I LOVE how ready people are to sell my things. I spoke to someone about my debt, and one of the things he asked was that question...what could I sell? It is like I have an incredible stash of valuable things that I can get money for.
Well. I don't.
And...even if I did sell a few things, it is only a little here and a little there. It is not likely to make me a wealthy woman, or solve all of my problems. It might be a band aid on a dam, but that is all.
Tonight I got a call about a supplement I was trying to use. It is not cheap, and at this point, I could not justify spending money on it. There was no proof that it was working. Of course the person recommending it thinks it is exactly what I need to fix me. She was trying to help me and asked if I could get the money some way, from someone. She even suggested that I perhaps get a payment plan from the doctor.
The conversation was extremely stressful. Why is it that people think that someone in my position had not considered possibilities? I explained to her that for months I have been BEGGING for help to survive. I had explored all possible options, and had no idea what else I could do. If I did, I would have done it.
She was persistent.
I would like to think it is because she wanted me to get helped by the product, and not because she wanted to sell it. But there is a part of me that does wonder. She was pulling out every technique of a person making a sales pitch.
I am left feeling annoyed.
I told her I couldn't just close my eyes and keep going. Her response? Why not? My answer? A $700ish health insurance premium. Credit card bills. Concern over the fact that I may only have enough money to get through to the end of the year.
She wasn't hearing any of it.
I suppose if I thought it was helping, maybe I would have to find a way to make it work. After all, that is sort of what I am doing with this trip. I can't afford it, and have not raised enough money for the trip, and yet - I am on the road, making it happen.
At the same time, there is so much going on in my life, and I have to make choices of where I will place my attention and energies. In the last week alone, two other people have offered me solutions. One, at least, offered it for free. I said I would be willing to entertain it, but did not know how it would or could work if I was to have surgery and/or chemo.
I don't like the way I feel. I was removed from the drama of my life before this happened. I am going with the theory that the things that are happening are happening with a reason and intent. Much of it I have been able to just roll with. This, however, not so much - at all.
It is frustrating to have to explain over and over how I cannot afford something, That I do not have options. That I do not have help. It seems many people cannot get that there is a brick wall. But there is, and it is a big one.
Given the nature of my situation I am choosing to ignore the biggest one in front of me. If I am dead in 6 months, it won't matter that I got creamed in the process.
I have really been feeling like things are good. I really am hoping for a miracle. I need one for so many reasons. I have even begun to think about a future that I would love to have. I can only hope that it is one I get to experience. At the same time, I have been given countless examples of how things happen differently than I might like, want, or hope for. And it is not all "bad." And, actually, much of it seems quite good.
There is so much I want to write about. I need so much to be doing more of it. But I also want to read, and watch the sun rise, and take this really long, driving trip. It is very difficult to do it all. But that doesn't mean I won't try.
So...
Having said that, let me tell you what happened Day 2 of my trip.
Ellen told me about a place called South of the Border. It is a touristy stop at the borders of North and South Carolina. She suggested that it would be fun to go there. There was a shop that had some wild hats we could try on. Since I was in a very receptive place, I said, "Great!"
When we got there, it took a bit to get inside. I had a call I had to take, and we had to use the restroom. But once we were inside, Ellen went somewhere, but I wasn't sure where.
I was drawn to a woman who was playing checkers with her son. I don't remember how the conversation began, but I told her what was going on with me. She then said she was a cancer nurse. Where? In the state I receive treatment - at the facility where I am treated. She had been an ICU nurse, and had seen many who had had the surgery I am considering. Many, she said, had done well. She also told me that many have alot more going on than I seem to at the moment, and that if I was to have the surgery it could be a really good thing, as they were encouraging people to do it sooner rather than later, as it then has the best possible chance of having the best possible outcome.
It was wild.
How is it that so many miles away from home we ran into each other? It certainly seemed like we might have been meant to. And then there was the fact that it was only Day 2 and seemed to be building on the events of Day 1.
As I am typing this, I am realizing that details are slipping away from the other days. Today is Day 7. There are 4 days left unaccounted for. I am going to have to really try to remember what happened.
One other thing that I remember at the moment was on Sunday, at the beach. I was going to write in the sand. I started to, but Ellen suggested we move to the pier. I had gotten "LIV" before she suggested we move. So I added an "E," before we moved on.
Later in the day I was on the beach by myself, and along the way I dropped my shoes, but did not realize it. I tried to backtrack my steps, and when I did, I found the two shoes in different places. The wind was kicking them around. The first one I found was on top of the word "LIVE." Apparently I did not realize I was offering myself a message when I did it earlier. I was in awe. I should have taken a picture.
I am sure there are other things, and I am really going to have to make a better effort to write things down as I go. There are some things I have been making notes about, so at least I have something to work from in some regard.
It is nearly 11:30 and I have yet to figure out what I am doing tomorrow. I wanted to get to the beach for a couple of days, but I am also intrigued by where I am. Every time I plan something, it seems to change. It makes me wonder if I should even be trying to plan. I spent time and energy last night and this morning trying to figure out where I was going to stay tonight only to have figured it out when I got to my car and turned my GPS on.
I am thinking I will not know til tomorrow what I should do. I would like to get up at sunrise, too, which is around 7:00. Tonight I was too tired to go anywhere for dinner, so I ordered in. I felt like I should have gone out, but it wasn't like it was a should that was in my best interest, but rather, I "should" go among people. It was, I believe, more my head than my gut.
I have this feeling the next few weeks will go by way too quickly. It is my wish, hope and desire that whatever is accomplished during this trip is exactly what needed to be. There are times it feels easier to believe that is what is happening than others.
And with that,I think I need to get myself to bed. My eyes so want to close, but I am fighting it. There is so much I could do and want to do. A part of me is agonizing over what comes next. Another part is laughing. Why even bother using my energy that way? Things keep revealing themselves to be nothing like what I decided. So maybe I need to stop deciding. Maybe I just need to keep feeling my way through. Maybe, just maybe I will get more done, as I won't be wasting time on something that will change.
I think it may be hard to go to bed without trying to figure something out, but I think I am going to give it my best shot.
And with that, good night.
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