But the thing is...it is disorienting. I don't really know what time of day it is, other than when I look, but even then I might be surprised to see it is nine in the morning, but it feels like afternoon.
This isn't just an occasional thing; this becoming the all too normal norm.
On top of it all, I am taking Vicoden every 4 hours, or so. Oddly, if I fall asleep, I wind up waking up at just about that 4 hour mark. There are times before that mark I am uncomfortable, but I try to stretch it a bit, without winding up in the deep end of pain.
Tonight I would have loved chicken fingers for dinner. But I have run out. There are other things I have run out of, too, and really should get to the store. Being back on chemo is around the corner, and it will be good to have some pre-made food.
It all sounds good, but making it happen - well, that will be the trick.
In between everything, I keep trying to tell myself it will be ok. That I will be ok. It is not an easy conversation I have with myself. While Vicoden is helping with the pain, it is causing other issues, and I am concerned about it being paired with chemo.
A part of me, I think, is in denial. It is about the only way I think I can get through this right now. Even writing this, and admitting to it, is making me emotional.
At least, though, I had set out to raise $500 to try an alternative type of treatment that I will do in conjuction with chemo, and thankfully, the funds for this month were raised. I will need to do it two more months, at least, and am not looking forward to asking, but did see how asking gave me something I had all but given up on. So I will need to find whatever it takes in me to extend myself again closer to the time I will need it.
There are moments I am just so incredibly appreciative of those who step-up. It means so much to me when so many - the majority - just get silent.
I am so grateful for these step-up people. I could never have made it this far without them.
At the same time, I am terrified. I need help more than ever because I can't do as much as I was doing. If silence is golden in my times of need, what is going to happen if I get to a point that I can't take care of myself?
It is really hard to convey my situation, if I do not choose to speak of it certain ways. But it truly could be getting to a point of life and death, and that is why the alternative I mentioned above is so crucial.
Will it save me? Who knows? But I have to at least try. But if things deteriorate, I am just not sure how much trying I will be willing to do. The pain more than sucks. Why I have the pain in the first place sucks even more.
It is very difficult to not be terrified in the midst of terror. I guess that is partly why I am writing what I am, in the hope that I can deal with it, release it...something, anything - other than letting it do what it has been doing - other than trying to bury it.
It really sucks that pretty much every freaking thing I do requires thought, and maybe even a bit of planning. Things you take for granted when healthy, become like a boulder to get around, over, or to be carried. Even standing up and walking often has to be contemplated.
Not sure why I am bothering to tell you these things. I suspect there is a diligent part of myself that really hopes that somewhere along the line people will have an "a-ha!" and suddenly I will be flooded with empathy and tangible help, instead of the words that mean nothing that so many offer that they somehow think help.
I keep thinking somehow they have to know that posting some damn meme on Facebook about cancer often doesn't do a damn thing for someone dealing with it. But to admit it might mean having to admit to being helpless, or not knowing what to do, so it might be unlikely to be seen for the mostly ineffective thing it is.
Believe me, though, if you truly want to be a help, and not feel helpless, there are likely to be some tangible things you could do, if you just ask the person what s/he wants/needs. It may take more than a few strokes on a device, but will likely be infinitely more appreciated than a graphic or a few generic words.
In raising $500, one person alone asked 3 different people who did not know me if they'd help to the tune of $50 each. Her personal request got results.
I know others have asked, only to be told no, or shot down. So I know it is no simple matter. I also know complete strangers have given me more than many who know me longer, better - many of which have given nothing. Nothing. Despite requests for even just $1.
I realize there are complex dynamics in situations like these, but really, they should be quite simple: a person needs help: help them. Of course, you may mot be able to do it every time, with every person, but I'd be willing to bet most people can do more than they do - especially if they're doing nothing. And it doesn't have to be a grand event. It might just be something small - but to the person in need it might just mean everything.
My current requests might just mean the difference between life and death, and I'd say that you can be more significant to a person than you may realize.
To those who have helped in any way, please know I thank you. I value any offering of any size. I think nothing less of a person who gives me $1 than a person who gives $100. I also do not think less of anyone who chooses to remain silent in regard to me/my situation/my requests. They have their reasons, just in the same way that someone who gives has theirs.
I feel the need to say this, as I am afraid I may in some way offend someone, or come off wrong in what I have said. As I acknowledged, things like this are complex, and I only say, and share, the stuff I do as perspective on a topic that is rarely ever addressed.
If you are doing what you can/the best you can - in relation to anyone - that is all I can ever ask.
Ps If you want to help me get a jumpstart on next month, you can at Heartsgiving.com Thank you.