As I type these things I wonder about the fact that there was only a plaoe, or two, I wanted to be so far. It made it easier to make things up as I went along. It still kinda is like that, except that there is a much bigger stroke now. At least it sort of felt that way.
Yesterday I was thinking about how I would like to stay on the road longer. I was thinking about those who travel with the benefit of sponsors. I had thought about it before, but just haven't had the time to put something together for this trip. There was such an urgenoy to get going. The doctors did not give me good news.
When a person is dying, they don't necessarily know it. With the tumor I had, I was in the process of dying for years. I would not necessarily have known anything if it wasn't for the fact that my body couldn't deal with it any more. I could barely breathe at times, was very tired and could hardly eat.
Even at that point, doctors were of no initial use. I was given antibiotics for the cough I had a few months before my diagnosis, told by my gynocologist that my bloated stomach was not her department, told by my GI doctor that everything was more or less fine, that I should eat more fiber - when I could barely eat in the first placel!
So many pieces of the puzzle I look at now. So many signs. Missed.By me. By doctors. This is in part why I am taking this trip and sharing my story with anyone who will listen. Things got impossibly bad, and that is why I had to do something more. I had to be persistent. It is difficult when you do not know what you do not know. You do not know what to do next.
People depend on theirdoctors, but doctors miss the signs. A woman I met online since this all began shared that she had been goingto the doctor for a year before she was diagnosed - in Stage 4.
I know some people make it their mission to educate doctors regarding this cancer. I make it my mission to educate the individuals. One person on this trip told me she knows someone who has a number of the symptoms, and another who said she has some unknown things happening, too. Both may look into what I shared with their doctors. Odds are good it is not ovarian cancer, as it has a much lower incidence rate than many of the cancers you hear about. However, because of that, it is also all too often missed.
Ovarian cancer is called theSilent or Whispering Killer for that reason. I always wondered how I would know if cancer showed up. Well. It whispered to me for years. I now think I was in some way too scared to listen.
I also think that I might not have done some of the things I have done - like move to California, if I had known. It may have held me back. I can second guess alot of what I did and did not do. And I have done just that on more than one occasion.
The thing is that I may never have had this story to tell in this way had things worked out differently. Even though I am in a much more vulnerable place right now, it place of great strength.It makes me stand in a way I don't know I ever could have without it.
I often say my blog is not about cancer; it is about living life. The same thing goes for this tour. It is about fully living in the face of death. We all face the inevitability of death, but very few fully live. It is all too easy to be caught up in the details of life and miss out what it is to really live life. It becomes more about surviving the day.
Right before I was diagnosed, I made a plan to go to the shore for a few days. When I found ouot what was going on, I cancelled the trip. I can't help but wonder now what it would have been like to go. Life got paused back then. The brakes came on as I had surgery and chemo. Life really felt like it was over at some point, but I am still here.
I keep thinking about chemo. A part of me says - practicaly screams, really - NO. I recognize that, and think about how this trip has gone. I plan for one thing, and a different one happens. I also listen to my intuition and I get wonderful things that happen as a result. Much of my life I have been sorry when I did not listen to that strong, nagging feeling.
Sometimes things change, and sometimes they are meant to be a certain way. Those who make the choices that seem to result in their death, may have been making the choices that brought them wherever they needed to be. If I keep heading west sooner or later I will hit the water. But there are so many ways I could get there. Heading west makes it inevitable. No two ways are the same, but there is no way to know which one truly is the best. There are tradeoffs. A more beautiful route might mean more time, but be more expensive when it comes to gas.
I really think I need to give myself permission to do whatever feels right or best - no matter what the outcome. It won't mean I failed when I died. It will mean I listened. It will mean I lived. So many times death is seen as a failure to live. But the biggest failure of life is dying while still alive.
You learn what is important at a time like this. And so few things are. The moments we have are so precious, and yet they are a commodity squandered. I am aware of the comforter on the king sized bed I am on. I am aware of the hum of the fridge. I am aware of the hunger in my stomach, and that the available breakfast will soon be done. I have been at this about an hour now. And I am so grateful for being where I am on so many levels.
I am not sure we can ever fully be ready for a journey of this magnitude. So much of this trip is a metaphor for life. We never really know where we are going. We just think we do. We never know when we will arrive, until we do. We never know what we are missing, until we miss it. We never know what beauty we will find that can never be marked on a map, or scheduled in a planner. We never know when that abrupt change of plan will bring something more wonderful than what we wanted and did not get.
I think there is more to say. But not now. For now, I must get myself together, get something to eat, and get on the road. It is about 5 hours to Austin. I could take a slightly shorter route toward the north, but Austin seems to be calling for some reason. Is it Austin? Or is it someone or some thing along that way that calls?
Yesterday I sought out breakfast, and found a place to share of myself.
Have a wonderful day.
ps...I still can use help to pay for this trip. If you can help, please do...even sharing this blog post or my story helps. Thanks! You can see more info here http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2013/10/about-triphow-to-donate.html
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