Tonight I was angry and in tears. I was talking to someone I have known for a long time. I have asked him to share about my trip, and what is going on with me. He is reluctant. I understand. At the same time, I asked him to try an experiment and talk to people the thing that nobody nobody talks about. I suggested he could say something like, "I was talking to a friend of mine today. She is on this crazy, cross country trip right now, and is in Texas, and is talking about her experience with cancer." I said he might be surprised that some would use it as an opportunity to talk about cancer. In my case, I often find it is a welcome opening and relief for those I talk to. He did not want to. Fine. I understood that, too.
But then.
Then I realize that despite the fact that I have told him what this trip is about, told him about my blog, and have invited him to learn more - he hasn't. He has no idea what I am doing. He thinks I am just taking a trip that I cannot afford.
Despite the fact that I have told him the seriousness of my news, he just fluffs it away. Despite the fact that I am doing what I can to make a difference for those who are dealing with cancer - or who have yet to have the dilemma - he remains clueless.
I got really upset. If those closest to me can not get behind me, and speak for me, how can I think that anyone will??
A part of me just says it just goes to show how important the conversation really is that I am having, Another part is dumbfounded. How many different ways do I have to say I am in trouble for someone to get it?
He tells me I can't expect anyone to help with the trip - it is not like I am asking for money for food, or to survive. Where the hell has he been since last May when over and over and over I have asked for help?? What he said was not only inaccurate, it hurt to have to try to explain to him how it has been.
On top of everything else, he just bought a new car that he expects to pay off in 18 months. It is his money, and he can do whatever he likes with it, but if a friend of mine was struggling to make it, I would like to think I would be careful about sharing how I was spending my money - especially if I wasn't giving her any.
A part of me doesn't want to share this, afraid of how it will sound. But this is not the first person I would have labelled "friend" that has done something like this. It makes it hard to know what to think of those I would call friend. A friend is not just someone who would give money, but if a friend doesn't seem to think me "worthy" of helping in some way, how in the world am I going to believe that others will?
It doesn't help that today was a long driving day on top of a long driving day yesterday. It doesn't help that I am tired. It doesn't help that there are times I don't know how to balance all that I am having to deal with.
Judge me if you will. I cannot possibly convey all the intricacies of my situation in this blog entry. I have said so much about things the last several months. I have talked and talked and talked, til I was blue in the face. I have tried to explain things, but so often people cannot get a full picture from just one blog entry.
I am just going to ask you to please keep your judgment to yourself. I am feeling fragile enough right now. You may wonder why I am being public with this if I don't want your few cents. Well. It is because when I began this blog I made myself a promise to share everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly. And while I go through what I do, and share it under the public microscope, there are likely many others who deal with it privately, but have no less frustrations with those around them. If my sharing helps in some way, in terms of some awareness or understanding, it is worth it in more ways than one.
Want to better understand my reasons for taking this trip? Read this http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2013/10/about-triphow-to-donate.html
Thanks.
No comments:
Post a Comment