Saturday, August 22, 2015

A First

There is something being cooked downstairs that is radiating up to my room. Even with the fan on, and the window open, it is a strong odor.

"Normally" I would probably think it smells good. Most cooking to me does. 

The problem is this apparently is not a "normally" moment. The odor is making me so sick to my stomach.

I even asked my friend to please open a door, a window, turn the fan on, something, anything, in the hope that it would be less dense. Even with whatever he did, I still smell it, so I hate to think how it would be with none of that.

This reaction surprises me. I have not once had such a strong reaction to the scent of food since being on chemo. I may not want to eat. I may have only a little appetite. I may even feel somewhat nauseous, but it was never before connected to the scent of cooking food.

I have heard of odors affecting some, but until today, a little while ago, it was only second-hand knowledge. (Add it to my checklist of cancer/chemo experiences. Oh goody! The list just continues to grow.) 

I have no idea if it is just a momentary/coincidental thing, or if it might be the scent of a particular spice encouraging it. And that sucks, as I have no way of knowing how to mitigate a second occurrence.

With any luck, maybe I will get lucky, and this will just be an awful one time thing. I really hope I am lucky. I hate the way I feel. Oddly, not only am I nauseous, but my stomach is hurting in a way it didn't before all of this. Not sure how that can happen, or if it is connected, but DANG.

I just want my stomach to be OK. I have been trying to be as OK as possible, even eating when I really don't want to. 

But there seems there was a greater reason other than nausea, and just not wanting to eat, for me to refrain from eating these last few months. It seems my stomach is just not particularly happy with food. The problem lately, though, is that it is also not particularly making me happy without.

I cannot seem to win. And I am very much at a loss.

If I at least knew "x" was causing the problem, maybe I could either try to address it, or perhaps just resign myself that for several days each month I will barely eat.

It is the chemo causing issues. It "attacks" fast growing/reproducing cells, which happen to include the digestive tract. 

But what problem is it causing? Is it constipation making me feel this way? Something else? A combination of somethings?  And then there are other issues I seem to be having. I am wondering how well my food is digesting.

I am still dropping bits of weight, but still hover around the 10# mark since this all started. Since I am eating in bits, and randomly, it would seem that over all I am not eating as well as perhaps I "should."

I still am OK about the weight loss, but not so OK with how it is being precipitated. So much of our mind and body's well-being is in our digestive system. It is no wonder on every freaking level I feel like crap.

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