Insurance Issues and (MUCH) More

Medicaid is a state run program.

Medicare is for seniors and those on Disability for 24 months. There is uncertainty of exactly when that 24 month clock starts ticking, but it seems to be likely from when Disability was applied for.

Could I be eligible for Medicaid? Probably. Do I want it? It will likely prevent me from being treated where I want to be treated, and from going out of state for treatment.

I am no where near being eligible for Medicare. Although if that was available, I could potentially consider it, but I doubt it would give me what I think I need for treatment.

So that leaves me having to find an insurance plan. Last night I went on the site to get info. I heard that it was finally working. Well, I entered my info, and get the following:

Based on the information provided, we have been unable to verify your identity. Please contact the consumer support center at (855)-xxx-xxxx.

It is after 8:00 pm, but I think, what the heck, let me try. They closed at 8:00. I have been dragging my feet today because I didn't want to deal with this. But after a conversation with those who have been treating me, I realize that I have to get some information if I am going to be sure that my plan will be a plan they take.

Apparently they are in a state of flux, too.

But I will be meeting with them this week to have a consult with a surgeon. I am hoping to find out what I need to know to pick the plan that will work. I am clear that it will have to be a PPO. Beyond that, I don't know beyond the PPO I currently have which ones will work. I am also not clear that just having the PPO that I currently have will be enough.

What a mess.

Even if I was to try to pick a plan right now, it doesn't mean I would necessarily feel confident. Hopefully after I can finally get into the damn site, I can get whatever info they need to tell me whatever I need to know. It concerns me, though, that they seem to have questions. They also asked to see the copy of the letter that I got that my plan is being discontinued. I am not sure what that has to do with anything, but I'll bring it. The person I spoke to said I was the first one to actually get a letter.

This is a big mess. Why, when this has been around in some form or fashion for a while now, has there not been more education? Why has there not been more public education? Why are there no answers in place? A company that would do this would be in big trouble.

It may sound like I am being critical of the government by saying these things. But I would be like this for anything that I was left holding the bag for. I really, really, really HATE when people make decisions that affect me, but don't do it in a way that takes care of me. And not only doesn't take care of me, but also makes things difficult.

I am going to guess that for some people the process will be so easy and effortless. Some people will sing its praises and songs of gratitude for what has been done. I just wish I was one of them. At the same time, I don't exactly want to be perceived to be one of the Critic Choir.

Human beings are fallible. They make mistakes. They're not perfect. Things don't go the way we want them to, and even go the way we want them to, but then it's not what we want. We just didn't know it until we were facing it.

I tried to call that dang number today. After several tries, and being told that my call couldn't get through, and that I should try again later, I was told that most everyone is getting that message about not being able to be validated because they are having issues with the system and are working on it.

So not happy at the moment. Fed up. Frustrated. As terrible as it may sound, I wonder what it would be like to just not do a damn thing. How would my life be? How much would I have left? I have thought about this, even without this hassle.

It's not that I want to go anywhere, but if this is what life is, it really sucks. I used to be fearful of the "death" conversation. There is a part of me now that just feels like it is a trip I will eventually take that will take me away from all of this mess. And when I think of it that way, it really doesn't seem so bad.

I remember reading about a woman's father who had several health issues. He was dealing with a myriad of doctor and medical things and I guess he had had enough. He said something to her about how they shoot horses. It seemed he wanted to be put out of his misery.

I doubt I am anywhere near where he was at the time, but it scares me that I could be in no time. The medical profession tries to fix everything. In the process it messes other things up. Side effects seem to be an acceptable par for the course. One thing happens which creates something else and yet another something, and medications are piled on.

I don't want that to be me.

I sometimes wonder, given how things were when I was first diagnosed, how much longer I had. I suspect it wouldn't have been long, and that I would have been sleeping most of the time, and in pain the rest. But I think it might have been over pretty quickly, relatively speaking.

Most of the time I am grateful that I have had the time since then. It gave me an opportunity to be me in a way that never would have been had that yellow light been a red one. But I am emotionally, physically, financially drained. I am trying to swim in many humongous waves that threaten to overtake me, and many that do.

Are we really meant to live a life embroiled in the details of just getting through it? Are we really meant to survive at all costs? Is disease more of a speed bump or is it more of a STOP sign? We seem to treat it like it is a speed bump. I guess whether we are meant to be here in the first place and how long we stick it out might be up to us. It may not be a conscious decision, but it may be one our soul made a long time ago. And, like any other thing, maybe it is something we think we control but we have nothing to say about what will be. We will think that y happened because of x when it just so happened that y happened, and so did x.

Some will say the flap of a butterflies' wings on one side of the world will affect another side. Those who believe that believe that everything in the world is connected. I wish I did. But there are so many things that despite my desire, attention, focus never happened. I suppose those things I wanted could have been connected to my desires with bad wiring, but connected none-the-less. But when you don't know what the problem is, or you can't fix it, or don't know how to fix it, or it isn't fixable in the first place, does it matter how things are connected, or if they are, or...?

Does anything matter, really? Or do we just think it does?

Yeah. I know. This is pretty heavy stuff for a blog entry about a stupid technical glitch. How many of you might even be thinking, "get a grip"? The thing is that we can only take so much before that one last little something is too much.

I think about the game Jenga. Everything starts out pretty secure. Little by little the balance shifts. Little by little the shape changes. Little by little there are holes where there was once support. You keep going, even when you don't want to. You may move more slowly. More intentionally. You hold your breath. You hope that your next move doesn't in some way topple the fragility you see. That is kinda like how it feels to be me. But instead of being on a table for easy viewing and display for others to be able to see it, that "structure" is inside of me where most can't get at it directly. But others still interact with it, without knowing. Some things may strengthen what is there, but others threaten to demolish it. All the pieces appear similar, what could make one more important than another? You do your best to prevent a collapse, but sooner or later the structure will. If you are fortunate, it won't be when you are doing the shifting. There are times some may only see what they always saw, and have no idea about the holes, the gaps, the leanings, the threat of falling apart.

There are times I feel the need to tell people about my inner Jenga. If I don't they won't have a clue of what I am facing. I have been doing that a lot lately. Much more than I want to. There are times I wish I would just shut up. I know people don't want to hear it, or want to fix it, and most don't get it even if they are patient enough to listen.

I have had more than one person tell me that I need to ask for/be open to support. I have asked and asked and asked and asked. I have had people tell me that I need to let people support me however they feel they can - even if I don't feel like it is helpful to me. I don't know what to do. No one will know I am drowning unless I tell them. Ironically, many people who drown, drown silently. The people around them don't even have a clue that they were struggling.

It has taken everything in me to speak up like I have. Everything and then some. But even with the talking, the sharing, the exposure I still find myself in trouble and don't know what to do. A part of me says I have to stop saying that. I think I really need to write that damn book. It may not be great. It may suck. But so what?

It occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, I haven't written it because once I go that route, and I have "tried" it, my arsenal will be empty. I will have tried everything that I held back on over time. And while I keep saying I don't know what to do, maybe the book is the "thing" that needs to be done. And, if I do it, and the arsenal is empty, and the book goes no where, I really won't have a clue of what to do next.

But who knows how much time I have left? What if my protecting this last little bit has me never do it? As I say that I think about how I have this blog. How even if the book is never written, my words are still shared. Something about this is definitely holding me back.

Maybe it is time I stopped holding back.

(There are tears in my eyes).

The pessimist in me is not sure if anyone will really care. But for the moment there is a part of me that seems to, so maybe that is all that really matters.

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