Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Pales in Comparison

A little bit ago, I got up from bed to go downstairs. I only walked a couple of feet, and realized that it was going to be an incredible challenge to make it. I could barely stand.

I suspect it has been bad like this before. I just never pushed myself to move at that point. It is like standing and walking with incredible weights on my legs and feet. It is almost like I have no control over them. It is really hard to describe, and quite scary.

I pushed through, and just moved V E R Y slowly. I really felt like I could barely move. I even felt a bit like I might lose consciousness at some point. That feeling was new. Would I have to call out to my friend for help? He was watching TV, and was pretty much oblivious to what I was dealing with in those moments.

I got a little something to eat, and then managed to make my way back up to my bedroom. This is in some ways all too typical to what I deal with. I am just more awake than I have been other cycles, so a part of me has less patience, I think. On top of that, my body has other ideas and demands when I am conscious then when I am asleep most of the time.

It really sucks. I can say I will try not to think about it, but it is extraordinarily hard not to. The only way I could stop thinking about it would be to find a way to sleep more and/or shut off the part of my body that tells me how uncomfortable I am, and that I need to eat/do something about it. Don't think either one of those things are going to be happening. 

The worst thing about these feelings is that there is no predictability. They just hit when they hit, and I have to deal with them. I don't want to. I'd like to deny them. But, unfortunately, those things don't matter. This chemo world has a freaking mind of its own.

"Weakness" is considered a side effect. It really is a PROFOUND weakness. You may think you know what weakness is, but my guess is that most of you reading this really have only a faint of idea of what weakness really feels like. I am basing this thought on the fact that I had never experienced anything like this before - ever. And if you had asked me if I knew what weakness in the body was like pre-Cancer/treatment, my guess is I would have told you yes. I probably would have thought I knew with other treatments. 

But it all pales to what currently is.

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