Staying off Facebook has kind of ended. I have been posting since my recent doc visit. I really have wanted to stay away, but at the moment, so much love floweth from/through there. I have been touched by several people's posts.
This morning I posted the following. Not sure why I did not just post this here, especially given its length, but it felt like the thing to do. So I did it.
Dis-ease is said to be an illusion. I can believe that. After all, the idea that anything is solid is also an illusion. The illusion of solid, though, is often perceived - and experienced as - reality. Does that make "reality" only something that is perceived as real? I have said I will not deny my reality. Perhaps what I should say is that I will not deny that i am experiencing certain things that seem awfully real. They seem as "solid" as the bed I am in, and as solid as the device I am communicating with. But their perceived structure can be disproven. It can happen. It does happen. Still have questions about things. Told someone last night that I believe there are things we do not fully understand, therefore we only embrace what we think we know. I have to believe my questioning is a good thing, and is never a hindrance to my progress as a human, or as a soul. I wrote yesterday about unconditional love of a parent, regardless of circumstances. I have to believe there is love, understanding, appreciation at all times in all ways - regardless of whether I get to stay in this body much longer, or not. I also have to believe if I am "meant" to be here, nothing I say or do - or don't say or do - will get in the way of that happening. I say these things for myself, but also for anyone else they make speak to. There are so many different perceptions and beliefs that people have. I know there will be those who will see things quite differently. It would seem there must be some purpose for this disparity. Life is made up of disparities. There are so many that are opposing absolutes. How is that possible? Only with the denial of anything that doesn't fit the perspective claimed. Someone can just as easily deny our beliefs and reality, as they can ours. I have gotten angry when my "reality" has been denied. I think that happens for most. Does it matter if it is "real" or not, if it feels real? Maybe it isn't so much that we are meant to deny anything, but perhaps we are meant to find whichever truths we can in the midst of the painful stuff. What those truths may be may also vary. But I am working on learning to be more aware of my energies, and more open to love, and a life without an experience of dis-ease. It already exists. The question in my mind is what purpose does this experience serve? I do believe it showed up for a reason. If nothing else, I got to know me in a way I never knew existed. I also got to "meet" some great people as a result. There is so much good that has come, and I am grateful for. I have been in pain and frustrated and angry, and a bunch of stuff, but I am grateful for what the experience of cancer has brought me and my experience of life.
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