The person was trying to be helpful.
There were so many pieces of the conversation that I don't have the energy to go into now, but my short answer is YES.
How many people have pursued a path the majority thought wrong, only to discover some thing or some perspective that was previously unknown?
When my one aunt was still alive, she was trying to tell me that I should not be traveling if I did not have the money. It would seem to be wise advice, right?
Well. Around the same time she was saying that to me my uncle, her husband, died from a heart attack not long after he retired. She was bemoaning the fact that he worked so hard and so long and did not get the chance to enjoy life after it.
I don't think she ever made the connection that I did. On one hand she was telling me to restrict my life while on the other hand giving me a reason to do exactly what I was doing.
We have nothing more than now. I am not saying we should go for broke, but what I am saying is that life isn't always logical. Life doesn't always fit the "supposed to's."
I wish my life had been a bit more "normal," and as it turns out it is possible that my death could be just as unique as my life has been. Of course, as unusual as my life has been, I wound up with a diagnosis that doesn't have the higher incidence stats of many other cancers. Of course.
At every turn I am told by another I am doing something wrong. It doesn't matter what it is. And it did not start when I was diagnosed.
Part of the difference now is that I am more able to say what I feel and do what I feel best - in spite of what other people think. It is still uncomfortable, but I doubt and question myself a lot less. As a result, though, I think I wind up explaining myself a lot more.
I was called stubborn the other day, like it is a bad thing. Some of the times I am most adamant are uncomfortable for me because I am having to stand up for something that may seem to make little, or no, logical sense and only "feels" right.
I want it to make sense, too. But many times I am caught defending something I really don't understand, and am potentially questioning myself.
It sucks. It is exhausting. Having said that, though, I at least do not have the issues and feelings that come along with remaining silent or following another's expectations. I may not look good in another's eyes, but that feeling is better than the not good feeling I get when not following the lead of my inner voice.
Although I would love to not have to feel like I need to defend myself when someone is trying to help by telling me how wrong I am. Of course, when I decline the help and perspective, I am wrong, too.
We have dynamics of our society that have us question ourselves and have a way of labeling people when they do not conform to another's way of thinking. Maybe there are times that other people have a point and we should listen but I suspect that the bigger lesson is to know when we need to be listening to ourselves.
That is one of my biggest lessons right now. What if the people we try to help with our opinions know better than we do - despite appearances?
Of course there are times I wonder if I am wrong, but there are some things that come from times like that, that could not feel more right in the end.
No matter what I choose going forward, there will be those who think I am wrong - especially when I die, provided I die from cancer-related issues.
Everyone has an opinion, and there will be those who will consider my death to be a failure on my part in some way. It is certainly something I question for myself. But the thing is that death does not mean someone has failed to make the best choice. In some cases, it may be that the choice made was the one that felt best or right for the person - despite the outcome.
I have to believe that whatever choices I am making going forward are the ones that are right for me. Of course I hope I live for a while, but if I truly listen, even if I die sooner than some think I should have, I at least learned how to listen to myself before I left. I learned to love and respect myself.
We all die, but I wonder if we all get what we came for. It is interesting to me that we not only judge if a person is living right, we also judge the way a person dies and how it correlates to the timing.
We so love to find fault.
What if there is no fault to find?
What if things occur exactly as they were meant to?
It does seem a bit cruel to offer life and to have it seemingly snatched away. There are things none of us will truly ever understand, and yet we judge things as though we do.
I can not imagine what comes next - whether I live, or die. But, either way, I sure do wish I had some inside information. The closest thing I have that gives me any peace is when I am fully,completely being in the moment. For that is the only place that there is anything that resembles certainty. That is the only place that this life is lived.
Everything else, and the things attached to that everything else, are fabrications. We fabricate what we thought the past was, and we make up stuff about what the future can/should be. And the only thing I truly have on any level is this moment, but then each one breathes and is replaced by the next.
And with that, I am going to get going.I have been at this a while...my head spins when I start talking this way. Or maybe it is just that I am hungry, lol.
Either way, I am about to head north , toward Santa Fe to enjoy some wonderful moments.
No comments:
Post a Comment