Saturday, August 29, 2015


You know how sometimes you can "play" a situation for effect? How sometimes you may look or sound worse than perhaps you are to get attention or sympathy?

There are times I wonder if unconsciously I could be doing that when my friend is around. I feel like I am moving so insanely slowly. I am bent over. I am barely able to function.

But, here's the thing: I do that even when I am alone. (I also have times there is no way in hell I could move that slowly, even if I wanted to. I wouldn't have the patience).

Just a few minutes ago I was hobbling up the steps. I had shuffled downstairs to feed my friend's cat, and I was walking funny, slowly, breathlessly, and shuffling.

As I came back up, I tried to hold on to the railing, but it hurt my hands, given whatever is going on with them. (Still hoping they do not get any worse. Saw some pictures of major peeling and blistering. How would I function?)

So my hands could not help me pull myself up, or support my weak legs. I went even more slowly than usual. And then, I felt something in my right knee. A cramp? Whatever it was, it weakened my right leg, and slowed me down, even more.

What if I couldn't get up the steps? My phone was upstairs. 

I had a moment I could have lost it. I felt very close. But it was there, and then it was gone.

Moments like these scare the shit out of me. It is possible I will soon have to find a place to live, and I wonder if I can make it on my own. A place without steps would certainly be a big plus. But, even still, I can't do anything outside of the house. If I needed medicine, I wouldn't be able to go get it. The same with food, or any other necessity.

What is affecting my hands could potentially affect my feet. I can't take care of myself, if I can't use my hands or feet. It is already hard enough, as it is. At least if someone is married, or has nearby supportive family or friends, they can get help in a time like that. I do not have that.

I am feeling emotional, but the tears haven't come. Am I holding back? It is like they are there, but somehow not.

I am feeling gassy, and my stomach is miserable. I know I need to eat something, but very little feels appetizing. I decided on a homemade pizza, and the crust is currently defrosting. I should look forward to eating it, but the fact is it feels much more functional at the moment.

I also need to put it together. I would love some homemade pesto with it, but that just ain't gonna happen, short of some incredible burst of energy. I will be lucky enough to have it at all. But the defrosting takes a bit, so it will be a while before I get to that part.

I have tried to have ready-made food for myself, but even "ready-made" isn't instantaneous. It is so hard to not know when I can stomach eating, only to find I need to eat ASAP. I usually wind up dealing with the latter scenario, as eating when I don't want to just doesn't work.

Sometimes I wonder why I tell you these things. I am guessing there are many who read things like this, but couldn't care less. For some it may be TMI. 

Maybe I just hope somewhere out there there is someone who will not only care, but care enough to do something to help. Sad to say, a part of me thinks I am just crying out in the dark.

Another part might just be trying to be helpful, trying to explain the kinds of stuff someone deals with. That part of me is pretty persistent, although another part of me can't help but wonder why I even bother.

In the end, I am sitting here, alone, in pain, tired, and miserable. And most who will read this are out in the world, living their lives, blissfully unaware of what that person, in that house, on the second floor is dealing with. And, quite frankly, I suspect that is probably the way they like it.

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