Sunday, August 23, 2015

There are times...

There are times I think I'd just be doing everyone a favor by leaving this place. For some I seem to be more of a second-thought or afterthought. Others just don't talk to me. 

Of course this isn't everyone, and those who hear the tunes I sing know them by heart, and don't necessarily want to hear them again. I understand that, however I don't have the same "luxury" of leaving it behind, or putting it to the side, or ignoring it. I am LIVING it.

Earlier today I was talking to someone who was trying to help me by telling me that my life currently is "fighting cancer" as a way of telling me that I DO have a life. While I sort of understand what they were getting at, it really did not help.

As an example, a few hours ago I was laying in bed, getting hungry. The only thing I could think of without getting nauseous was Chinese Food. 

To get it, however, involved a process so many think nothing of. First, I had to move. Secondly, I had to get out of bed. Third, I had to make my way to the menu downstairs, and find my friend to see if he'd receive the delivery, and then I'd have to place the order. Then I would come back up to bed until it arrived, to return to go eat.

What I did not anticipate, nor plan on, was how much eating was gonna wipe me out. It was like I had done some extraordinary work. I could barely talk or stand.

I am back in bed, and even though I had hoped to feel better, I now feel sick in a different way.

Sadly, this is not much unlike other days are for me. This is all too typical, although perhaps a shade worse. Some days it is amazing I can function at all.

This friend, who is currently unhappy in his job, tells me I am not the "only" one with no life. While I am not wanting to get into a pissing contest with anyone, there is a difference between his no life and mine. There are actually a few differences:

1. He chose his current circumstances. I did not choose cancer.

2. He may have "no life," but at least he is healthy, and isn't intolerably sick and emotional most of the time.

3. He can change his circumstances. I can't just "change" to a non-cancer person.

4. His situation has an end in sight, potentially with awesome upside, making it all (hopefully) worth it. I see no end, and the only end docs see is likely to be death. 

I understand he is miserable right now. In his world there is a big suckfest going on. I get it. At the same time, I am dealing with "no life" with an appendage that is a huge, blinking, neon sign that says, "cancer." It is a whole other dimension that is unfathomable to most - so much so, it is often discarded without much thought (but not necessarily maliciously or purposefully) because what is similar is being focused on.

It is an impossible situation sometimes for me. I want people to appreciate what I am dealing with, but it often falls short. And when it falls short, I run the risk of a pissing match, or the other person feeling like I am disregarding their situation.

I am just desperate for people to understand just how desperate and miserable I sometimes am. But I am not sure they ever will understand. I am not sure they can. They may be able to come to the neighborhood, but I really am not sure just how close they can get to where I actually stand.

And it sucks. It sucks because I often feel that lack of understanding has me feel like a burden. It has me feel like a lot of unwelcome and unwanted things.

Do I blame anyone if they feel that way? Not one bit. But what am I supposed to do? How do I deal with the stuff I can't seem to detach myself from? How do I live with the stuff that so many have grown tired of, or don't know how to deal with - and so, don't?

Someone I know has dealt with major health issues for 20 years. In between horrendous moments have been some crappy ones. There has been good, but there hasn't been much life lived in between. She said she is not sure why she is still here.

As she spoke, I knew a lot of what she has felt. The biggest, most obvious, difference is the fact that it has "only" been 3+ years for me. How has she done it? I have considered being willing to give up and give in more times than I can count at this point.

I wrote the above earlier...

It is now late, and I am laying in bed, and am miserable and in pain. Guessing it may be something of a gas issue. Hoping that is "all" it is.

As I writhed in pain, I started to cry. I can't take this. The chemo is making me miserable in so many ways. And it is not "just" miserable. Miserable wouldn't be so bad compared to the ever present awful, sick feeling I have. And when pain jumps on the bandwagon it just sends me over the freaking edge.

And, of course, it is the middle of the night, and I am alone, and sad and scared and a myriad of emotions and feelings and a huge pot of stuff that I have to deal with alone. If only there was someone here to hold me and make all of this just go away for even a little while.

Times like this really push me to the fragile edge of this life.

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