I am annoyed.
I am annoyed because what I feel sometimes is not what I feel all the time. Some days I move more easily. Some days my legs do not feel like lead.
Granted, I am in no shape to run a marathon at any point, but I am not consistently only one way. If I was, maybe I would give their popular and common theory a chance.
When I ask them to explain to me the difference - they can't. I can. And it's not their damn theory. It's the damn chemo.
The chemo sometimes hits me like a freaking freight train. Out of no where. Without warning.
It is much more worse right now than it "should" be this stage of the game. It is so incredibly frustrating to not be able to move freely. I tried to vacuum earlier; within moments, I was sweating. Profusely.
I am so tired of people's well-meaning speculations. You try to move when your whole body feels like lead, and the best you can do is shuffle your feet to get where you are going.
If it was "just" inactive muscles, then using them would make them stronger. When my body feels full of lead, they barely function at all to be able to do anything repetitive to make them stronger. They just stop working.
Imagine not being able to lift your leg. Imagine wanting it to move, and it not. Imagine being on a staircase and that happening. Imagine having to put everything you got into coaxing that leg to lift, and move, and carry you.
If you can imagine these things, you can imagine why there would be times I would try to avoid the steps, if I could. Other times, when I can move more freely, I welcome the activity of the steps.
Then see how you feel when you start to move more easily, and then *BAM* you get hit by it again. You would probably get pissed, too, by the things people say that are just so damn obvious, right?
Then see how you feel when you start to move more easily, and then *BAM* you get hit by it again. You would probably get pissed, too, by the things people say that are just so damn obvious, right?
But you'd likely just be more pissed by how you were feeling than anything else because there wasn't a damn thing you could do about it. It wasn't what you wanted. It is not what you want for yourself. You hate feeling it and experiencing it. You don't go to bed because you want to, you do it because you have to.
And you know on some level your inactivity makes your active moments less than they could be. What others say isn't totally off base. It just isn't the answer to everything you are experiencing that they think it is.
I am so tired of others who have no clue what I am dealing with telling me what I can do. If I could, dammit, I would.
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