Saturday, December 15, 2012

Going Within

The last day of treatment I went to where for chemo,
and there was a bag waiting for me.  Attached was
the "congrats" balloon, and inside the bag was the 
box above with the mug and smiley face.

Obviously, they thought my treatment was over.

I look at it now, and as odd as it may sound, it isn't
something that I look at in an "oh it's awesome" kind
of way.

Congrats?  For living?  For surviving chemo?  For
what, exactly?

I get that it is meant in a much more positive vein,
but it still seems a bit odd to me.

I was going to throw out the box, but I have decided
that I am going to keep it for the moment, and maybe
do something with it.  Maybe call it my "Happy Box."


One thing I have been thinking about is how I have
lived much of my life alone-ish.  I have never had 
a large group of friends.  I have had to do a lot on 
my own.

The irony about now is that I really need help, and 
I have reached out in ways that are extraordinarily
uncomfortable to me.  And, even more interestingly,
reaching out I still haven't had a large amount of 
help.  It isn't like suddenly something that has been
my life changed in a big way.

I am still left alone a lot of the time.  I feel like I 
have to figure this out.  And I feel like I am being
challenged to do it in the best way for me.  It is 
not that others wouldn't be able to help, but rather
it is in some way telling me to look within for 

After all, I am always telling people they have the
answers they need.  I am always saying that we 
know what is best for us.  Often I will tell people
that we are biased by what others judgments are,
and what they think we should do and what they
want for us.

And what am I finding?  A need to work out things.
A need to figure out things for myself, by myself.
Situations are pushing me to go inside.

Some say we should have the help and input of
others.  Maybe.  Maybe there is a time and place
for that.  But I am not sure that this is one of them,
for me.

Whenever I think about what I need to do, I think
about a lot of what I don't like about the things
people say you should do.  I either have to find
people who think differently, or I need to carve
out my own road.

It is really hard for me feeling this way.  But I 
don't really know what else to do right now.  
It is uncomfortable, but it somehow feels "right."

Question is, is it right? Or is it just me limiting
myself by saying it is right?   Another way of
saying it is...is it feeling right for the wrong 

No comments:

Post a Comment