Technology is a wonderful thing - when it is working. I keep trying to upload a video to YouTube, and it does not seem to want to work. I am trying via wifi, so I do not know if it is a network problem or a YouTube problem. But any which way you slice it, it might possibly be deemed a problem.
I am sitting in my hotel room, and the windows are open. It has been a beautiful day, but much cooler than it was yesterday. Good thing I went to the beach when I did.
I keep thinking about the things I want to share. I need to catch up, before I fall too far behind. Today, though, I had an interesting "visit" at a shop I went into. Once again, something told me to do it. Actually, it wasn't even really cognitive. I was nearby. I saw it. I turned into the parking lot.
The whole time I was in the store, I though of my Aunt Lynn twice. Once when I saw salt and pepper shakers (she used to collect them, and when she passed away I asked for a set) and another time when I saw a turtle. She used to have lots of turtles. Then, as I was leaving the store, I spoke with the owner, and I believe her name was Lynn. But that fact only hit me after I left.
I am not sure what it meant, but the fact that there were 3 "signs" that had me think of my aunt might mean something. Maybe it means she was with me, or is with me still.
I had an incredible conversation with the woman in the store, and she told me some things about her experience with someone with cancer.She spoke of how she was very much in survival mode at the time, and couldn't do things she has done since. I could so identify, and I think we identified with each other on some level. She gave me a CD to listen to that is already fascinating. One thing it said right before I turned the car off is that for every 1 person who has cancer, there are 4! people who are employed. FOUR.
It is quite an industry.
I have so many questions about things. What is the right thing to do? I keep thinking that the exercises I am having while on this trip are preparing me for any decisions I will need to make. The more clear I am about my feelings, the more I will trust them. The last thing I want to do is make a decision based in fear.
When I think back to last year, I felt fine about a hysterectomy. It definitely felt "right." Chemo, on the other hand, not so much. I am Monday morning quarterbacking now, and second guessing my choice. I am not sure I did the right thing.
At this point, I really do not know what will happen. After this trip I will want to live more than ever, but I will also be more ready to die. I really don't feel like chemo is the answer, which leaves the surgery. I have gotten more open to the idea of it since I first heard of it, but just don't know what I think.
As I write these things, it occurs to me that it is sort of like this trip. I have an idea of things, but there is so much I do not know - until I know. I had never even heard of Dauphin Island until a couple of days ago. I did not plan to be here until I started to come in this direction, and even then I wasn't sure until I started to get closer. I had even debated about spending a second night at the beautiful B&B. Kind of agonized, really. But then a moment of clarity came, and I was certain I needed to leave.
One thing this trip is trying to teach me is to stop trying to plan - anything. It seems that most anything I plan to do ahead of time gets altered. It is really trying to tell me that the only thing I know is THIS MOMENT. I thought I would stop trying to plan places to stay, especially after spending alot of time trying to figure out where I would stay in Mobile, only to pick the B&B on a whim from my GPS, the morning I left.
That is what I thought, but then I went looking for places to stay in New Orleans last night, and did not get very far. I am shooting now for a lesson learned. I am not looking any more before I go there, and I am going to see where it leads me. I have hesitated slightly, as I have already had an experience of being tired an trying to figure out where to stay, and it is not particularly easy or fun. But I am just going to go with it.
Earlier today I was talking to someone about how things are going. The whole idea of "marketing" came up. It is a hot button for me, and it was making me angry. I have never felt good about the marketing dynamic for things. It has just not sat very well. It is something I have struggled with. And now I am in a situation that could potentially benefit from good marketing.
*Shudder*
It seriously makes me uncomfortable in a BIG way.
I am not going to go into it more now, but it is something that is in the background of things as I move forward. My blog and approach are not good marketing, but they are not meant to be. They are meant to be me sharing my thoughts and experiences of all kinds and in all shades. I realize it can be overwhelming.
At the same time, there have been those who have sought to read everything and be exposed to it all. Are they in the minority? Absolutely. Do I want to reach a greater audience? Yes, and no. I feel we all could benefit more from what I am experiencing on this trip. We could all benefit from listening to the inner voice - even when we do not have much more than a hunch that something feels right. Instead we are swayed by bullet points of another to help guide our choices.
I know there is alot going on, and a focus and intention is good. But I am not sure the boxes and labels help. We have just been trained that they do. Of course it is just a theory of mine. But it could potentially partially explain my reaction to the idea.
There have been things I have said recently that have been taken differently than intended. It happens to all of us - all of the time. We hear the things that our filters create. For that reason, I don't know that there is a single way I can say anything that will come across perfectly to each and every person I am exposed to. As I said that, I thought about how maybe "LOVE" could be that thing, but I realize it's not. I say "LOVE" and each person will hear it in some context that will vary from one person to the next. Some will get it the way I intend it, many probably won't.
I think this is an experience in trusting myself - even in the face of dissent. Many of the things that I write that get the biggest, negative reaction are ones that I personally would rather not write myself. It feels like it is meant to be said. I think I am meant to make people uncomfortable, but not as a thing to do, more as something that will serve a bigger purpose in some way. It is not something I choose, but I think it is something that has chosen me.
Quite frankly, it often sucks, BIG TIME.
**
I am sure there is more to say...but for now...several hours later...I need to pack and get things together as I will leave in the morning. It is about 3 hours to new Orleans.
Hopefully I will sleep better tonight...
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