Sorting through the Equations

I have been sitting here the last several minutes trying to write a blog entry. I am already on my third try. This does not happen very often, and this blog entry attempt is actually a first. I usually give up and walk away after a first aborted try. I may do a second version, but I have never gone as far as to have a third version without a break in between.

Some blog entries just write themselves. Actually many of them do. While people may think that my thinking process is just fine because of what I write, that can be misleading. Many times there is no actual thought at all that goes into it. And there are times that when I put thought into it I find myself struggling.

Today might just be one of those times.

I saw a series of comments on Facebook that I wanted to talk about. The problem is I don't know exactly what I want to say. It had to do with "target audience" and "knowing your market." Those are two things that time and time again I am not sure about. It is something that never really resonated for me. There are those who will say THAT is why I haven't been more successful at what I do. I don't necessarily believe it. Of course they could be right, but why do I feel like it is so wrong?

I think there is a part of me that thinks that if we all were better at listening to our inner voice we would have a much better time of things. There would be less confusion in our mind, as we would not have to contend with the parameters of other people's thinking and processes.

In dealing with cancer in the last year and a half, my world has gotten very small. I was telling someone the other day I think it has been a good thing for me as it has helped me to become more clear about who I am and what I think and believe. All too often in the past I have given too much latitude to what other people thought was right or best in general or more specifically in regard to me.

I have become aware of how exhausting that is.

Some might say that I am not open to others right now, and think that that was a bad thing. They may be right that I am not open, but I think I would have to disagree on the bad part. I think there is a tendency to believe that if things are not as we would like them to be, then we are in some way deficient. We are in some way doing things wrong.

I think there is also a tendency to assess things that don't seem to be working as bad things. In actuality, they may just be things. They may be learning things. They may be good things wrapped up in "bad" packaging. Many times we just don't know - especially in the moment.

When do we know when an outsider's perspective is the one we need to hear? When do we know that the reason we don't listen is because we're not supposed to? When do we know that our reason for disagreement is the thing the other person needs to hear from us?

There are times I am so adamant about something. It could not be any stronger. It doesn't feel reactive. It just feels right. It may not be logical. It may not make any type of sense to me or anyone else. But it just feels like whatever I am saying or doing is exactly the thing I should be saying or doing. I saw a quote the other day that said something to the effect that standing up to friends is more difficult than standing up to those you don't know. I definitely have to agree.

Friends think they have permission to tell you things no one else would. Friends think they somehow know better than you do at times. And it could very well be there are times that those statements are true. But there are many times I think that it can only get in the way. Things "friends" say to try to be helpful and "realistic" can often wind up being limiting, and more importantly, WRONG - for you.

I once told a friend that I was working on a number of Cedonaah images. I was doing it because it just felt like what I had to do at the moment. It was not like it was taking me away from anything else I was doing at the time, and I was feeling quite driven. She turned around and suggested that I did not do that, after all artists don't make any money. She was trying to be helpful. It actually pissed me off. I never told her that, though. I think I explained what I just explained here, but that didn't seem to matter. And of course it didn't seem like I was listening to her counsel.

Since then I have made many more Cedonaahs. In some ways, it might be a form of therapy for me. I don't know. But what I do know is that when I do it, it drives me more than I drive it. I go through phases, and they couldn't be more wonderful. The nice thing is that it seems that people enjoy them, and I now have a body of work that maybe I could do something with at some point. Had I abandoned them, that would not be the case. Plus I would have abandoned a part of myself in the process.

The conversation happened with my friend prior to my diagnosis. At this point, I am clearer than ever that I have unwillingly abandoned too many parts of myself over the years that I just don't want to do that any more. Being myself is more important to me than ever. As difficult as that can sometimes be, I think it would be a heck of a lot harder to go back to how I used to be. A part of me screams, "Hell No!"

People act like there are answers to all the questions ever asked. Some act like they know THE answers to these questions. They are the ones, if we're smart, we're supposed to listen to. They are the experts because we somehow think that because things look a certain way, they got them figured out. A part of me doesn't buy it - any more.

Why do so many people go to conferences and seminars with nothing and for others the world changes? If the information was that right, that perfect, why is not every single person walking away in the same, "successful" way?

Many would say it is the fault of the one who walks away without the success. I might agree. But not for the reason that another might think. I think it is possible that the "fault" (if there is one) lies in letting another person's answer replace the one that would be ours. Just because something works for another doesn't mean it will for us. Just because something works for another doesn't mean it is the way it SHOULD work, at all.

I think part of my current struggle is the fact that I am struggling. If I was really "right" about these things, shouldn't I be wearing more of the signs of success? I struggle with knowing I have value when I worry about how I am going to pay my bills. I struggle with knowing I have value when someone doesn't tell me that I am by their actions. A part of me knows I  have value, but another part wonders if I could be wrong about that given there are times I feel invisible to, not seen by, others. If I truly had value, wouldn't that mean people would be paying attention to me more? Wouldn't it mean they'd be paying me more? Contributing to me more?

Can value and struggle co-exist?

Somewhere in my head I think I got it that if I wasn't making the kind of money I needed to, then I couldn't possibly be successful and if I couldn't be successful then I couldn't be valuable and if I couldn't be valuable what is the point of even being here?

That is where I have spent several of my days, at least recently. It wasn't anything conscious, and I am not even sure it is accurate or complete, but it sounds quite possible for me.

Me and money have always had an interesting dynamic. I once said as a child that I wanted just enough money to be happy. I didn't know what that meant then. But I probably meant enough to do whatever it was that I wanted and needed to do. Most of my working life I have probably had just about enough, but it wasn't really enough in some ways. The fact that I am struggling now certainly seems like it wasn't enough.

Even if I claimed success at this stage in the game, I can hear the dissenting voices in my head. I can't possibly be successful. Just look at my life. No one would ever "buy" it. So if I claimed it, I might just be deemed a bit delusional. After all, success is defined by stuff and money most of the time, isn't it?

As I write, thoughts of Ghandi and Mother Teresa and Jesus and Martin Luther King float through my head. Of course value and struggle can co-exist. So then I think about how "value" and "money" seem to be the same thing in my equation, which means that the above question can be re-worded can money and struggle co-exist? In my head, I think I have come to believe the answer is no because I have struggled and I have so little money.

Where did I get this idea of what valuable and successful is? Instead of helping me in a way that might be deemed "good," it has only helped me feel defeated. Maybe the life of struggle that I have had is what makes me a success. Maybe it is time for a new way of defining things.

My head is swimming. My taken for granted equations are being discovered and questioned.  It hurts in more ways than one. But I suspect it is a good thing. Maybe it's all a part of the struggle that makes me the success I am.

I don't quite believe what I just said, but it sounded good and was worth trying on. I'll try it on again once I have worked out things a bit more.

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