Friday, September 11, 2015

What I Need

So. Yesterday I found out the chemo is not working. I was devastated. 

I want to talk about this, but am in some way not sure how. I need my miracle to show up, and there are those who are convinced that it will only show up with the "right" energy.

I have been advised how to address this, and it is, in part, to act "as if" I am healthy, and all is well. It was pointed out to me that someone already "whole" need not be healed. 

It was also pointed out to me that fear energy isn't helpful, and that by sharing information and the reality that the docs espouse is only likely to invoke fear in others. 

I figure it is likely easier for others to think good thoughts for me than it might be for me to do it for myself. I could be wrong, having never been in similar shoes. I guess it would be hard to know how devastating it might personally be to lose someone I care about.

I am never sure what to believe about the idea that "what you think about, you bring about" and that thoughts are energy. All thoughts can't be THAT creative, as there are countless thoughts I have had that never came to have a life.

At the same time, I don't think I can just discount the idea, either. What if something that "needs" to happen only can when it has the strength and conviction of thoughts/belief? 

Do things not given any energy at all occur? I suspect they do. And so do things given a lot of energy. And some things given lots of energy never materialize.

Last evening a few interesting things happened after I got news about my scans. For one, a beautiful woman started talking to me, and told me how her grandmother in her 80s was diagnosed with cancer. She was given 3 months to live. She lived into her 90s, and when she died, it had nothing to do with cancer.

The second thing that happened was while I was on a hotel shuttle. The driver, without prompting, started to talk about miracles. 

The third thing was a song that played on the radio, "This is My Fight Song."

The last thing was waking up in the middle of the night and seeing 2:22 on the clock. I had seen 4:44 earlier in the evening, and often see these types of number sequences. 

222 is about faith, trust, miracles, among other things. How interesting to awaken to that "message."

The person who is offering perspective/help suggested that if you come to me with deep concern, sympathy, or questions about a diagnosis, I should tell you my health took an about face and doctors are stymied and delighted at my recovery.

This outcome is one I have imagined more than once. More than once I have imagined them being surprised at the fact that I am doing what I do, and that it worked so well - despite what they believed.

I have just mixed in other stuff. It has never been my sole focus. It has never been what has informed how I live, what else I say, what I do - at least not in a conscious, intentional way.

How do I deal with telling you all is fine and dandy as I deal with a reality that doesn't exactly seem to fit? On some level it feels like a lie. On another level, it might just help to create an alternate reality.

I used to tell people that saying what doesn't feel true may involve a level of deception, but so what? So what, if what it is can alter how you feel or react in a hood way? But doing it on a personal level is somewhat different than doing it in a more public way.
This person suggests that all communications from me have this OK feel.  For someone who has learned how important it is not to deny things, how do I do that? I really have to have an altered mindset to be able to come to it as authentically as possible.  

It is not like it needs to be perfect, as the  repetition creates a new groove, way of thinking in the mind. And that, apparently, is the point.

I have contemplated creating blog posts that act "as if." I can't help but wonder, though, if it might be confusing for some to read. It could certainly add to good energies, if people believe it. But, somehow, I am not sure that is the way to go.

I also considered refraining from publicly blogging for a bit. It certainly would be less likely to confuse anyone. I could do like when I wrote my book, and write offline, and share after the fact. 

What I need more than anything for the moment is people's love and good thoughts. Fear coming from anyone isn't going to be helpful. Prayers. Good thoughts. Those are good things.

I want to be careful, though. I never want to deny wherever a person is at. I told  someone today that I have learned to get through stuff. I don't stay "there," but it doesn't mean it doesn't keep showing up to get through.  

That is all I could ask of anyone. Please just do your best to love me, instead of feeling the fear that you could lose me. 

I am doing my best to get through this, and truly want an embrace of the miraculous. I would love you in that embrace with me.


  1. a lovely post - sending good thoughts, positive energy, love and hugs