Saturday, August 1, 2015


My life has been a mess from Day 1. Things have never been easy, and have often been quite difficult. Those who have heard my stories have often been amazed that I have managed what I have.

I share this because I am acutely aware of the fact that I am sharing the darkest parts of me - especially lately. I have seen something to the effect that a person doesn't cry because she is weak; she cries because she has been strong too long.

I don't know if I'd say I've been strong, but I have definitely had to deal with a lot, on my own, for a very long time, and most of my life. In some ways, I am just not sure how much more I can do, how much more I can take. And it is one thing to do it as a "healthy" person, it is altogether different when I am not sure I can take care of myself. It is getting more difficult.

I also think about the "whole" life thing because of the fact I am making "being alone" equate to "not being wanted." I realize it is not quite the same thing, but it is an equation I am currently aware of. And when I think of "not being wanted," it goes back to the beginning.

A young, unwed mother. A older father, married to another woman. A time that things like that were hardly the "norm," and likely quite scandalous. I did not even know who my father was until I was about 13. Half of my identity was kept from me as a secret. 

My mother tells me she was told I would be better off with my grandparents, so she listened. For reasons I don't want to share at the moment, I am not sure she even wanted me, any way. And if the baby in the womb "knows" things, I suspect that could be at least in part why I have spent my life trying to be quiet, not controversial, and trying to hide. If I wasn't welcome, why would I feel like I should be here, and have a presence?

Putting any "woo-woo" stuff aside, not growing up with one's parents would be enough, I think, not to feel wanted. Why wasn't I with my PARENTS? I am not sure if I ever wondered, "What's wrong with me? Why don't they want me?" However, the thought of those words/questions right now have me crying. So, asked, or unasked, I would suspect it is a part of the framework that has become who I am.

Did I not deserve to be loved and supported?

So much of this hurts many times over, as these are the same types of questions I have had consciously/unconsciously about relationships/lack of relationships over the years. 

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1 comment:

  1. We are definitely made up of those elements of birth. They're out of our control but they color some of how we interact with the world. You have done what you've needed to do make your way in life. I don't have any advice or suggestions but I do hear you. I know that isn't enough by far.