Digging

My life has been a mess from Day 1. Things have never been easy, and have often been quite difficult. Those who have heard my stories have often been amazed that I have managed what I have.

I share this because I am acutely aware of the fact that I am sharing the darkest parts of me - especially lately. I have seen something to the effect that a person doesn't cry because she is weak; she cries because she has been strong too long.

I don't know if I'd say I've been strong, but I have definitely had to deal with a lot, on my own, for a very long time, and most of my life. In some ways, I am just not sure how much more I can do, how much more I can take. And it is one thing to do it as a "healthy" person, it is altogether different when I am not sure I can take care of myself. It is getting more difficult.

I also think about the "whole" life thing because of the fact I am making "being alone" equate to "not being wanted." I realize it is not quite the same thing, but it is an equation I am currently aware of. And when I think of "not being wanted," it goes back to the beginning.

A young, unwed mother. A older father, married to another woman. A time that things like that were hardly the "norm," and likely quite scandalous. I did not even know who my father was until I was about 13. Half of my identity was kept from me as a secret. 

My mother tells me she was told I would be better off with my grandparents, so she listened. For reasons I don't want to share at the moment, I am not sure she even wanted me, any way. And if the baby in the womb "knows" things, I suspect that could be at least in part why I have spent my life trying to be quiet, not controversial, and trying to hide. If I wasn't welcome, why would I feel like I should be here, and have a presence?

Putting any "woo-woo" stuff aside, not growing up with one's parents would be enough, I think, not to feel wanted. Why wasn't I with my PARENTS? I am not sure if I ever wondered, "What's wrong with me? Why don't they want me?" However, the thought of those words/questions right now have me crying. So, asked, or unasked, I would suspect it is a part of the framework that has become who I am.

Did I not deserve to be loved and supported?

So much of this hurts many times over, as these are the same types of questions I have had consciously/unconsciously about relationships/lack of relationships over the years. 

Ps If you'd like to subscribe to my posts, just enter your email address at this link http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/VVPeD or here https://feedburner.google.com/fb/a/mailverify?uri=blogspot/VVPeD

Want to know more about me?

http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2013/01/about-this-blog.html