Going Within

The last day of treatment I went to where for chemo,

and there was a bag waiting for me.  Attached was

the "congrats" balloon, and inside the bag was the 

box above with the mug and smiley face.

Obviously, they thought my treatment was over.

I look at it now, and as odd as it may sound, it isn't

something that I look at in an "oh it's awesome" kind

of way.

Congrats?  For living?  For surviving chemo?  For

what, exactly?

I get that it is meant in a much more positive vein,

but it still seems a bit odd to me.

I was going to throw out the box, but I have decided

that I am going to keep it for the moment, and maybe

do something with it.  Maybe call it my "Happy Box."

**

One thing I have been thinking about is how I have

lived much of my life alone-ish.  I have never had 

a large group of friends.  I have had to do a lot on 

my own.

The irony about now is that I really need help, and 

I have reached out in ways that are extraordinarily

uncomfortable to me.  And, even more interestingly,

reaching out I still haven't had a large amount of 

help.  It isn't like suddenly something that has been

my life changed in a big way.

I am still left alone a lot of the time.  I feel like I 

have to figure this out.  And I feel like I am being

challenged to do it in the best way for me.  It is 

not that others wouldn't be able to help, but rather

it is in some way telling me to look within for 

answers.

After all, I am always telling people they have the

answers they need.  I am always saying that we 

know what is best for us.  Often I will tell people

that we are biased by what others judgments are,

and what they think we should do and what they

want for us.

And what am I finding?  A need to work out things.

A need to figure out things for myself, by myself.

Situations are pushing me to go inside.

Some say we should have the help and input of

others.  Maybe.  Maybe there is a time and place

for that.  But I am not sure that this is one of them,

for me.

Whenever I think about what I need to do, I think

about a lot of what I don't like about the things

people say you should do.  I either have to find

people who think differently, or I need to carve

out my own road.

It is really hard for me feeling this way.  But I 

don't really know what else to do right now.  

It is uncomfortable, but it somehow feels "right."

Question is, is it right? Or is it just me limiting

myself by saying it is right?   Another way of

saying it is...is it feeling right for the wrong 

reasons?

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