Monday, September 28, 2015

I miss "normal"

It's 4:44 am. I have been awake about 20 minutes. It has been a restless night. I was dreaming about having a "normal" head. What that means, exactly, I am not sure, but in the dream, I was feeling as "normal" as I might have years ago.

It has me thinking about the life I took for granted. The sunrises and sunsets I did not fully appreciate as I made my way to and from work. It has me thinking about the "busy-ness" of my life, having to think about what I would do for lunch, where I might stop for breakfast, the anxiety of potentially being late for work. It has me thinking about late Friday nights that led to Saturday morning sleep ins. It has me think about how wonderful it was to be paid. It has me think about the few times I got really sick and wound up on my butt, and how wonderful it was to feel better, although I never probably fully appreciated the "getting better" part.  

I am so tired of feeling sick. I am so tired of being tired. I woke up to discomfort, and the results of using MOM last night. I went from not going to the other extreme. 

I think I feel better now, but it's hard to tell. I took some more Vicodin. Vicodin has been my friend around the clock since it showed up, and is likely the reason for having to use MOM.

I saw people annoyed last night that they could not see the moon because of clouds. It must be nicer than they realize to be annoyed at something like that. 

People dealing with life and death issues were less likely to be among the annoyed. In my case, I looked, couldn't see it, and shrugged. There were other things to focus on/concern myself with. 

It might seem that I am judging them, but it is more that I am sharing a perspective. When you are caught up in living life a certain way, you don't always recognize the good stuff, and it is all too easy to complain about stuff not worth the effort.  

I miss having other things to focus on beside pain, going to the doctor/treatment, supplements/pills, going to bathroom, drinking enough, how I am going to eat, and sleeping.

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