Saturday, September 5, 2015

Focus on "The End"

Back in 2012, when I had my "last" chemo treatment, I was given a card, a balloon, and a mug. It was a "banner" day. I was done after 6 rounds of chemo. Going in I knew that was The Plan. 

The Plan would be that chemo would take care of it, and I could get on with my life. 

It wasn't the easiest thing to do. It wasn't like I took aspirin, and my headache was gone, but I still tried to get on with life. I was off and running. I went to a seminar. I went to networking meetings. I was "on the other side" and working toward creating something. 

I was even fairly optimistic, given all I was feeling. I was doing the best I could, even as my heart was broken by a romantic someone who said they had "only" stuck around because of my diagnosis.

For 3 months I did my best to keep going. Then, I got a follow-up scan, and was told "trouble was likely brewing." For months that followed, I resisted chemo. I tried alternative treatments that, in some ways, weren't much better.  

In September I was told it was likely that chemo would never take care of the cancer again, and that surgery wasn't an option. I was devastated, but still did not hop on the chemo train, despite being advised against it by my doctor.

Instead, I went on a 27 day trip that I felt saved my life. But then I came back, and had to deal with all the doctor and medical and survival shit. 

I am not sure about the choices I have made. In part, I believe I was misled by what the doctors told me. I try every day to be ok with my decisions, but it seems the choices might have affected me in ways that aren't exactly beneficial.

I am now where I did not want to be. I am on a chemo ride, and not sure how to get off. The doctor's prouncement that September pretty much told me that they felt I would be on chemo the rest of my life. 

Yes. Very devastated.

So now people keep telling me to focus in the "end," or they ask me when the end of chemo is. I can see why. They've been trained by many images of people celebrating the end of treatment. There HAS to be an end, right?

Well. Um. No. At least not without a miracle. In a case like mine either breaks are planned, or the person's body forces one. 

But it is not like the first go round. It is Hit or Miss. Let's try this, and assess. And then we will go from there. There is no end in sight. Just maybe a rest stop along the way. The only thing is you don't necessarily know just how far away the stop is.

I figure people don't know any better, and are just trying to be positive/helpful, but I really wish they'd just stop asking and saying the things they do. 

It only winds up depressing me. 

I know I don't help things by being so honest/forthcoming, but I have a hard time just brushing over stuff. If I am down, not feeling well, or whatever, and you ask me how I am, more than I am gonna tell ya.

I just haven't quite figured out how to make it work for me. Maybe when I do it will solve my problem. Either that, or my miracle shows up so there no longer needs to be this damn conversation.

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