Monday, September 7, 2015

All I Got

Why do we think the painful stuff of life is undesireable? Is it "just" because it is painful? Is it because it makes us sad?

What if life is meant to be all-inclusive? What if all the things we try to avoid, or look at with disdain, and in other negative ways, are all a part of the package of what it means to be human?

So many beliefs come from the idea that the "bad" things are punishment for a wrong. There is an idea of some that the "bad" stuff has somehow been earned or deserved. There is the idea that if we are in " balance" and see things the "right" way then all should be just fine and dandy.

There doesn't seem to be much room for the stuff that sucks, and leaves us feeling horrible. In fact, anything that even resembles that is often shunned by others, along with the person dealing with it.

Has being human always been like this? Somehow I don't think I would be surprised if the answer was, "yes." 

I think about how there is talk of "surrender." I am not sure that is something people easily do. I am not sure many even know what it truly means  in this kind of sense. 

However, surrender probably doesn't have the "best" feeling attached to it, either. Most times surrendering means losing, or giving up something, and who wants that?

In thinking about the idea that perhaps the essence of our life could have been pre-planned, and that the times what we think will happen does happen means we are in tune with the bigger picture, I could see how surrendering could be a good thing. It would mean giving something up, and that is the illusion that we can control anything and everything.

Some people may wonder how in the world that would be a good thing. Since we live under the illusion of control so strongly - even when we are disappointed countless times - it is a very powerful illusion that we don't want to mess with. We need the illusion that we have the power to steer our ship. We need the illusion that we can turn "bad" things into "good."

Maybe "surrender" means "stop fighting." We can keep doing, but maybe we learn to just go with what shows up, instead of resisting it.

Maybe surrendering does not mean we accept something as a permanent state, but rather allow for whatever shows up, when it does. As nothing ever stays the same, perhaps whatever shows up will become something else at some point.

Obviously, there are certain things that cannot be altered, like the loss of a loved one, but what can be altered is how we interact with that information. And, perhaps, we allow (surrender) ourselves the range of emotions that show up along the way.

Maybe in the realm of illness "spontaneous remissions" were a part of the plan all along. Those who have one often have altered their lives along the way. Perhaps that, too, was part of the plan.

Maybe an illness shows up to teach something. The teaching plan includes homework - changes - and with the homework comes other changes, including a change in health status. 

And maybe there are times the plan has a different outcome. Maybe there is no remission. Just because it's different doesn't necessarily make it wrong. 

Maybe there are different lessons to be learned by not only the person affected, but by those around her. And the only way that is going to happen is through what is often perceived as a less than desireable course.  

With all this in mind, I altered a request I made for support for a "clear scan." I am open to the possibility that things may go a different way than I want. If The Plan in regard to me means a non-clear scan, then I would ask for support around feeling peaceful about whatever the outcome is.

I certainly would prefer a clear scan, but find myself wondering if my preference will align with the forthcoming reality. I have learned a lot these last years with the ride I have been on. Had my first go round with chemo done the trick, I suspect my experience, and resulting understanding, would have been much different than it has been. MUCH.

And. Who knows if I would have begun to paint, or taken my trip, or wrote my book, or created as many videos, or had a blog nearly as extensive as this one has become?

Maybe it was all a part of The Plan to get me to be more of who I was. It is one thing to be a certain way, it is another to be nudged - or shoved - in that direction.

I have taken a journey to self that was precipitated by the urgency of cancer. It was like the diagnosis of cancer opened the door to me and said, "There is no time like the present." 

The thing was, I had no clue what that meant at any time along the way. But things showed up. I felt like I should do stuff, and I did those things. And those things led to other things.

I do not know what to make of it all, especially feeling the way I have the last few months. It has been challenging, to say the very least.

I have to hope that I will find my way to another place and have clarity over what this all meant. I saw a video in which the person suggested we need to get out of a crisis to be able to appreciate whatever lessons that might have come along with it.

Being immersed in a "cancer experience" has made it very difficult for me to have any perspective. What was said makes a lot of sense to me. But then I wonder...what if you do not get to the "other side." What if you don't get "through it?"

If I had to guess, I'd guess you (hopefully) get something from it on the "other side" of life. Someone else I heard speak once said we always get what our soul desires - but not necessarily in this lifetime.

That kind of makes sense to me, too. Hearing that we are never given a desire that our soul can't fulfill is challenging when it is apparent that something you wanted with every part of you can not happen. 

Not sure I am a fan of the delayed gratification, though :p

I feel like I might have shifted a bit in the last couple of days. I guess I will know more after my scans this week. What they say, and how I react, will tell me a lot of where I truly stand.

Words and theories are so easily come by. I do admit, though, there are butterflies in my stomach. There is a term "scanxiety," and it fits me all too well at the moment. Guess that tells me something, too.

I guess recognizing something doesn't automatically erase a lifetime of being a certain way. But I have to hope it somehow matters/helps in the grander scheme of things. 

It is kinda all I got. At least for this moment.

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