This far away from chemo, and my legs can barely carry me. I bent down to get laundry out of the washer, and it took more than one try, and everything I had to stand again.
This is so not good. I so did not want that last treatment. Things like this tell me why. This, and the rashes I've had. This, and my hands getting all red and blotchy and itchy. This, and my stomach never being Ok. This, and waking up most days with my eyes glued shut. This, and barely being functional.
Yesterday, yet another person tells me I can do stuff, despite how I feel. So frustrating when people think they know things they really have no clue about.
Do I want to be like this? Hardly. And when I can do things, I do. And when I can't, there is nothing more frustrating. NOTHING.
This same person tells me that I need to get on my knees to God. Candles need to be lit, an hour needs to be spent, and I need to tell God what I will do for Him, if he answers my prayer, and I am well.
Nope. Nope. Nope. I say. I am at a point in my life that I refuse to believe that if something does not happen it is because I have not in some way done it "right."
If there is a God (how does anyone really know if S/He exists?), then God and I have "spoken" many times. I have cried, asked for help, begged, asked for understanding more than once. If there is a God, God knows my heart. God knows what I would do for others, if I could.
As soon as I was declared cancer free I was "out there" trying to see what I could so for others. My blog speaks to me wanting support and understanding for people dealing with all kinds of issues.
If there is a God, I have a hard time believing that S/He has egoic reactions to things. People believe God is much like humans. Demanding. Revengeful. Needs things done its way. Do things "my" way and be rewarded. Acknowledge me. Acknowledge my power. If you don't, you'll be sorry.
If there is a God, and God loves us, I would think it an unconditional love. I would think God would understand that we are learning and growing at all times, and won't always do things just one way.
Is a parent who loves their child only going to love their child only if certain conditions are met? For some, that is definitely the case, but for others the love is unconditional, and the child will learn how best to be themselves in the world with the support of their parents. And it could look any number of ways - not just one.
When love is at the core of things, there are unspoken truths and understanding. Not everything needs to be said, or will be spoken. The hearts of those who love each other speak their own language.
If God exists, God knows all about me. God knows my soul's desires and purpose. God knows what I want. If God exists, and it is up to God whether I live or die, I have a hard time believing God will say, "Since you did not do this, this, and that, and because you didn't do this thing that way, your time is up."
My friend said my "if" talk made me sound like an atheist. I told him I did not need the things I said to be used to label me.
Do I absolutely believe there is a God? Apparently not. But do I absolutely believe there isn't one? No.
However, I do think we sometimes put casual relationships where there aren't necessarily any. In some cases, we may even attribute something to a wrong cause, and yet feel we could not be any more right.
Is God the cause of everything? If so, God could also make us a cause of our own life. Maybe that good thing that happened was because of what we created. Maybe we are meant to take credit for it.
If everything was as much about God as some people think, then why are we here? What is the point if it is only about God? God doesn't need us.
I am sure there are some reading this who have answers to these questions, and to you they make perfect sense. I do not share these thoughts to convince anyone of anything. I do not share them to get into some kind of debate.
I often do not have open "God" conversations because they often become religious debates in which neither side will win over the other. One argues "apple," the other "kumquat" and there rarely is a workable middle ground. It winds up being a head-butting exercise that isn't very helpful at all.
I share these thoughts because it is what I think about. It is what I deal with. It is what I question. I share them because it is my journey. I do not share them to be convinced of anything.
Funny this "convincing thing." My friend calls me stubborn because I am uninterested in doing what he suggests. When one uses "stubborn" with a person, the implication is that the person is in the wring somehow.
I have spent a lot of my life questioning myself. Could someone else, or something else, be more right than me, and where I am, and what I believe?
There are times I "gave in." There are times I tried something that wasn't "mine," and it did not seem to be a good thing in any way. Many times it just wound up compromising me.
I do not stand where I do now just to be stubborn. I am a lot less reactive than that. I just know emphatically what works and what doesn't, and what feels right, and what doesn't, and I have become unwilling to compromise.
I do not let the label "stubborn" to manipulate me into going against myself. Calling someone stubborn is such a great tool of manipulation, isn't it? Well. At least, in my case, it used to be.
I do not know what THE answers are to anything. The best I got is my ability to be in touch with how I am feeling, and respect it. Along the way, I would also hope that meant I would respect where others are in their journey. And if something different worked for them, then it doesn't mean either one of us was wrong. There could just be more than one version of "right."
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