More Update

So...I know that many of my blog entries are hard to read, and many of my videos are hard to view. For that reason, I suppose there should be an appropriate warning label. I suspect anyone who knows enough about me and my situation by now knows to proceed with caution. I also suspect many even stay away from here for that reason.

Having said that, I am going to tell you that I have no idea what I am about to write, but it is going to be on the heels of a horrible day with terrible news and a video in which I was crying. So...if you want a warning label, you just got one.

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I have been having a sucky time lately. I have been very emotional and on edge, so maybe I knew what was coming yesterday. At least on some level. But I still wasn't prepared. I thought at the very least, I would be able to go through surgery. It certainly seemed a better option to me than chemo.

For anyone who doesn't know, in cases of ovarian cancer, options are limited. I was told more than once yesterday that a lot about ovarian cancer is not understood. I was trying to ask questions in my more "sane" moments about what is going on in my body with the thought that maybe I would try to combat things hypnotically.

It was quite the balancing act. I felt very much like a split personality. On one hand I was falling apart. On the other hand, I was trying to figure something out.

At one point, the doctor told me that I didn't have to be "brave." I wasn't trying to be brave. I just knew that if I started to cry I was going to fall apart. I was trying not to fall apart. But the tears came any way.

People don't handle watching tears fall very well. More than once I was offered a tissue. More than once something was said about watching me cry, and yet more than once that is exactly what a myriad of people did yesterday. They just sat and watched me cry.

I didn't know what to do, either. There were more than likely other people who needed their attention, and their appointments attended to. I am not sure what the benefit of them sitting there watching me cry was. On some level, I suppose they thought they were being supportive.

At one point someone said she wished she had the right answer and words to say. I told her she was off the hook - because there aren't any. There is not a single thing that anyone can say or do that will change any part of my situation or choices I have to make.

So many tell me to go to therapy, counseling, support groups. They seem to think they will help. Maybe they will be for others, but that is not how I feel. Some people don't talk about their situations. They don't talk about cancer. They act like it doesn't even exist. I, on the hand, talk about it all of the time. Maybe that is why I don't want to talk about it in the way people think I "should." We all pick our moments of expression and how we choose to express.

Someone who does not know me will not know that I have talked to I am blue in my face about things. They will not know the extent of my tears and revelations. So many have encouraged me to be however I need to be when it comes to this. They don't already know that I am being however I find is me in the moment.

At times I have felt numb and stoic. At times I have cried. At times I am every emotion under the sun. It's all here. All 900+ entries.

If it is one thing I have learned over the last year and half, it is that I need to be whoever I am, period.

And who I was yesterday was someone who was guarded because she could barely stop crying once she started. I cried with practically anyone I spoke to. All anyone had to do was ask was how was I doing. That was more than enough to get me going.

I was supposed to get another Avastin therapy yesterday. But I didn't. I could not go to infusion. It would have set me off more than I already was. At one point I was sitting talking to someone and I just cried in a way I am not sure I ever have. If the nausea I felt afterward, along with the pain in my gums and jaw, was any indication, then it most assuredly was the hardest cry I have ever had.

At one point, I felt my chest split open. For anyone familiar with chakras, it was right in my heart center. It was like it exploded. I could barely breathe. It was like my breath was caught, and then sobbing followed. It was out of control. It was me in that moment. I wasn't lost in the storm. I was the storm.

That person (and others) went as far as to ask me if I had any plan or intent to harm myself or another. I laughed. And then I apologized for laughing. Of course they had to ask that question. Given what they saw, how could they not. Apparently, if nothing else, law requires it.

I honestly said no. I also added that if I wanted to end things, it seemed that my body seemed all too willing and able to do that for me. On the way home last night, I started to think about what it would take to do it, though. I just can't imagine that there is an easy way to do it. If you go to commit suicide, you might not succeed, only to find yourself in worse circumstances. You could also wind up hurting someone else in the process. Neither prospect is one that I find useful.

Then I started to think about Oregon. If I remembered right, they have a law allowing assisted suicide. I have since found out that 4 states have it: Oregon, Washington, Montana, and Vermont. I wondered if I could go there and get what I needed, if I decided that I wanted it to be the end. Apparently not. You have to be a resident of the state. Apparently the laws were crafted in a way as to prevent people from doing what I might have considered.

Does all of this mean I want to go anywhere?

No.

But I don't want to suffer. I really don't want to suffer. I don't want to suffer from cancer, and I don't want to suffer from chemo. I don't want to see myself dwindle away. I know some think that what I would even consider is horrible. I don't. I don't know why we shouldn't be able to choose that aspect of life for ourselves.

On my video last night I said something about the track I am on. If there is no way to stop it, then maybe I need to just let it happen. "Resistance is futile" comes to mind. So does the idea that resistance often is a source of pain. I am going to die. It is inevitable. For all of us. Some of us just might have a better clue of when and how that might happen.

On a weird level it makes me wonder if that gives us an advantage. Those who aren't as aware just take the ride through life, often settling for those things that wouldn't be settled for if they only lived with the idea that this is all temporary.

I waiver between wanting to do things and not. Wanting to do something and not being able to, due to treatment or illness, is worse than not wanting anything at all. I remember so clearly a moment during treatment last time. I remember it being difficult to move. I remember feeling like shit. And I remember wondering if that was going to be it. I wondered if that was the way my life was going to end. I wondered if I never again was going to be able to do anything that I wanted to. If I never again would be able to travel. See other places.

Before I was diagnosed I had been wondering how I could get in my car and travel. I wanted to drive and see the country. I wondered if any opportunity for that to happen had been dissolved.

I made it through chemo. I made it to "the other side," and started to try to live life. I even tried to get together a trip with Ayngel Boshemia at one point. It seemed like it was the time to do it. Neither one of us had the resources or the energy, and the fundraising campaign fell flat. There was nothing I could do.

I was also struggling, and continue to struggle to just pay the bills ($670 a month, alone, goes to medical insurance). I wasn't sure I should go alone. It seemed that chapter was one to hopefully be revisited at some point.

Last night I started to wonder if I could make it happen on my own. The trip with Ayngel would have required a lot more than it would if I did it myself. I started to wonder if I could somehow get sponsors for a car rental, for gas, for hotels. I could furnish proof of my circumstances so no one would have to think they were supporting a fraud. I started to wonder how much energy it would take to do it. I started to wonder if I could do it.

In the last several months I have not only felt depleted, I have felt defeated. I have felt like I am talking about things no one wants to hear. I wasn't even sure anyone was even paying attention any more. After my simple posting yesterday I was quite surprised by the number of those who responded. It was nice to know that people care. It is really nice, but as my friend Leslie points out, I need more than prayers.

Yesterday I was asked if I had a magic wand right now, what would be of the most help to me? My answer? Money. If I knew that part of my situation was taken care of, it would go a long way in helping me focus on other things.

At this point I don't know how much time I have left. The doctor stopped short of that kind of statement. But the news just wasn't good.

Before I leave I would like to be able to take that trip, and I would also like to be able to write my book. I had given up on the trip, and as far as the book goes, a part of me feels like if it never gets done, at least my words in this blog stand. At least I have had my say.

I don't know how I will be able to write with chemo. It was so hard last time. I was afraid I would never get back to where I once was. I am still not there, but I am hell of a lot closer than I was to be sure.

I have some decisions to make. I have no idea how or when I will make them. I took a step back yesterday, and despite the idea I had to bury myself in a corner today, it ain't happening. A few people on Facebook have reached out to me to support me with energy-type work. Another with an offer to earn some money by promoting her books, and I have wanted to try to respond to those who have responded to me.

But it all takes energy. Lots of energy. Managing this all takes a lot of energy. Please know that I am appreciative of everything, even if I don't respond. It is my intention to, but please understand it is difficult, and I may miss something.

I started a post yesterday that was in part about how this blog was intended to be a way for people to know what is going on with me - without asking. I may have to try to get it posted, as I think it is one that would be good for people to read to better understand what is going on with me, and continues to happen.

If you want to help me, the best way you can do it is:
- Help me get my story out/share this blog.
- Help me get donations
- Help me make a bigger trip happen/find sponsors (or several smaller trips).
- Help me find those who are willing to energetically work with me in exchange for promotion on my radio show (WorldofPerspectiveRadio.com) and here on this blog.

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