Thursday, August 13, 2015

I want off

Can you feel numb, and be on the verge of tears at the same time?

I found myself wondering what it would be like to ride the subway to the end, only to ride it to the other end. And then just do that repeatedly. Repeatedly for a day. Repeatedly, period.

Would people notice? Would anyone care? Could i just get "lost" in the train world?

Can I just drive off into the sunset? Can I just get lost to the world? Would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would it matter in any way?

What would it be like to walk into a forest, and not find my way out? It would seem a rather gruesome end. Not sure I could do that. But it has crossed my mind more than once.

What would it take to save my life in regard to cancer? Is it the same, or different, thing that would save my life, period?

I think about stopping treatment. Would that be the end of my life, or the beginning of my being able to live? 

I am certain this horrible place I am in is chemo related. It robs me from me. It robs my energy. My desire. It robs me of everything, except for my momentary existence.

This is no life. And if this is no life, does it really matter if I am here? In some ways, I feel like I am already gone.

I thought about a "The End" doodle. It seemed rather dark to contemplate.  It occurs to me at the moment that it could also mean "the end" of cancer. The end of all of this damn suffering. It could represent a "good" end.

I dunno. The only thing I do know right now is that I am on a treadmill I desperately want to get off, without hurting myself in the process.


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