As I was painting this, thoughts of all kinds were going through my mind. I realized something I never thought of before: I want to know I matter.
That isn't exactly new by itself. What is new is what came along with it this time. I realized on some level a part of me is desperate to matter now because if I don't matter now the odds of me mattering at any time - even after I am dead - are likely minimal.
Taking it further, the fact that I often feel invisible translates on some level to "not mattering." After all, how can you matter if no one interacts with you, or seems to appreciate your existence?
I further realized - with much sadness - that you can't MAKE anyone love or care about you or remember you. Just like there is no magic formula to get into a relationship with someone, there is no magic formula to determine worth, or ability of others to remember you, or care about what you cared about enough to remember you.
I suspect when most humans get in touch with their mortality in any sort of "realistic" way things like this show up. I suspect we all want to know at the end of the day that we mattered.
For those who have really close friends, or good relationships with their family, or who have children, or have a significant other, there is likely to be more "mattering" feedback than for someone who has none of that.
Of course, it isn't "perfect," as all too often we can suck at telling those who matter to us that they do, but the chances of appreciation are certainly greater.
I see people around me moving on with their life, and I am sitting here, not a part of it, and am relegated to watching. There have been times in my life this has already happened; but it is different now.
It is different for the fact that I am not able to do the same, and maybe never will be able to. It feels a lot different, and is hard to explain - especially to those who think I can choose my life, just as they can.