2 More Days

In two days I will be on the road.

This whole situation is quite surreal on so many levels. I spoke with my mother last night about my final arrangements. It is a lot easier to talk about something like that when you think you won't have to worry about it for a while, but then many don't ever do it.

My hope is that I won't need it, but it doesn't take away from the feeling that I have in doing it. What happens to my "stuff" should something happen to me? I don't want to leave my friend dealing with my things. It isn't fair to him. A part of me had considered getting rid of a lot more, but it feels like I would be giving up on some level.

At this point I don't have a huge amount. But I have a considerable amount of things. And what of my "internet stuff"? How do domains get transferred? Should I transfer them to someone now? So many freaking questions.

My sister also suggested I schedule a meeting with another hospital for November regarding the surgery, should I not be able to get it where I am currently going. Oh goodie. One more thing to deal with. I suppose I don't need to do it in the next two days, but the more I get out of the way now, the less I need to worry about on the road- and the less I am likely to forget while on the road.

My mind is all over the place. So many details to work out. I had a thought of something I wanted to write, but it's gone. This stress is not helping. The potential finality of everything isn't helping. It's not like I get to come back from my trip and relax. I go straight for a scan, and then potential major decisions.

I also feel like everything is going to be OK. I so hope that it is not just denial or wishful thinking. I also hope OK fits into some box that I would label OK. I realized this morning that I haven't really said I want to be here. I kinda have, but kinda haven't. How difficult it is to want something one can't have. I wonder if that is why I am not claiming as strongly as I could, and otherwise would.

I keep telling myself that no one knows anything for certain. I keep telling myself that things that move in one direction can move in another. I keep telling myself miracles happen all of the time, and someone has to have them, why I can't be one of them? I keep thinking on some level that while some believe we create our reality, I am not sure just how much that is true. I question how much impact our thoughts and feelings really have. There have been too many things in my life that I have wanted that haven't come to pass, despite being in a certain "space" and way of thinking.

So many questions. So few answers. It is the story of my life. As I wrote that, it occurred to me that if I had a tombstone (which I won't) that would be a good thing for it to say. Funny thing is I sit and think about how I couldn't go back and edit and revisit it, so is that what I would want forever?

I have so much to do today, and I must get on with things, as I know the day will go by all too quickly. But before I go, I want to let you know that if you have supported me in any way, I cannot tell you in words how much I appreciate it. I would like to thank each and every person, and hope that I have, and do, however please understand that there is just so much going on right now, things I want to have happen may not. It does not mean I am not grateful. It just means I ran out of steam or time or even, quite frankly, forgot. I know it may sound terrible to say that, but if you've ever been really stressed and/or had chemo you know how all too easily it can happen.

It is my hope and desire to thank each and every one of you by making this an incredible trip. It is my hope to have the kinds of conversations that matter. It is my hope to bring attention to the kinds of things that would benefit us all. I hope, whether you donate or not, or help or not, you will join me on this journey and that you will follow me across the country. I hope that you will send any loving and healing good vibes you can muster whenever you think of me.

We are all here for a reason that transcends ourselves. We get to learn a lot about ourselves in the process of being something more. I would like to think I will have more earthly time to do the things that I have so wanted to do. I have often imagined having a home that I invite others into and we spend healing times together. I have often imagined the power of those one-on-one interactions. I have already had many, but not in the way I have imagined for a long time. I have imagined writing a book. I knew years ago that I wanted to write a book. I have imagined touring the world as a speaker.

I also imagined other things that never happened so it leaves me to wonder what will come of these imaginings. I have thought that this experience would lay an incredible foundation for an even greater story to be built upon.

I am grateful for the last year and a half because it gave me me in a way that nothing else ever did. It had me doing things that left undone, I would have likely have felt regret for. On some level, I have a bit of a regret that I didn't get started sooner. I held back so much. Now I wonder if there is enough time to share it all.

I have met some really beautiful people in this time, too. They are people I hope to get to know better and spend time with. If those who care about me (including myself) we will all have the opportunity to have me and my offbeat sense of self and humor around for a while.

I do not know how much more I will write before I go, so this will have to do it for a bit. Knowing me I will be back sooner rather than later. It is just the way it seems to go. I have so much I want to say these days. It just flows like a dam that can't be stopped.

Please check this page for details about the trip, ways to donate, get info to me, ways to help me, an incredible healing video, and more. Any willingness you have to post it and share it on Facebook, Twitter, and other places is appreciated. If you believe in me and what I am doing, it is one of the most valuable things you can do to support me.

Last May when I started this blog I had a sense that I had no idea what was coming, but that it would change me in significant ways, and I was right. I could not have planned it or mapped it out. It just evolved through all that has happened. I have the same feeling about this trip, and while it may be the end of one part of my life, it could very well be the beginning of something much more incredible than I can even fathom at the moment.

I was scared back then, and I am scared now - but there is something that feels incredibly right about it all. All of it. A lot of it is not what I would have intentionally, consciously chosen, but on some level I know that it is giving me opportunities to love and appreciate and express myself, and those are gifts I would never want to have forsaken.

I hope that my journey in some way gives you a piece of you. I hope in some way it gives you something in a way that lifts you up, and that you can get without having to go through the suffering and pain and anguish I have. But, if you choose to pay attention, even if it doesn't do any of that, I hope it gives you the me that I have sought to be in the world.

Thank you for your support, love and listening,
with JoLoPe,
Elizabeth

---

Contact Me (Elizabeth Alraune)
Read My Story
View My Vlogs
About this (relate to cancer) Blog - Click Here
Read about where things are currently
Would you like to be a guest blogger?