Friday, August 7, 2015

Get Help

Today a friend trying to be helpful told me to get help. He thinks I am depressed.

Well. He is right. I am depressed. But getting help won't help. A therapist doesn't get magic words or a magic wand with their degree. Talking to someone is not going to change a damn thing about my life. And it is the mountain of a myriad of things that I am facing that is affecting me. That, and the chemo. If I stopped the chemo it might mentally help me, but then there is the no small issue of no treatment to face.

The situation is overwhelming me. 

Some have suggested medications to help. Many medications not only have depressive side effects, but my guess is that they won't work for me. Most don't, and often make things worse. I don't fight the idea of medications just because. I fight them because if a person is going to have an issue with a medication, it will be me.

I even found out I was allergic to a medication when an arrogant hospital doctor (I think) insisted that I needed the medication I did not want to have. I gave in. The next day I had a red rashy reaction all over my body. I wound up finding out that it was unnecessary, on top of everything else.

The medications they have given me for nausea trade one symptom for another. 

When I was in 7th grade I was forced to take a medication because I was having issues, and that was the way they felt they needed to deal with them/me. Whenever possible I would not take the full dose. On some level, I think I knew I was right, and they were wrong. I can't remember feeling better for taking it. Maybe if I had I would have felt differently.

When I feel strongly about something, there is usually a reason.

For some odd reason, I said yes to the doc who offered me medicine for constipation. It was even a fairly easy yes, too. But then, I couldn't have been more sorry for saying yes. I shut that down so freaking fast.

Did I say yes because I wanted an easy fix? It sure sounded like one. 

I am tired of the battle. I am tired of having to medicate because of other medications. I hate that our medications have crap in them that they put in our food, too, and that I have no choice but to use them if I am miserable and need help that way.

You see how you feel - and how well you do - when you need to keep doing things you don't want to do that affect your emotional and physical well-being. There are times I am already kind of numb. I don't need a medication to "help" make that worse...which some can do.

How do I know what's what, unless I try? I suppose I don't. But I also am not up for messing with myself that way. Just because others might feel better doesn't mean I will.

When it comes to medicines, I am usually right. The times I have a choice, and do not listen, I get reminded just how wrong I was.

Feeling emotionally volatile is no fun. Neither is feeling worthless or unloved, but I do not see how a pill is going to change the circumstances that have me feel the way I do. 

No thank you.

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