Monday, December 10, 2012

I Thought I Had Hit the Jackpot

I thought I had hit the jackpot.

For a while there was a guy, we'll call him "A," that
I was entertaining the idea of a relationship with.  
It started before I was diagnosed.

Given a number of factors, it was a less than ideal
situation, so I was really just trying to appreciate it
for what it was.  And what it was - at times - was
so heavenly I thought how amazingly fortunate I
was to have him in my life.

Several people, including myself, questioned whether
it was a smart thing to invest in.  But, at the same time,
I thought if there was someone that was that good to
me, how could I not at least consider it?

We hit a bump in the road earlier this year - still pre-
diagnosis.  It was a pretty significant one, but we 
managed to get through it.   

And then...

One day in May he gets a call.  I am crying.  "I have
to tell you something.  Please don't leave me.  Well.
If you need to, please just tell me now, please don't
just disappear."

I tell him that I likely have cancer.

He tells me, "We will get through this."

As I go through my surgery and am diagnosed he is
there with me.  He is so sweet to me.  He even 
hypnotizes me at times to help me with my stress

I acknowledge how wonderful it is for me to know
that he is there for me.  It means everything to me.
In the midst of those who won't talk to me, or those
who feel weird around me, or those who tell me
things that aren't helpful, he is a person that I can 
just talk to and be me.  

He is a person that sees me as I am losing my hair and
eyebrows and eyelashes and sees me with no makeup
and when I first wake up and tells me how beautiful 
he thinks I am.

Occasionally I tell him what someone else said, and
he tells me that he already said it.  I tell him, I know.
I say it just reinforces his perspective and wisdom.

When I had my port put in, he was with me.  He
even briefly hypnotized me before I went for surgery,
and was so sweet the night before.  We watched a 
TV show together that just kept playing over and
over like the stations do these days, and whenever
I see the show now, I think of him.

There was so much good between us, even when I
noticed things seemed different, I tried to be open to
the flux you might find in a dynamic like ours.  I 
also told him that I wanted to make sure we kept it
intact.  We seemed to have lost something.

More than once I had told him to please tell me if
he was going to go in a different direction.  I asked
him to please not hold on to things, just because of
my diagnosis.  I had heard of things like that happening,
only for the person to leave afterward.  And I didn't
want that to happen.

I wanted the truth.  I might not like the truth, but
it would hurt more if it turned out that he was 
holding on for the wrong reasons, and I found
out after the fact.  

More than once I said something in the context of 
an "us," only to have him respond in an odd way.  
Something was off.  Something wasn't quite right.  

But I had asked him to please let me know if he 
had changed his mind to let me know.  And more 
than once I had reminded him of that, even if in a 
less direct way.  He had opportunities to let me 
know what he was really thinking more than once.

So I figured he was just making his way through
this.  I was the first person he cared about this way
who had been diagnosed with cancer.  So maybe
he was just working through it.

Besides I had been diagnosed with cancer, and he 
was still sticking around.  And still seeming to 
make an effort.  If he wasn't interested, I wasn't
sure he would be doing what he was to stay in 
contact/be there for me.  

But it nagged at me.  It nagged at me that things 
seemed to be slipping away.  It almost seemed like
he was doing me a favor - at times - spending time
with me.

I had to know what was up.

So I wrote him a letter.  I said all that I needed to say,
and crossed my fingers when I sent it.  I had hoped
he would allay my fears.  I had hoped he would tell
me I was wrong.

Instead, he tells me that things "had run their course"
between us.  He tells me that he was just sticking 
around because of my diagnosis.  Given all I was
going through he thought he was doing the "right"
thing.  He tells me he likes me as a friend, only.

So many thoughts go through my head.  I think about
how I asked him not to do that.  How did he think he
somehow knew better than I did?  I think about how
I said I didn't want things to slip away, and he said
he didn't want that either.  I think about how only a
few weeks before he sent me a text message out of the
blue that said he was trying to get a hold of me, nothing
wrong, he just wanted to tell me he loved me.  I wonder
when the "switch" turned off.  How could it happen so

We never even had a "defined" relationship.  How 
could it have run its course?  There are so many places
we didn't get to go.  I feel cheated.  I also feel misled.

When I tell him about how I feel misled, he tells me
that he wasn't misleading me.  Granted he never told
me something that wasn't so, but he never told me 
what was so.  By his silence, I was living in a space
that apparently no longer existed - all by myself.

Our conversation, by the way, happened the morning
I got my pet scan results.  So, if you have been following
along, you now know why I have been so upset.

What you don't know, though, is why I am as upset as
I am.  And you don't know, because I don't know.  I 
realize, as I consider this situation, that as great a guy
as I thought he was, that my reaction is way too strong.

There is more here than meets the eye.  I wonder what
things are going on unconsciously.  At the same time, 
in between my upset moments, I am calm.  Calmer
than I would think I would be - given the circumstances.
I find myself wondering if I am just numb.

I feel like a fool on some level.  On another level, I 
did everything I could to communicate how I felt as I
went along.  I can't control what someone else says or
does.  I was wanting to trust him.  I was wanting to believe
that he would respect me enough to do what I asked.

Part of me might have wanted it so badly, too, that I 
justified turning away from the things I was feeling.

Part of me also looks at it and thinks that it was kind of
sweet of him to want to be there for me.  And I try to give
him that.  But I think on some level he didn't want to be,
and it started to take a toll on him, and ultimately in our

I told him at some point that I hated him.  What I really
hated is what happened between us.  I hated how things
came to be.  How the heck did it happen when I did so
much to do what I could to avoid exactly this type of 

Now we haven't really spoken.  I have gone from talking
to him almost every day to radio silence.  Even if we 
weren't going to go "there," if he was truly a friend of
mine, I would have thought he wouldn't just disappear,
especially since my situation is still difficult, and maybe
in some ways even more so.

On top of that, he knows better than most anyone (if not
everyone) how bad my situation is, and is one of the people
that I depended on the most and he seems to have disappeared.
It is like a huge part of my foundation and support has
been demolished.

I don't know how to handle this.  

But as usual, I am doing the best I can, and sleeping and
crying a lot.

When so much of my world was flailing, it was nice to 
know I had the touchstone I called "Vitamin 'A.'"

I thought I was going to have a great story to tell one day
of an incredible man who loved me and stayed by my side
through the cancer incident and past.  I could already 
imagine it.  In some ways I could already feel it.

I feel betrayed by my imaginings.  I really thought
it could happen.  

Now, as it turns out, I do have a story to tell, but it has
a much different ending than the one I thought I would


Please know that I am writing this mostly for my own 
record and peace of mind.  It is not written for you to 
solve anything or help me in any way.  If that changes,
I will let you know.

As always, I appreciate that you may want to help.  I 
also appreciate that I am doing this in a public manner.
But as I have expressed previously I do it in part so
that if others can relate and get something out of it,

It is kind of like you 
get to read 
my personal diary.

I only wish it was the "good" part.

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