Climbing Out of the Abyss

Friday was one of the worse days of my life. Friday I fell off the abyss into despair. I had no control over the emotions that overwhelmed me. For quite a while the emotions were me. I thought for sure I was dying, and more than likely soon would be dead.

The "facts" of that day remain. They haven't changed. But what has is that by allowing that mess to occur (not that I could have really stopped it...or if I could, it would have been reallllly hard) I have now moved through it to a place of relative balance. Yesterday on Facebook I made the comment that it was like being on a whole other continent.

What has happened in the last couple of days has likely had an impact. When I woke up Saturday I woke up to quite a response to my situation. I had comments on Facebook like I have never seen. I had reached out in desperation, even though a part of me didn't want to. A part of me had already surrendered. But there was a part that had not yet given up hope. And that part told me I had to reach out.

The result was a lot of interaction on Saturday, and a lot of things to think about. I didn't have time to wallow in things or to escape them. I was engaged. The part of me that had given up was like, "oh boy, there's work to do. It would be so much easier to just give up." But that part of me wasn't getting an opportunity to really affect things. It was there to be sure. It is still there. But it is muffled by me wanting to believe that everything can - and will be - OK.

I have been feeling like maybe, just maybe, this was the route I was meant to take. Not only for me, but for those who are impacted by the awareness of my journey and their interaction with me. I am thinking that by being "available" and open to the gifts of others, I might just be giving them a gift.

At the same time, I hear a voice in my head that wonders if I am delusional. It wonders if I am setting myself up for disappointment. It is calculating all of those times things did not work out.

And then I think about a trip cross country. It is possible that this trip could save my life. It could not feel more important than it does. It feels URGENT. What will happen? Who will I meet? What will I do? I have barely a clue. A few ideas have floated through my head, none of which I have yet to settle on. A part of me wants to take the leap, the biggest leap of all...the Leap of Faith because I do not have the funds for the trip. To get on the road and not know what is going to happen would be quite the leap.

A part of me thinks that it will be OK. If people see me leaping without a net, will they help? Will they want to help? I don't really know. Despite the despair and urgency of my situation, there hasn't been any incredible outpouring of help. That fact alone has the part of me that is willing to give up saying, "See? See?! No one cares if you are here. You think it will matter if you're gone? You want to think it will, but if no one cares to help you, why in the world would they miss you?" It mocks me. It thinks I am silly to think that I could be important to this world.

And yet. I feel important to this world. I feel like I have a message that I am screaming at the top of my lungs, and people are just walking by with their headsets on, oblivious. I could be telling them they are about to walk off a cliff, but they wouldn't be hearing what I was saying, so caught up in what they are doing.

I don't know that what I am talking about is quite that extreme. But I am talking about the things of life that are at the core of who we are as human beings. If there is no core, or the core is corrupted or distorted, then we are likely headed in a direction most of us would rather not go. But as long as we have our headsets and blinders or blindfolds on, we'll never know, at least not until we are in the midst of it.

I wonder if that is the way things are supposed to be. I have learned a lot by being where I am. Most people learn the most in the midst of devastation. Maybe it is part of the package. At the same time, I think we can still find ourselves devastated even when we are fully engaged and listening. If it is all devastation, what is the difference how we got there?

Maybe, just maybe, there are times the fork in the road is what will save us. That fork can be an awareness that will steer us in the right direction, either through the devastation, or even around it.

So much of my life has been leading up to this point. I have learned a lot over the last several years. I have been open to all kinds of thoughts and ideas and possibilities. I have been called "flaky." I know I am thought to be weird by many. I have perspectives that don't exactly fit what many of us have come to consider the norms. And it could very well be that my appreciation of all things is what is going to save me now. It is what is going to propel me forward. It is what is going to have me go off a cliff again, but this time, (big gasp) willingly.

So often in life we act like we know what is going to happen. It is really more of a hope. We buy that car or that house with the hope that we will remain employed and have an outcome. We plan a celebration in a year because we believe/think/hope that we will be here in a year to celebrate. But we don't really know what can or will happen. We don't. We just hope we do. We just blindly step into things with the illusion that things will be as we plan them to be. Those who don't do this are paralyzed by the unknown. They aren't willing to actually live, and experience many of life's options, for the fear and uncertainty of the unknown.

We don't really know what will or won't happen until we take a step. The conference I went to over the weekend was VERY VERY difficult for me to go to. It took everything I had to go, and emotionally I was wrecked. But by going I met Marijane Thompson. We connected, and had a wonderful conversation.

After my breakdown, she contacted me and offered Reiki. She told me that if we had not met and connected, she may not have been as inclined to reach out. In speaking with her yesterday, I started to get really excited about things. I started to realize what a gift it might be for someone to work with me. I had a lot to give back, in all kinds of ways. I started to realize that this trip I want to take is a great metaphor for life. So many times we don't do anything because it is not practical, but then if we do actually take a step unanticipated "rewards" can follow. I have no idea what is waiting for me in taking this trip, but I will never know - unless I go.

A part of me fears that I will take the step to go without a net. Another part of me is excited to do just that. I feel like I am being pushed to go. There is something that says I ABSOLUTELY NEED TO GO and the cost of staying home will be infinitely greater than whatever it takes to make it happen.

So. Now what?

For starters, I put together a GoFundMe page for this purpose. There was another page that was created when Ayngel Boshemia and I were trying to take a trip earlier this year. She has told me to take the $335 and use it for this trip. So the fundraising has begun.

I intend to make this trip about me. However, I will want to - and will - acknowledge those who help to make it happen. If not now, later. If I am able to find bigger sponsors, I will be sure to include them in what I do as I make my trip. I do not want to feel like I am working during my journey. It is not what it is about. I need to do things that help me rest and nurture me. Having said that, part of what will nurture and take care of me will include others, so how that will look, who the heck knows?

I really hope that people will help me make this happen, even after I get on the road. The $335 is actually enough to get me out on the road for at least a couple of days. I already have someone who told me I could stay with them my first night, furnished with a meal, and $20 to continue my trip.

As I was thinking about this, I was thinking about that is how I have been living the last year and a half. I never know how the months will go financially. I should have been out of money a long time ago. I am closer than I have ever been to running out, but that is not the point, I should have been depleted by now, and it hasn't happened. A part of my mind wants to add "yet." Even if "yet" happens, the last several months have been a miracle.

As I thought about the above paragraph, the thing that would stop me is the car situation. I would take my car, but it needs work. I would really be hate to caught in the middle of no where with an expensive repair. As much of a risk that this trip is, that piece is a bit more of a risk than I would like to take. So that means I have to find either $2100 to pay for the car rental and insurance ($600 for rental/$50 a day for complete insurance and road assistance coverage) or get a car rental place to sponsor me. A part of me thinks it falls into the realm of possible. Another part hopes I am right. Another part is terrified I am right.

All these parts! :P

Amazingly, I am up a lot earlier than I usually am today. So it is still early for me. I have my radio show later today at 4:00 Eastern, and I think I am going to take a trip to the local airport and see if I can stir up some enthusiasm for me and my trip with a car rental company. I am even going to let a part of me entertain the wild notion that not only will they sponsor with a car, and complete insurance, they'll want to provide me money for all of my other expenses, too.

Why not? I have nothing to lose.

As far as your - or other - donations go...I need them, no matter what. I have credit card debt that is hurting me, a $670 medical insurance monthly premium, dental work that needs to be done, car repairs that need to be made. I need help. I am so challenged, I have been feeling defeated. I haven't worked since before my diagnosis last year. If you could see it in your heart to give even $1, it would mean more than you might think, or realize. GoFundMe's minimum is $5, so Paypal would be the $1 option. You can send your payment to ThankYou At Jolope.com. It actually is the best of all options, as it has the smallest fee taken out of it. If you are sending it as a friend, they won't even take a fee out.

Please pass this blog onto others. Maybe someone out there has the ability to be an angel and help. If it turns out that I get more than I could possibly use (I can dream, can't I?) I will use it to do something to help others. There are wayyyyy too many people in my predicament and worse.

If you want to learn more about me, spend time here. There are about 950 blog entries, including videos, here. If you want to see my videos en masse, you can view them at YouTube.com/user/gotstressgetrelief. There is a lot to me, and I have a lot to give. PLEASE help me make this trip happen. I feel like there is a MUCH bigger picture here, and I think it has the potential to make a difference for many more people than just myself. If you do, too, I hope that will be added incentive to help make it a great trip.

Thank you, and please remember every $1 truly DOES count. In addition, please know that just because you think I am strong and resilient, it doesn't mean I don't need help. If I am indeed strong and resilient, what do you think helps me be that way?

Thank you very much to all who continue to be supportive in any way. It really is appreciated. And if you want to help, the best - and most needed way - is money. Even $1 (I really mean it). The second best, please share this with others and engage in the conversation. I talk so much about the stuff we don't talk about because the more we talk about it, the less intimidating and scary it will be. Too many people are affected these days for us to remain silent.

I am doing my best to climb out of the abyss, and hope to have a great story to tell.

Fingers, toes and eyes crossed.

with JoLoPe,
Elizabeth

PS I dedicated my October 7 WorldofPerspectiveRadio show to this topic. If you'd like to download the podcast, you can. Just click here to get it.

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