Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Not wanted

A few years ago, several really, I sat down and wound up writing what I think mother felt when she was pregnant with me. While there will be those who will be dubious about how accurate it might have been, there would be others who would likely be more willing to give it credence, as there are those who believe a baby is aware.

What I wrote was full of pain and anguish. I felt she was even angry, and that she did not want me. Since I have spent my life trying to disappear and hide, somehow it would not surprise me if what I got was accurate. I certainly have not felt wanted by many in my life. My grandmother is one I likely felt that way with, but given the litany of concerns she had, and that we had as a family, I know I had an underlying current of worry that I was making things harder on her, and that maybe she'd be better off without me.

I am not sure, as I think about this, that I have ever felt "safely" loved and wanted. Even if something hinted at it, I think I have been insecure in what I felt. To make matters worse, there have been times I somewhat took a leap, only to have the rug pulled out from under me.

Yesterday someone said I do not use the "L" word freely. It is like it really means something to me. When I say it, it would seem it really means something, and I really mean it. I never really thought about it, but that makes sense to me. Why give love to someone who may not really want me, to someone who can just get up and walk away - like so many have done?

My mother walked away. She was told that living with my grandparents would be good for me. She listened. If she felt the way I think she did about me, my guess is that that wasn't too hard to do. I could, of course, be making this all up. However, I'd say there are pieces that ring true, even if the whole isn't all that accurate.

How does one deal with feeling unwanted, and therefore unloved? How does one heal the pain? 

People tell me they love me, and it is uncomfortable for me. Those who were "supposed" to love me weren't present. Unconsciously it might seem that a person who loves me leaves me - or was never really there in the first place. 

For me, another saying they love me often gives me a sense of uncertainty. When are they going to leave? This is not something I really ever thought about until now. But I suspect there is some truth to it.

Often being the "odd" one, or the outsider hasn't helped me to feel all that welcome in the lives of others, much less their hearts. The pieces seem to come together so incredibly well. What is in that that I am supposed to get? I suspect it may be more obvious to an observer than it is to me.

All these thoughts are bubbling up, as I have been having pain quite close to my belly button. I suspect there is a connection between the two. Life came through that place. When I think about being in the womb, it is not a welcoming place. It feels dark, and unsafe. And if my first relationship and "home" did not feel safe, or make me feel welcome, is it no wonder many others do not, either?

I truly feel like I have been walking around on pins and needles most of my life. I have been uncomfortable in my skin because I have never felt good enough. If I had been "good enough" I would not have been such an outsider. Something was apparently wrong with me since I was picked on, and never seemed to fit in. I was present in the world, but it never really seemed that many around me wanted me to be a part of their world.

This isn't absolute stuff. But it has been a big theme of my life. It has been the source of a lot of pain and sadness in my life. Besides crying, I am not sure what to do with all of this at the moment. I am guessing there is something to be done. There is such great pain in my body. Great pain regarding the source of my life, and my life itself. Maybe this is why I have been feeling angry at my mother?

I know ultimately this is a good thing...but as for right now...

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