guess I will know more after my scans this week. What they say, and how I react, will tell me a lot of where I truly stand.

Words and theories are so easily come by. I do admit, though, there are butterflies in my stomach. There is a term "scanxiety," and it fits me all too well at the moment. Guess that tells me something, too.

I guess recognizing something doesn't automatically erase a lifetime of being a certain way. But I have to hope it somehow matters/helps in the grander scheme of things. 

It is kinda all I got. At least for this moment.

What if...?

Many people believe there is a cause and effect relationship between thought and reality. I question this, given numerous times I wanted something so badly, and it did not come through. And yet there were times it seemed to work. The difference, it would seem, was my ineffectiveness and ability to do it "right." 

The idea of that is more than a bit annoying. It would seem God/The Universe/The Powers that Be were awfully sadistic to set us up in such a way to believe we could so stuff - but then not be able to get it done, but not know why we couldn't, and not know how to "fix" it.

I went down that path for a while, but decided at some point it just did not fit for me. But I had nothing to replace it with other than a hunch.

Today I saw something from Matt Kahn that made sense to me. If I understand it right, the times we think something and it comes to pass are times we are more willing and able to be in tune with the path our life is taking. The times we aren't in synch, we are less able to be in tune with what "is."

Who knows if that idea is "right," but it makes more sense to me than the whole freaking attraction stuff. If there truly was a causal relationship between thought and what happens, why isn't it more consistent in terms of what does/doesn't happen?

The whole "Attraction" thing I think is attractive because within it lies the illusion that we are in control. This other idea seems to indicate that we need more to surrender to what might show up. And if it is something we don't like or want, who wants that??

I do not know what The Truth of things like this is. I tend to think no one else really does, either, and yet there are those who speak as though they know what it is as adamantly as others who speak of "It" in a very different way. 

The only thing I know with any kind of certainty is what I claim for myself. It certainly can get confusing, though, when trying to factor in what others think I should believe.

What if all beliefs are illusion? What if we get to pick our illusions the way we pick clothes?

Dichotomy

Earlier I posted a request on Facebook for support for a clear scan. I am so tired of this chemo treadmill. I can't take it any more.

Not long after, I started feeling depressed. There are things going on in my life that are making me question my value in being here. 

It seems very few people seem to give a damn about me, my situation, the things I say. If what I say doesn't matter, and my say is all I got these days, why the hell am I here?

I haven't been able to do art or jewelry, or pretty much anything except sleep, eat, and lay in bed. This is not only no life, it is a lonely, alone one. 

What is the point?

I have been crying on and off. I am so tired of so many things, and a part of me wants to include "life" on the list.

I realize the dichotomy. Asking for a life affirming, clear scan while a part of me seems more than happy to exit.

I also recognize that my meaning can't be wrapped up in stuff or other people. But just because I recognize it doesn't mean I know what the hell to do about it.

Such a freaking emotional day. I am not handling anything very well. In fact, it is pretty much the opposite of "well." 

A Recurring Dream

I used to dream about a Great Aunt a lot. The dream was pretty much the same. It involved an elevator, and I think she was falling down the shaft.

I was just a young kid, and never quite knew what to make of this recurring dream. Just now, for the heck of it, I just looked up what a dream like that could mean. It spoke to a decline in an emotional or mental state.

That aunt had issues. I do not exactly know what they were by a label name. But the issues did affect how she mentally dealt with the world. 

I have often wondered if she was intuitive/empathic, and somehow was a "bit" too open. It was a "crazy" thought I had in my own, but one day saw an article in which someone else posed that kind of possibility for people who seemed to "lose" it.

Regardless of what got her "there," though, apparently there was a part of me that knew something wasn't right. I had that dream for years. 

Knowing this is kind of interesting now, but I can't help but wonder what the point of having it was. There was nothing I could do with it. There was nothing I could do about her. 

I suppose it could tell me now that I was intuitive at a young age. But...still...what does that mean to me in this moment? What does it mean to be thinking about this moment in time?

Focus on "The End"

Back in 2012, when I had my "last" chemo treatment, I was given a card, a balloon, and a mug. It was a "banner" day. I was done after 6 rounds of chemo. Going in I knew that was The Plan. 

The Plan would be that chemo would take care of it, and I could get on with my life. 

It wasn't the easiest thing to do. It wasn't like I took aspirin, and my headache was gone, but I still tried to get on with life. I was off and running. I went to a seminar. I went to networking meetings. I was "on the other side" and working toward creating something. 

I was even fairly optimistic, given all I was feeling. I was doing the best I could, even as my heart was broken by a romantic someone who said they had "only" stuck around because of my diagnosis.

For 3 months I did my best to keep going. Then, I got a follow-up scan, and was told "trouble was likely brewing." For months that followed, I resisted chemo. I tried alternative treatments that, in some ways, weren't much better.  

In September I was told it was likely that chemo would never take care of the cancer again, and that surgery wasn't an option. I was devastated, but still did not hop on the chemo train, despite being advised against it by my doctor.

Instead, I went on a 27 day trip that I felt saved my life. But then I came back, and had to deal with all the doctor and medical and survival shit. 

I am not sure about the choices I have made. In part, I believe I was misled by what the doctors told me. I try every day to be ok with my decisions, but it seems the choices might have affected me in ways that aren't exactly beneficial.

I am now where I did not want to be. I am on a chemo ride, and not sure how to get off. The doctor's prouncement that September pretty much told me that they felt I would be on chemo the rest of my life. 

Yes. Very devastated.

So now people keep telling me to focus in the "end," or they ask me when the end of chemo is. I can see why. They've been trained by many images of people celebrating the end of treatment. There HAS to be an end, right?

Well. Um. No. At least not without a miracle. In a case like mine either breaks are planned, or the person's body forces one. 

But it is not like the first go round. It is Hit or Miss. Let's try this, and assess. And then we will go from there. There is no end in sight. Just maybe a rest stop along the way. The only thing is you don't necessarily know just how far away the stop is.

I figure people don't know any better, and are just trying to be positive/helpful, but I really wish they'd just stop asking and saying the things they do. 

It only winds up depressing me. 

I know I don't help things by being so honest/forthcoming, but I have a hard time just brushing over stuff. If I am down, not feeling well, or whatever, and you ask me how I am, more than I am gonna tell ya.

I just haven't quite figured out how to make it work for me. Maybe when I do it will solve my problem. Either that, or my miracle shows up so there no longer needs to be this damn conversation.

A little can mean a lot

I like the fact that I have a device that firs in the palm of my hand, and lets me not only talk to someone on the other side of the world, but see them as well. I like the fact that I can not only connect with those I know that way, but it also allows me to meet people I probably would not otherwise have an opportunity to.

I am amazed by what we are capable of.

Simultaneously, I find myself wondering what kind of world we would have if instead if stomping on the Native American way of life, we had embraced it.

The things we do in the name of "progress" mutilate the Body Earth. I am so sad when I see pictures of islands of trash in the ocean. It devastates me to think of the implications of nuclear power plant breakdowns. We say it is a "Green Power" which is supposed to be good, right? The problem is when it fails to the degree that it can - there is nothing less green. There are no words for the recent yellowing of a river. 

The list of travesties is far and wide and very long. 

I realize that there are likely compromises I do not know about that allow me the conveniences that I appreciate. If I knew everything, would I still want and appreciate it? 

I have heard about how animals are treated that we wind up eating, and even though I do not eat it every day, I still eat meat. I hear how chemicals affect my body in the products we use, and my use of them has declined dramatically.

I am not a big energy user. I don't drive much/often, and haven't for years. I am

all too happy to be in a darkened room with one dimmed light. I take quick showers (most of the time).

I know I add to the earth's problems just by being a consumer, and I know I could probably do better. What I don't know is what exactly that looks like. I guess it all depends on what seems important. 

I think I would trade a lot for the connections I have with those at a distance. In some ways they have become my Life Line.

I don't know what the answers are to some of the larger dilemmas, but I suspect a willingness to not have everything whenever we want it would be a help. I suspect we could do a lot better without it having as great of a negative/inconvenience impact as some would think it would have. Even one less room to heat would mean less energy was required.

I wish I had The Answers. Without them, most people just shrug when it comes to conversations like these. "It's just the way it is." "What difference will my seemingly small action make? Isn't it just a drop in the ocean?"

Just like I always tell people $1 donations DO matter, and can add up, I tend to think the same holds true of other things. If every person impacted their life in one small way each day, it could really make a difference.

What if each person put .10 aside each day? After a year it would be $36.50. And let's say that the population of Ames, Iowa did that. The population us approximately 62,000. After a year, that would be $2.2 million, plus. Could you imagine what they could collectively do with that kind of money, or value of available resource, or how they might use that money to help those who might be in need?

I imagine this is where the idea of taxes showed up. But that is a different discussion. My point is that a little can mean a lot more than most realize. As a result, they use it as an excuse not to take action, or make changes, or help others.

My point is, perhaps if people thought about it a bit more, maybe they'd at least stop making decisions based on inaccurate reasoning. I realize if someone doesn't want to make a change, it certainly seems to be a valid reason most would be in cahoots with. It is in a Safety Zone that is mostly untouchable since many people won't argue with an argument they use themselves.

But a little really can mean a lot.