Saturday, August 1, 2015

Past Vulnerable

I am feeling so much pain, and I do not mean physically. I often have told people what we often experience has nothing to do with the current moment, or current people. 

For a while now, being alone has been triggering me in a huge way. It has been taking me all over my personal life map.  It has had me sad, in tears, and feeling devastated.

It has felt like more than meets the eye, but I have been too immediately focused to really look at anything else...to consciously consider the torrent under the surface. They are things I have faced before, but it is more intense now, more dark, more depressing because of now having to deal with the role cancer plays in the mix.

And while I can logically state all of this, I have no clue what to do with it or about it. If only logic was enough to handle things. We act as though it is/should be. But, if anything, it often is only a band-aid on a gaping wound.

I suspect the fact that I can't just seem to  "shake" how I feel means there is something lurking. The depth of the emotion, and the nature of it, has me think it is something devastatingly huge. 

It also doesn't help that I feel like it takes me down to a place past vulnerable, and has me feel helpless. It has me feel like there is no point, no reason to care, nor bother. It is destructive, and feels like it  could all too easily destroy me.

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