Friday, August 28, 2015

I Did Not Want to Do It

I did not want a third cycle of this chemo. It has kicked my butt in a big way. I did not want more. I wanted to stop. 

But I "compromised." I decided to do a third cycle with the intention of getting off, and seeking to get on the road again.

But I am having issues. The side effects have me weak, and bent over. My stomach hurts when I eat, and hurts worse when I don't. Sleep has been sporadic and difficult. I am having a hell of a cough that is also sporadic, so I do not take anything - unless it won't stop.

My hands are now red-ish, and slightly itchy. A look online tells me that "my" chemo can have this potentially horrid side effect. Hoping it gets no worse than it is. Some get to the point they can't use their hands. Say what?! I would be in big trouble if things got that bad.

I am also potentially a month away from a trip. If I am gonna go, I got stuff that has got to get done. That is so easily said. But when I can barely move or stand, and haven't left the house, that is more than a bit problematic.

This trip can be only a shadow of the last one - if even that. I have considered going up and down the east coast in 2 hour increments. 

The last trip my average was 4 hours a day. There is no way I could see doing that now. Fact is, I am counting on being away from chemo to be enough to allow me the little bit I am wanting to plan.

I am also hoping I have the desire and energy to be out in the world, and hope not to find myself crawling from hotel bed to hotel bed. Outside of not making the trip itself, this is my greatest fear/concern at the moment.

The last trip was also wearing. Most nights I was somewhere new, which meant having to always figure out where I was spending the night. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is not the easiest thing to do if you want safe and clean and have budgetary concerns. I sometimes agonized, and other times just said, "what the hell?" The anguish and energy was just not worth it.

I had thought about going to one place, and just settling for a month. That idea sounded good, at first, but I could just not commit. Funny thing is it is sounding good to me again.

But maybe it isn't a good idea because maybe I will find myself never leaving there, the same way I never leave here. And that would seriously suck. Maybe having to get up and go will be a good thing for me, as long as I am not miserable in the process. 

I have ideas for this trip - at least one - that I'd like to share with you. I haven't because it is still cooking. Maybe I should start to talk about it, though, just to see what, if anything, may come of it.

I guess the fact that the trip feels quasi uncertain may also come into play. That, and the energy it would take to talk about, plan, and develop my idea which I just do not have at the moment.

As is all too usual, I am laying in bed as I write, and this is where I have spent the better part of the day. Maybe that has a lot to do with why I can't sleep here. This is where I am too busy living most of my life.

Oddly, perhaps, I am feeling pretty sleepy. I think I would appreciate these times more if I did not feel hijacked by them, or wonder if I give in if it will affect my ability to sleep tonight.

For someone who used to love late nights, I am now miserable. There is not much I can usually do, and I usually wind up feeling pretty sick, unable to do anything about it. I am very grateful in the morning when it is clear that sleep finally decided to show up. 


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